For the past few months, most intensely for the past few weeks, I have been dealing with a limerent episode about one guy. Every time this guy was not forthcoming with his affection, I would take it as rejection and brood about whether or not I would ever find anyone to be with, or if I'd end up alone and heartbroken forever.

I have written a lot of poems about it. Today I wrote one after a very brief and pretty meaningless encounter with him. It was because I felt an unusually powerful rejection. The poem is called "The Devil's Snare" and it's about how I kind of felt like dying because I thought no one loved me. It was also about how perhaps if I killed myself in his name, he might start to care about me. I was texting a friend of mine throughout this, and he was supportive and a good friend and he helped reaffirm my self worth.

I then remembered this straight guy from my high school who I seduced the summer after I graduated (he was a year my senior). I don't know why, but that really made me remember that I can do anything. I accept that my limerent object might not ever feel anything for me, but I remembered all the interactions with guys I have that I've brought into submission. I thought about what was so different between them and the guy I liked.

It was that around my crush, I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I forced myself to paint a bad picture of myself for him. If I just act with him the way I did when we first met, it will probably be everything it was ever meant to be.

I just can't let myself get too absorbed in other people when I'm living my life! That was my issue! I need to follow my feet instead of guessing where everyone else has stepped.

I hope this isn't some kind of hypomanic episode or anything but I am feeling really good! I feel like my stomach is back in my body and so is my throat and everything is where it should be and I don't need to fix a thing. I feel whole and it's complete euphoria.

I just need to remember whenever I'm fixated on pleasing a specific person, that I need to stop thinking about it at all because the person they like at first will never be the one who's fixated on them. I need to keep a good show for the whole crowd and hope I will get a profound connection with someone. I can't perform for just one person and hope for a profound bond. That's impossible.

I just have to take a deep breath and step back, and get my diaphragm in line with my heart. That's a metaphor but it makes sense to me because that's where I feel the sensation of calm that I do.