Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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The boy I like

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Mon Mar 10, 2014 5:30 pm

3. Ask for what you want

I said in my previous post that I hadn't done this, but I have now realized that I did it before I even read the book! I have a huge crush on this guy who lives in my building. He's not my boyfriend but my boyfriend is cheating on his boyfriend with me so it's not a big deal. I've even told my boyfriend about this boy.

I usually did everything I could to catch this boy "by chance". I would take walks around my building in hopes of crossing paths with him. I would purposely take the bus that was going to the engineering facility, even if it would make me late or something, just because I knew I might see him there. I even stole his name tag from his door so I could almost ransom an interaction with him.

I don't care if he ever falls in love with me or even ever wants me. I just want him to spend time with me and pay attention to me and tell me things and let me tell him things and I want him to care about me in some way. The deeper the better.

So on March first I decided to do something I had previously been afraid to do. I decided I was going to knock on his door and see him once before leaving for break. I thought about apologizing for taking his stuff, but he never said anything about it so I figured to let that sizzle. I also thought of apologizing for being weird. But for all I know, the weirdness of everything is just in my head so I decided to let it go. I first had the idea to knock on his door when I was strolling about and I heard the TV on in his suite. I stressed about it for a good fifteen minutes as I looked out the window and wrote a song about what I saw, before going upstairs to my suite and deciding it was go time.

I also came up with an excuse. Lots of people had left for break already, so I could tell him I was bored and that everyone was gone so I wanted to hang out. I knocked on that door so confidently I felt as if I hadn't done it.

He answered and I told him I was bored and no one was there. He agreed. I asked him what he was doing and he said "just laying down" and I said "fun". I am happy I said that because it very covertly could have been interpreted as interest. I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said his mom was on her way to get him. We chatted for a minute or two about where we were from. I wanted to touch him, so before I left I extended my hand for a shake, which he took. I was able to go all break without texting him (he never responds). I just needed closure!

I've been thinking about him a lot less since, possibly because of the emergence of my boyfriend. I would leave my boyfriend in a minute for this guy, however. I also think the closure was just what I needed, because I don't remember thinking of him much during break.

Today I saw him and he was extra cute because he got a haircut. We didn't interact because he didn't see me, but I knew where he was going and formulated a plan of action. I have been having trouble hooking my wii up to wifi. I don't really care about it, but as this boy is an engineer, I had reason to believe he might know what to do.

Surprisingly without any nerves, I went to his door and knocked on it boldly a good five times. It might be because my friend told me I looked hot today that I was so confident, but whatever. He answered the door and with the perfect amount of casualty, I asked him if he knew what to do. He told me he only had a Ps3. We asked his roommate, who has a wii, and his roommate didn't know either. He told me to check google. I made a joke saying my method of problem solving was wandering around and repeating the question until I got an answer. He said google was essentially the same thing. I said that's poetic. He agreed.

I asked him if he wanted to do something, or I asked what he was doing and he said chemistry before asking what time it was. When I told him he said he had chemistry in 30 minutes so he was about to leave. I think it's important that he asked what time it was, because it means he might have hung out with me if he had more time. If he just didn't want to hang out with me, he would have said he had plans without asking what time it was. He was either not lying or he's an expert liar. He doesn't seem to be a liar. I don't know.

I told him we should get something to eat some time and he said alright, and then I left.

I am proud of myself for going against my nerves and seeking him out, because that was what I wanted. I used to think anxiety was nature telling you that's a bad idea, but now I know that isn't always the case. So I also completed the other tip of following thoughts and not feelings.

And it's amazing. Every time I talk to him it's like more closure for me. The more I get from him, the less I need. I still would choose to marry him over anyone else I've ever met. That may be a little extreme, though. I don't know his last name.

I also realized today that I might like him because he looks like a TV character I think is hot, whose actor is also really friendly to me on Twitter. Is that why people like each other? Because they remind you of other people? That seems to be what I like about people.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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