I don't really talk about my hospital experience because most of the time I don't know how to describe how I feel or what my head is thinking. It does bother me sometimes but most time I don't give it a passing thought. I would return to therapy about it but I find the sessions useless and when you have absolutely nothing to say it makes for a very boring session. So for the time being I think therapy is not a good option for me although a lot of people tell me otherwise. In the past years, the past year especially, I've learned you have to make your own decisions and do what is best for you.
It's not that I don't want to talk about the hospital, although sometimes I do clam up and don't feel like being bothered with it, it's just that I don't know how to express my feelings. I don't know how to express how worthless the whole experience made me feel. I suppose it's easier for me to type out my feelings rather than verbalize them. I know no one hurt me or violated me but I do sometimes feel like I've been molested all over again. Like my molestation the experience didn't bother me at the time nor did it bother me for the first few days after the experience. Rather, it bothers me now months after it happened.
After I was molested it didn't bother me. Of course I felt weird and out of place but it didn't eat at me on the inside. Now? Now it does bother me. I wish I didn't feel these feelings so far along after the fact. I get angry and agitated after the fact a lot. I picture what I could have done perhaps should have done and I kick myself because I didn't do what I think I should have. Things always eat at me after the fact and it drives me freaking insane.
I mean these feelings don't bother me much but when they do bother me they really bother me. When I feel down and worthless then there isn't much that can lift me back up except perhaps the love of my husband and son. Perhaps I should talk about it more so I'm not so closed up and feeling bad about myself. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions but if I had to make some (other than drinking more water and not allowing people to control my mood) I would say I want to be more open. I want to be open about expressing my feelings instead of allowing things to eat away at me. That's what I think I'll do.
Anyway, I ended up darkening my hair to a nice caramel brown today. I think it looks nice and my husband agrees. I've been drinking more water, per my husbands suggestion, and I have been feeling a lot better lately.
I would like to end the blog on a positive note so I will just say I am feeling rather well today and hope the SAD is ending. I think it is.