Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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The Crucible

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Wed May 14, 2014 5:29 pm

I had a moment last night of deciding to let my mind really free and see what happens. I started thinking in stories like my mind likes to do, and there was a story of my ex crush taking me on a date, spiking my drink, raping me and then accidentally killing me.

He would get what he wants in being able to throw someone away when they're done to him, and I would get what I want. Someone would live their entire life with the thought of wanting me, because that was what they did right before I died, and became the ghost in the back of his head.

I really notice how attractive I am when I'm stoned. It's nice. Unfortunately, I also seem to become more aware of my physical condition and thus navigate as if more fragile. I secretly like that though because I feel fragility makes you look thinner.

I think I have a huge problem with omitting genuine feelings in favor of what is provoked, because I don't know the genuine feelings are there or that they mean anything! I think I distract the people who want to help me away from my real problems by exploiting the problems I am comfortable with. I can't even tell you what the real problems are because they are so bad! Both parts of me are trash, one of them just has a good sense of humor!

I say and genuinely mean a lot of the really self deprecating things I feel when I'm high, but I do it while laughing or just staring off into space. Is that conversion!? I've read about hysterics talking about death as if it's a vacation.

I'm just trying to see if I can be a concept to somebody. Maybe I'll be everything, maybe I'll be nothing, maybe I'll be anything. Maybe I'll be salvation, maybe I'll be punishment. Maybe I want to be innocence, maybe I want to be corruption. Wow. What an idea. I am an idea.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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