Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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Love Triangles

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri Feb 21, 2014 9:58 pm

I think the love triangle is the blood in the histrionic's veins. I feel as if all my life I have been claiming the role of "the other boy" in other people's relationships. My first intimate encounter with a boy was when he was "dating" my best friend. I say "dating" in quotation because we were in fourth grade. I write this post after my friend made a comment today about how I always seem to like guys in relationships--guys with girlfriends. I'm always the one wanting but not getting. And when I get, I'm the one who doesn't want. Also, I dumped the boyfriend I talked about in my previous post.

When I was in a relationship, if it was with a girl I seemed to subconsciously create love triangles, and if it was with a boy, I obsessively questioned and snooped until I found something to be jealous of. Sometimes I would cheat on girlfriends with girls I didn't even like, and then I would be confused when the girl left me! I also cheated on a girl with a boy once. The relationship with the girl ended and I dumped the boy like a week later.

I dread the thought of being cheated on, but I'm also turned on by it. I would love to hear someone's perspective of why that is. I should mention that to my therapist.

For instance, I'm thinking of an experience I had in a roleplay writing group. My character was in a relationship with another character. My character was a female dating a male. My character had been a huge indecisive tease about getting with her boyfriend, and so he wandered into the arms of another girl. This made my girl decide she cared and they got together. The boy kept talking to the other girl, and this made my girl jealous.

I knew the writer behind the boy wanted to be writing with the other girl. The other girl was an insanely good writer, and I was vague and short in my writing. I decided to compromise by saying they could have a bigamous relationship that would begin in a threesome. This threesome was inspired by my character cheating on her boyfriend with the other girl. Interestingly, the story of the two girls hooking up was acclaimed among the group for its quality from both of us.

To apologize for cheating, my girl offered a threesome to her boyfriend. The threesome began, but when the boyfriend kissed the other girl, I had my character chicken out.

Instead of being a decent boyfriend, the boy stayed and had sex with the other girl while my girl was in the living room!

I was shaking from this excursion. I was probably more anxious and obsessive than ever before in writing. But I was also turned on. I would fantasize about it for months after (this was January of 12). I wouldn't masturbate to the thought of a threesome. I masturbated to the cheating before the tryst and also the abandonment and infidelity that occurred during.

I ended up lashing out at the authors because I was a lot more immature than I am now (though idk I haven't been that stressed since) and quitting, rejoining, and then quitting again. I never meshed with either writer in the same way again. I always held it against the boyfriend's writer, because she'd known how upset I was getting but decided to go ahead with her plans--which I understand was within her right to do. I also was really catty to the other girl's writer to the point of making the boyfriend and other girl's writers hate each other.

I hate that a part of me is so turned on by the thought of being abandoned, of not being good enough, but another part of me is so afraid of having to acknowledge my impotence and allow my partner to choose better by allowing someone else in. I am frustrated by my willingness to hurt them by scouting out other people when it ######6 ruins me to think of them choosing someone over me.

It turns me on in a way that I don't experience through any other stimulus. It makes me feel completely overcome and enveloped in both fear and pleasure, but with enough of the latter that the former gets thrown to the wind for the most part--and what doesn't, gets turned into a sick kind of erotic fear.

It makes me wonder if I am a polygamist. But I don't think I am. I just think I have a sick fetish of losing what I love. I could go into all the different things that could have caused me to be like that, but I don't want to. I'm just going to leave it open and say I wonder what this says about my childhood.

That was wildly cathartic to write. Jesus Christ!

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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