Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
coneyislandking
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Dollface

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Fri May 23, 2014 2:11 am

This is just an update where I'll talk about whatever I want... within the realm of things that are relevant to my mental health.

I thought me and my pot dealer were like, in love. He definitely liked me but he's been ignoring me since yesterday. I was so upset, I didn't know what to do. I sent him way too many texts today and I feel embarrassed because of that. Also, where will I get pot? I don't know and I guess thankfully it isn't a big deal. Pot hasn't been as awesome ever since my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and said I was using drugs to avoid stress (no duh). I want to counter her argument by saying that when I'm high, I lose the inhibition that normally keeps me from most effectively retraumatizing myself. I have mastered this by just ignoring the urge all together, but still. I think my brain is pretty dedicated to recreating my rape and doing what it wished it had done when it happened. Bummer.

I've been really interested in la belle indifference lately. I don't think it's just a feature of conversion disorder, because I think it's a conversion symptom itself. It's the loss of emotion whenever emotion becomes too stressful. That explains why in the months following my assault I would tell the story without even feeling like I was about to cry, perhaps even laughing about it.

Anyway, I was so upset that I texted my friend who didn't call back until later. I then texted "Tyler", who is my favorite friend by far. I actually think we should get married, but he has a girlfriend of 4 years. I asked if he was busy and he responded almost immediately and talked me through the situation, showing me that if the dealer was scared by my needing him, he wasn't a good guy anyway. Tyler is so great. I used to get extremely clingy to him and so many times I've thought I had lost him, but he never left. He's not the hottest guy in the world but I adore him. I have seen a lot of ugly parts of him but I still think he's great, and that really secures faith in my own capacity to love.

I thought that's how things would be with my RA, but he hasn't said a word to me since I moved out. That hurts a lot. I feel angry at him for lying to me and for abandoning me but I love who he made me believe he was and I am desperate for his attention. I really want to punish him for hurting me. Dollface is the character in my icon, and also the name of my most lethal persona. She is my darkest impulses embodied, because she's a sadist. She wants to psychologically torture people, make them beg for mercy and still kill them.

There's a ritual in me becoming her, and I only have some parts of it. I have the mask, but I need to have blonde hair and a similar outfit. I don't think I would ever want to kill anyone, though. The court proceedings and jail time would totally suck.

She communicates in friendly statements that are intimidating because they lack momentum. She's quiet and ominous. She likes to haunt people with just her presence. I see Dollface as a kind of hero figure, however, who gets revenge on the people who've hurt me. She makes them desperate and has no mercy.

I'm not going to kill anyone, I'm just acknowledging that there is such a desire within me.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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