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covertunsure
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Self-sabotage
   Tue Sep 17, 2019 5:19 am

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Self-sabotage

Permanent Linkby covertunsure on Tue Sep 17, 2019 5:19 am

One word misplaced in a text message.

An email sent a day too late.

A slightly less caring tone over the phone than is appropriate for a situation.

Or abject flaking out, ghosting, not showing up because you don’t feel you deserve it.

Worse yet, exploiting a friend’s greatest insecurities for no apparent reason, taking something you were told in confidence and cruelly shoving it back in his face. Friendly fire.

The line between success and self-sabotage is so unbelievably thin. I don’t think normal, non-disordered people realize it.

But people with borderline personality disorder and the vulnerable form of narcissistic personality disorder are used to self-sabotage.

I’ll give you an example from my own life. The other day, I was at a café with a new friend whom I’ve been developing a real and deep friendship with, and his friend, whom he was introducing me to for the first time. The friend asked how we met each other, and he said it was through a men’s support group for men who feel like they’re too nice and thus get crushed in life, which was true. My friend said he identified with that and felt like a “nice guy."

Then out of nowhere, as if generated by the Self-Sabotage Factory (Inc.) within me, apparently a phrase uttered out of me, “and THAT’S why you never get laid.”

I don’t know how mean or offensive this was in his eyes, but this friend had just confided in me two days later that he was a virgin at 25. And here I took something he told me in confidence and used it as ammunition to hurt and humiliate him.

I apologized three times and he says he’s forgiven me, but I think the damage has been done. I don’t think our friendship will develop into what it could have been, because he probably doesn’t trust me now. “If he uses something embarrassing that I tell him in confidence to hurt me, I can’t trust him with anything else that’s serious.”

Why did I do this? WHY? How could I do jeopardize one of the only true friendships I’ve made in the past few years?

Because I hate and want to obliterate my Real Self. I want my False Self to flourish and to be the only thing that exists. I want to imagine it into existence, and if I can’t have it, I want nothing.
Thus, the split-second decision of saying that versus not saying it, could have made the difference (could have) between losing a friend and continuing to develop a deeper and better friendship. And I took the self-sabotaging, hatred-filled option.

Or, rather, it took me.

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