Our partner

To Be Human;
Kit. 19. Male. Ohioan. I'm a college student majoring in humanities. I want to be a beautiful mystery.

Formal diagnosis: Adjustment Disorder, Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Self diagnosis: Histrionic Personality Disorder
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 266
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 11:48 pm
Blog: View Blog (43)
- June 2014
Dead in the Water
   Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm
Like a Satellite
   Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:08 am

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Dead in the Water

Permanent Linkby coneyislandking on Mon Jun 09, 2014 9:31 pm

I think I'm still doing well, but there are some things that really stress me out and I want to talk about them.

Me and this guy were never serious. We talked for probably like 3 weeks but those three weeks were very intense and great for me. We made plans for the future, I revealed everything about myself that I could, and I felt myself changing positively as a person. We'd made plans for a date, and because I was so happy I'd found him, I even promised him sex.

So, the date was supposed to be last Thursday and we broke up last Tuesday. I told him I was excited for the date and he said he had to cancel it. Upset, I told him I didn't care as long as he made plans. He told me he shouldn't have to make plans because he'd made those plans. I can't remember what I said, but I think I was on a little bit of a power trip here and really sticking it to him that he make plans.

He then asked me if I thought I should find someone else. I told him I didn't want to and he then receded into telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I then reminded him he'd said he wouldn't abandon me and he said he wasn't abandoning me. I knew he was, though. I then did probably the stupidest thing of the night by telling him all the ways he was horrible, devaluing him to his face. I regretted it immediately and he said he'd think about letting us be friends but he's since blocked me on his phone, so I have no way to get a hold of him.

I know he really did care about me, and I guess that means other people can care about me, too. I just am pissed because I don't know the "real" reason he did what he did. I've resolved that no matter how much I look for the answers, no answer will be good enough or seem legitimate because knowing why he did it won't make me feel better because it won't get me a boyfriend. That's really all I want is a trendy boyfriend!

I legitimately feel like no one cares about me. Every time someone leaves me, I lose my security in all my relationships and have to rebuild it.

Two days after getting dumped, I went to the club by myself and was looking hot. I got complimented left and right, even made out with a guy. He gave me his number but I've yet to text him. I got home that night and was still so sad about Jake. I just feel like I was so accepted by him, and now everything we had is gone. And what makes me the most neurotic about it is that if I wouldn't have been on a power trip right then, we'd still work out.

But part of me was very annoyed with his indifference to things like that, so a part of me is glad I did what I did. If I hadn't, I probably would have made him pay for it in some way eventually. I just want to know everything's going to be alright for me.

There are some mornings when the sky looks like a road.
There are some dragons who were built to have and hold.
And some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly,
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees,
and they sting so terribly.
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