Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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The girls

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sun Apr 06, 2014 6:00 pm

I've been doing a lot of reading on dissociative identity disorder, and thinking of how it might relate to me, how it might relate to everyone. I like the idea that the alters don't constitute their own people, they are just parts of one person. I don't like the culture that seems to promote the creation of alternate identities and that doesn't promote their integration, as if each identity is its own human.

I went through some trauma when I was a child, but I don't have any dissociative identity problems. I think this is because my traumatic experiences were not predictable, and I didn't always perceive them as traumas. I never abandoned myself during any of these, either. I do have dissociative memory problems, however, and I have had times in my life when I become very confused about my identity.

I don't mean to say trauma is usually predictable. What I mean is that my mind couldn't tell when it was in danger because I was isolated from a lot of things for a lot of my life. It didn't know what was wrong and what was normal.

My personality system is integrated enough to where there is only one stream of consciousness. That is me, Kit, who takes record of everything that happens and also maintains memory.

My role models as a child were all female, so the segments of my personality that could be described as alters are all female, too. I am integrated enough to where it doesn't feel like I'm switching, it feels like I'm choosing to act like a certain girl. A lot of the girls have boy analogs, which resembles my growing into being comfortable with my gender.

I will describe the girls by their function, as personality traits are irrelevant.

There is Effy, who is named from the introject of Effy Stonem from Skins. She has been the hardest to master, but now that I have mastered her, she is the most useful. Effy is stoic and mysterious. She speaks in riddles and metaphors. Her most invaluable function to me is that she fears love. She is also pretty hedonistic, but she is keen on maintaining distance from boys. She makes people want her by running away from them, always being just out of reach. She can seem cruel, but usually she's just saying things for what they are, albeit symbolically. She also has pro-social traits in that she doesn't pick on those who don't deserve to be criticized. She doesn't fall for people's tricks. Effy has a boy analog in Briar, who is a character I made up for writing.

Briar is a younger twin, who slips under the radar of his parents by being silent. He's never one to shy away from what he wants, though. When he was little, he had a pet that he kept secret from his parents. One day, he was playing with this pet and his parents hit it with their car on accident. The dog was mortally wounded but dying slowly, so Briar had to swallow his feelings and kill it himself. That's why he stopped talking to his parents.

Then there's Aaryn, whose function is to give the people what they are supporting. This often makes me look like a gossip or like a bitch, but she's just fueled by getting support. Aaryn turns whatever she touches into gold. She's very competitive and tends to do what she does well without breaking a sweat. When I feel like Aaryn, I walk around in short shorts and touch my hair a lot. Aaryn's downfall is that she's catty and also that she is willing to let people think for her. Aaryn has a precedent in Amber, who is the same except more cruel and less competent. I hope to use Aaryn to do better in school. Effy is an underachiever. Aaryn's main function is to shake things up, get people talking.

Arwin is a vapid valley girl who is more than happy to agree to anything because she fears rejection. Arwin is probably the most histrionic of all the girls. I can't talk well when I'm Arwin, because what I want to say becomes too complicated for what I think people want to hear. So I just use lots of "Like, yeah!" type expressions. Arwin is different from Aaryn in her mode of speech, and also because Arwin never wants the task of leading. She fears she's incompetent. Arwin is a hopeless romantic and also very naive. Her function is to be attractive, agreeable. She's a housewife. Her mother died when she was a teenager, and she never knew her dad.

I guess this is more a list of characters I act out than it is alters or anything. My mood affects who is easiest to be. As my symptoms of HPD are receding, as they have been recently with a lot of reflection, Effy becomes the primary mode of expression. I guess HPD has characters with one stream of consciousness, where BPD and DID, have increasingly severe fragmentation between alters, respectively.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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