Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 266
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:48 pm
Blog: View Blog (43)
- June 2014
Dead in the Water
   Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm
Like a Satellite
   Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:08 am

+ May 2014
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Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Mon Apr 07, 2014 2:33 pm

Why do I always attract old men???? Even if not in a sexual way, old men are always trying to be friendly with me and I'm not having any of that.

And there's this guy at the club, who is middle aged and he always tries to come onto me. He might not even be that old, he's just not attractive and he doesn't seem adjusted. I was once with my friends, dancing in the cage, and this guy comes up to the cage and puts his hand on my thigh. You would have thought he had a knife from the way I startled and jumped to the other end of the cage.

And then there is this janitor in my building, who looks a lot like that guy from the club, but he always tries to talk to me when I leave in the morning, as if we're friends. I have my music in, so I just ignore him. I don't even look at him. I'm not polite. I don't want to give him false hope.

I guess it could be kind of a compliment. I think lots of attractive people have to keep creeps at bay when they go out?

I just wish the sleazes who went after me were my age and moderately attractive!

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The girls

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sun Apr 06, 2014 6:00 pm

I've been doing a lot of reading on dissociative identity disorder, and thinking of how it might relate to me, how it might relate to everyone. I like the idea that the alters don't constitute their own people, they are just parts of one person. I don't like the culture that seems to promote the creation of alternate identities and that doesn't promote their integration, as if each identity is its own human.

I went through some trauma when I was a child, but I don't have any dissociative identity problems. I think this is because my traumatic experiences were not predictable, and I didn't always perceive them as traumas. I never abandoned myself during any of these, either. I do have dissociative memory problems, however, and I have had times in my life when I become very confused about my identity.

I don't mean to say trauma is usually predictable. What I mean is that my mind couldn't tell when it was in danger because I was isolated from a lot of things for a lot of my life. It didn't know what was wrong and what was normal.

My personality system is integrated enough to where there is only one stream of consciousness. That is me, Kit, who takes record of everything that happens and also maintains memory.

My role models as a child were all female, so the segments of my personality that could be described as alters are all female, too. I am integrated enough to where it doesn't feel like I'm switching, it feels like I'm choosing to act like a certain girl. A lot of the girls have boy analogs, which resembles my growing into being comfortable with my gender.

I will describe the girls by their function, as personality traits are irrelevant.

There is Effy, who is named from the introject of Effy Stonem from Skins. She has been the hardest to master, but now that I have mastered her, she is the most useful. Effy is stoic and mysterious. She speaks in riddles and metaphors. Her most invaluable function to me is that she fears love. She is also pretty hedonistic, but she is keen on maintaining distance from boys. She makes people want her by running away from them, always being just out of reach. She can seem cruel, but usually she's just saying things for what they are, albeit symbolically. She also has pro-social traits in that she doesn't pick on those who don't deserve to be criticized. She doesn't fall for people's tricks. Effy has a boy analog in Briar, who is a character I made up for writing.

Briar is a younger twin, who slips under the radar of his parents by being silent. He's never one to shy away from what he wants, though. When he was little, he had a pet that he kept secret from his parents. One day, he was playing with this pet and his parents hit it with their car on accident. The dog was mortally wounded but dying slowly, so Briar had to swallow his feelings and kill it himself. That's why he stopped talking to his parents.

Then there's Aaryn, whose function is to give the people what they are supporting. This often makes me look like a gossip or like a bitch, but she's just fueled by getting support. Aaryn turns whatever she touches into gold. She's very competitive and tends to do what she does well without breaking a sweat. When I feel like Aaryn, I walk around in short shorts and touch my hair a lot. Aaryn's downfall is that she's catty and also that she is willing to let people think for her. Aaryn has a precedent in Amber, who is the same except more cruel and less competent. I hope to use Aaryn to do better in school. Effy is an underachiever. Aaryn's main function is to shake things up, get people talking.

Arwin is a vapid valley girl who is more than happy to agree to anything because she fears rejection. Arwin is probably the most histrionic of all the girls. I can't talk well when I'm Arwin, because what I want to say becomes too complicated for what I think people want to hear. So I just use lots of "Like, yeah!" type expressions. Arwin is different from Aaryn in her mode of speech,...

[ Continued ]

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The Beginning

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sat Apr 05, 2014 9:28 pm

So, I am nearing the end of a second very bad semester, not including the 8 very bad semesters of my high school career.

It's easy, even tempting to lay down and die. There are 3 weeks of classes left.

I am not going to do that, though. I am going to begin a pattern that I hope to carry into the fall semester and forever.

I have a 62 in my mythology class. I think I did horrible on my last test, though. I hope the grade doesn't change much. If it does, I will still show up to every class and take great notes and pay attention to class. Even if I fail, I'm going to make myself feel like a winner.

I think I'm fine in my math class. A C, which is higher than I've gotten in any math class my entire life.

I know I'm fine in my English class.

My electronic music class, I won't be surprised if I fail. It was listed in the catalogue as a studio class, but the total grade is four tests and one final project, as well as attendance and participation (in his completely arbitrary in class discussions about conspiracy theory and the weather). If I fail, I am going to appeal it to the dean because a studio class is supposed to be project based. I would love to cost the professor his job, though I know it's not likely. My friends in the class are going to do the same thing. There's power in numbers.

I don't even know if I'm registered for my guitar class officially. I am going to find out Monday, if not sooner.

If worse comes to worst, I may be a candidate for expulsion from my university. I am going to appeal that, however, and I hear it's not hard. I genuinely do want to be here, I'm just learning how to do it!

