Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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Epos

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Tue Feb 25, 2014 12:29 am

For the past few months, most intensely for the past few weeks, I have been dealing with a limerent episode about one guy. Every time this guy was not forthcoming with his affection, I would take it as rejection and brood about whether or not I would ever find anyone to be with, or if I'd end up alone and heartbroken forever.

I have written a lot of poems about it. Today I wrote one after a very brief and pretty meaningless encounter with him. It was because I felt an unusually powerful rejection. The poem is called "The Devil's Snare" and it's about how I kind of felt like dying because I thought no one loved me. It was also about how perhaps if I killed myself in his name, he might start to care about me. I was texting a friend of mine throughout this, and he was supportive and a good friend and he helped reaffirm my self worth.

I then remembered this straight guy from my high school who I seduced the summer after I graduated (he was a year my senior). I don't know why, but that really made me remember that I can do anything. I accept that my limerent object might not ever feel anything for me, but I remembered all the interactions with guys I have that I've brought into submission. I thought about what was so different between them and the guy I liked.

It was that around my crush, I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I forced myself to paint a bad picture of myself for him. If I just act with him the way I did when we first met, it will probably be everything it was ever meant to be.

I just can't let myself get too absorbed in other people when I'm living my life! That was my issue! I need to follow my feet instead of guessing where everyone else has stepped.

I hope this isn't some kind of hypomanic episode or anything but I am feeling really good! I feel like my stomach is back in my body and so is my throat and everything is where it should be and I don't need to fix a thing. I feel whole and it's complete euphoria.

I just need to remember whenever I'm fixated on pleasing a specific person, that I need to stop thinking about it at all because the person they like at first will never be the one who's fixated on them. I need to keep a good show for the whole crowd and hope I will get a profound connection with someone. I can't perform for just one person and hope for a profound bond. That's impossible.

I just have to take a deep breath and step back, and get my diaphragm in line with my heart. That's a metaphor but it makes sense to me because that's where I feel the sensation of calm that I do.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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