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To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 266
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:48 pm
Blog: View Blog (43)
- June 2014
Dead in the Water
   Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm
Like a Satellite
   Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:08 am

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The Beginning

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:28 pm

So, I am nearing the end of a second very bad semester, not including the 8 very bad semesters of my high school career.

It's easy, even tempting to lay down and die. There are 3 weeks of classes left.

I am not going to do that, though. I am going to begin a pattern that I hope to carry into the fall semester and forever.

I have a 62 in my mythology class. I think I did horrible on my last test, though. I hope the grade doesn't change much. If it does, I will still show up to every class and take great notes and pay attention to class. Even if I fail, I'm going to make myself feel like a winner.

I think I'm fine in my math class. A C, which is higher than I've gotten in any math class my entire life.

I know I'm fine in my English class.

My electronic music class, I won't be surprised if I fail. It was listed in the catalogue as a studio class, but the total grade is four tests and one final project, as well as attendance and participation (in his completely arbitrary in class discussions about conspiracy theory and the weather). If I fail, I am going to appeal it to the dean because a studio class is supposed to be project based. I would love to cost the professor his job, though I know it's not likely. My friends in the class are going to do the same thing. There's power in numbers.

I don't even know if I'm registered for my guitar class officially. I am going to find out Monday, if not sooner.

If worse comes to worst, I may be a candidate for expulsion from my university. I am going to appeal that, however, and I hear it's not hard. I genuinely do want to be here, I'm just learning how to do it!

I have a ticket to call the courts about on Monday. A few weeks ago, I was pulled over because I was drifting and because my license plate was covered in snow. I was drifting not because I was intoxicated (I am adamantly against that), but because the street was marked poorly and there was snow on the side of the road. Though the officer knew I wasn't drunk, I did get a ticket for driving with a suspended license.

I didn't know my license was suspended, due to an accident a few months ago where I rear ended a semi truck and damaged my car--not his! My license had been paid to be reinstated, but it wasn't showing up in the systems as such yet. So I got a ticket that I forgot about until last night.

I'm just overwhelmed by all the little things in life that no one reminds you of; legal protocol, homework, study skills, etc. I wish I could always have someone to take care of that stuff for me, but no such person has presented themselves as of yet.

I know it's best to just take care of those things, but when I think of just "getting something out of the way", I feel a very bad feeling. It's just easier for me to forget that stuff and coast through life.

I kind of wanted to talk to the RA at the front desk about whether or not it was possible to stay at my school even if I had a second horrible semester, but I didn't because I've already made up my mind. If she said it was definitely possible, I might feel tempted to trust her and stop trying for the rest of the semester. If she said it was not possible, I would fall apart. She'd probably say she didn't know, which would leave me where I already am. I am going to talk to my adviser as soon as possible about this stuff.

But that exchange, or lack of it, with the RA was another example of me outgrowing the need to run my thoughts by other people or transfer my responsibility. Maybe I am really improving.

I'm just learning this stuff later than most people do. If I fail, the dean will have to understand that.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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