I have a ticket to call the courts about on Monday. A few weeks ago, I was pulled over because I was drifting and because my license plate was covered in snow. I was drifting not because I was intoxicated (I am adamantly against that), but because the street was marked poorly and there was snow on the side of the road. Though the officer knew I wasn't drunk, I did get a ticket for driving with a suspended license.

I didn't know my license was suspended, due to an accident a few months ago where I rear ended a semi truck and damaged my car--not his! My license had been paid to be reinstated, but it wasn't showing up in the systems as such yet. So I got a ticket that I forgot about until last night.

I'm just overwhelmed by all the little things in life that no one reminds you of; legal protocol, homework, study skills, etc. I wish I could always have someone to take care of that stuff for me, but no such person has presented themselves as of yet.

I know it's best to just take care of those things, but when I think of just "getting something out of the way", I feel a very bad feeling. It's just easier for me to forget that stuff and coast through life.

I kind of wanted to talk to the RA at the front desk about whether or not it was possible to stay at my school even if I had a second horrible semester, but I didn't because I've already made up my mind. If she said it was definitely possible, I might feel tempted to trust her and stop trying for the rest of the semester. If she said it was not possible, I would fall apart. She'd probably say she didn't know, which would leave me where I already am. I am going to talk to my adviser as soon as possible about this stuff.

But that exchange, or lack of it, with the RA was another example of me outgrowing the need to run my thoughts by other people or transfer my responsibility. Maybe I am really improving.

I'm just learning this stuff later than most people do. If I fail, the dean will have to understand that.

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Histrionic psychonautic

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri Apr 04, 2014 2:40 pm

I am going to smoke marijuana later. I had a bad trip last time, but now I know how much I can smoke and I have had time to think it over. I've also been in a stable, content state of mind. I was much more anxious last time, because it was during a limerent episode that only ended recently.

I'm not especially close to the guy I'm going to smoke with, but I feel a connection (I always feel a connection so what's new). He's the hottest guy on my floor, kind of mysterious (shady, even). He was on my dodgeball team, but when I couldn't get everyone organized, I pulled us from the competition. He never got the memo and still showed up and came in second place all by himself! He is a true Bad Girl (our team is the Bad Girlz Club, we win everything we do).

My friends don't really like him. One of them used to be his roommate, and he has a history of being inconsiderate. I do, too, so whatever. I feel weird, being friends with someone my main group of friends doesn't care for. I talk bad about him when the people I'm with do, but they've mostly forgotten about him, since my friend moved out of his room in January.

I really like him, though. I don't think it's very much a romantic interest, but he seems to think about what I tell him and he thinks I'm funny. Since he's quiet, it's extra rewarding to make him laugh. He also repeats my jokes as he laughs, which makes me feel special, like I can be quoted.

Yesterday I got a pop from the pop machine, and it didn't come out. I tried to get it but couldn't. I accepted defeat and went back to what I was doing. This guy, who I'm more or less friends with, went out to get his own pop. When he came back he gave me my pop. I was so happy! We later had a brief convo about a frat I know he doesn't like, laughing at how horrible they are. I mentioned, in context, how I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a kid, and then we talked about how I had a stroke when I was 7. When I had this stroke, I forgot how to talk for a while. He told me he was glad I was alright. What a great guy!

I am going to smoke tonight but try to not get trapped by my thoughts again. I will explore myself and I will report the findings as soon as I feel like it.

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Electra and Oedipus

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri Apr 04, 2014 2:24 pm

It is my belief that a child's relationship with their mother determines their attitudes about themselves, and that a child's relationship with their father determines their attitudes about others. I don't understand how this will work for a child with two parents of the same sex. I guess it requires that one parent take the role of mother and the other of father.

I think it is possible for anyone to have an Electra or Oedipus complex, regardless of their gender identity or sex.

An Electra complex is when someone never outgrew the diffuse boundaries between mother and self, so they never stopped believing they deserved the same things from their father that their mother gets. In girls, this is typically what happens when the father is too affectionate, giving the daughter a reason to believe she is her mother's equal. In boys, this is likely when there is no father figure, and its likelihood is exacerbated if the son's relationship with the mother is sporadically inappropriate. Without a father figure, or even a parent figure in some instances, the son seeks a father in everyone they meet, not unlike what is common in disinhibited attachment disorder.In girls, this state may also occur if her mother is absent, thrusting her into the role of wife and mother.

An Oedipus complex is when a child's boundaries with the father are diffused. The child becomes jealous of the father's perceived ownership of the mother, and strives to possess the mother as well. In boys, this can happen when father is absent, when father is inconsistent, or when father exploits his ownership of mother. Basically, if son has reason to think his father needs to be replaced, and thinks he himself could do a better job. In both boys and girls, this state may occur if they are thrust into the position of protecting their family, namely their mother and siblings, especially in the unvalidated absence of father.

Though I believe both occur in both genders, there is still enough difference to keep the two states distinct.

Someone with an Electra complex (an electric) never receives narcissistic validation. Someone with an Oedipus complex (an oedipal) is often narcissistically validated, especially when they are thrust into the position of protector.

The drive of the oedipal is to possess, the drive of the electric is to be possessed.

Another difference is that the electric is more likely to be close to their father over their mother, if they are close to either parent at all. The oedipal is often close to, or protective of their mother. Both conditions are exacerbated by the absence of either parent, however.

Electrically conflicted people may develop symptoms of Histrionic personality disorder, while Oedipally conflicted people are more likely to develop Narcissistic personality disorder.

I am not in a position to make this distinction, I just found the idea interesting.

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