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To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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Histrionic psychonautic

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri Apr 04, 2014 2:40 pm

I am going to smoke marijuana later. I had a bad trip last time, but now I know how much I can smoke and I have had time to think it over. I've also been in a stable, content state of mind. I was much more anxious last time, because it was during a limerent episode that only ended recently.

I'm not especially close to the guy I'm going to smoke with, but I feel a connection (I always feel a connection so what's new). He's the hottest guy on my floor, kind of mysterious (shady, even). He was on my dodgeball team, but when I couldn't get everyone organized, I pulled us from the competition. He never got the memo and still showed up and came in second place all by himself! He is a true Bad Girl (our team is the Bad Girlz Club, we win everything we do).

My friends don't really like him. One of them used to be his roommate, and he has a history of being inconsiderate. I do, too, so whatever. I feel weird, being friends with someone my main group of friends doesn't care for. I talk bad about him when the people I'm with do, but they've mostly forgotten about him, since my friend moved out of his room in January.

I really like him, though. I don't think it's very much a romantic interest, but he seems to think about what I tell him and he thinks I'm funny. Since he's quiet, it's extra rewarding to make him laugh. He also repeats my jokes as he laughs, which makes me feel special, like I can be quoted.

Yesterday I got a pop from the pop machine, and it didn't come out. I tried to get it but couldn't. I accepted defeat and went back to what I was doing. This guy, who I'm more or less friends with, went out to get his own pop. When he came back he gave me my pop. I was so happy! We later had a brief convo about a frat I know he doesn't like, laughing at how horrible they are. I mentioned, in context, how I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a kid, and then we talked about how I had a stroke when I was 7. When I had this stroke, I forgot how to talk for a while. He told me he was glad I was alright. What a great guy!

I am going to smoke tonight but try to not get trapped by my thoughts again. I will explore myself and I will report the findings as soon as I feel like it.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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