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To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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Life Story - part 2

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:02 pm

I forgot to mention some specific areas of interest--my oral and anal stages.

I was colicky when I was born, I screamed a lot and didn't sleep very much, but when I did sleep, I was always a very deep sleeper. I had jaundice, which explains that. When I recovered from that, I am told I was very pleasant. I slept all the time, enough to where my caretakers frequently obsessed over whether or not I was still breathing. I was always resistant to sleeping in a room with others, so I slept in my own room by myself from the night I was brought home. Interestingly, that is a characteristic that has been associated with latent sociopathy--infants sleeping exclusively by themselves, that is. It also contrasts with my little sister, who at the age of 13 still sleeps in bed with my mom occasionally. For a big chunk of her life, my sister was forced to share a room with my mom, though sometimes with me, but usually she shared a room with my mom because of a lack of space. Despite not being glib, my sister has always preferred to be with someone else. I could see her becoming dependent.

When I was a child, I once laughed to my mom about the time she crushed me when I was a baby and we were sleeping in the same bed. She said it never happened, and it's likely that it didn't happen, but for some reason it feels familiar.

I don't recall any issues in potty training. My mom used a reward system, where I would get some cheap treat every time I used the toilet. I do, however, remember once going into the bathroom and peeing on the chart that tracked my potty training progress, which was taped to the wall. That's interesting to me because it was a clear and deliberate act of defiance, instead of an inability or lack of desire to control myself. I could have used the toilet, but I opted instead to show my mom that her rules were not ones I wanted a part of. Besides that, I have no memories of any problem being potty trained. I didn't have a bed-wetting problem, and there have only been a few times in my life where I have had an accident in public--these were later than average, though, happening in my teens. I think they were just incidental and didn't necessarily reflect any psychological problem, though. I think I might have a medical problem, actually. Whenever I get excited, I have the urge to defecate. Really, any stronger than normal nervous system stimulation gets this reaction from me. Also, consistent with the hysterical childhood personality, I have intense dread of defecation. I am also this way with farting, finding out when I was a teen that it was possible to hold in a fart long enough for it to go away because I didn't want to be someone who farted in public. When I have to defecate, I get very restless and agitated. I feel intense shame when I'm using a public restroom and I make bathroom noises. I often refuse to leave my stall until everyone's gone. If I smoke with food in my stomach, I feel panic about whether or not I have to go to the bathroom.

Particularly apparent in my anal stage, when I peed on the wall instead of the available toilet, is my avoidant-resistant attachment style. According to Horowitz, this is the attachment style that predates histrionism. The resistant style acts agreeable but always manages to spoil that behavior for others. Setting them up to knock them down. I currently possess traits of both anal-retentive and anal-explosive styles. More immediately apparent are the retentive traits of conscientiousness, perfectionism and a need for information and awareness. As you get to know me, though, the explosive traits become apparent. I also synthesize the two into pretending to have more explosive traits than I might otherwise. My explosive traits are underachievement, flightiness, creativity and recklessness. The explosive style is more of a reaction to when the retentive style fails, I think. It's easy for me to put up a front of being shameless. I do it because I feel that if I put everything forward, other people won't have the means to say anything. Whether I have more retentive or explosive traits is also subject to who I'm around and which one I think will get me the protection or relationships I need.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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