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To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
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Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:48 pm
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Histrionic psychonautics (1)

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Sun Apr 13, 2014 5:28 pm

I got high the night I originally said I would begin these reports, but it was another bad trip. I remember my memory glitching out, and me just saying, very starkly "It's happening again".

It was not nearly as uncomfortable as the first trip, however. I thought I had trouble sleeping because my tongue wouldn't listen to me when I told it to stop moving and making my mouth dry. It was like I thought my tongue was independent of me.

But I think I got more sleep than I thought I did, I just couldn't remember sleeping, so I would assume it hadn't happened. I once woke up 5 hours after I had last checked the time and believed I'd been laying in bed that whole time.

The next day I was still having a lot of dissociative effects. I had a meeting with my success coach and at one point my memory glitched again. I was still able to contribute to the conversation but the feeling made me feel panicked so I left, though I later found the meeting would have only been between 8 and 13 minutes. I felt like I had been in a trance for like 20 minutes.

I think I am more prone to having bad trips when I smoke with someone I don't genuinely trust, even if I act like we're best friends. I smoked with a hot guy before this and did perfectly fine, and then the next day I got stoned with my legit best friend and it was super fun. We watched a documentary about the dark secret lives of celebrities. It talked about the illuminati and satanism and stuff. It was perfect for our states of mind.

Yesterday I smoked for a bit with my friend and then when she left I went to my car to smoke another bowl by myself. I took one hit and it was so strong I knew I was gone. I then went up to the third floor of my building, and that's where my crush lives. Sometimes when I'm high, I forget to call the elevator and end up waiting a long time until I realize I didn't push the button. So I took advantage of this awareness in me and sat down across the room from the elevator. I was hoping he'd come out and ask me what I was doing, and I'd say waiting for the elevator. He'd be like "You didn't push the button" and I'd be like "What" and he'd realize I'm high and I'd entertain him.

He never came out, but it was when I was sitting there that I realized I was fxcking gone. I then went to the elevator and got on it. I felt like it was stopping on every floor.

I then went to my room for a bit and took some notes on what helps me have a good trip like this one.

With reality, all that matters is that something happens. The first time I smoked, I felt the dissociation and feared my behavior would be very bad. But now I've realized my mind is just slowed down. For the most part, I will react to things the same way I would when sober. The thoughts I think when high are the same things I consider when sober, and I still usually choose the same things.

I also made a really interesting system of memory assessment, to gauge the processes of repression and dissociation and trauma.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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