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brainslug
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   Thu Sep 12, 2013 3:24 am

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Permanent Linkby brainslug on Thu Sep 12, 2013 3:24 am

Just wanted to make an update on how everything is going since I have been away for a long time.

Well, its going great, actually.

During the middle of July I went to a great psych and got a diagnosis of ADHD. I did explain some social problems, but I tried not to delve too far into them. I did not explain that I had illicitly taken ritalin in the past.

~~~~~
if you don't care about the medicine stuff, you can skip to the bottom
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She agreed to put me on ADHD medicine (adderall) and we agreed to work through social problems if they persisted. Although mildly dissapointed that she did not prescribe ritalin, I figured amphetamine was good enough since I had been anticipating amphetamine being given and had looked into ways to curb toxicity (and in that had found that toxicity was not as bad as I had first believed). After adjusting the dosages, we ended up with 20mg Extended Release racemic amphetamine and then moved to 30mg vyvanse since my insurance covered it. I responded well attention-wise to each of them.

With the amphetamine, I was able to write a program that needed to be written and get work done. I am now able to study perfectly fine, everything like the ritalin. The major difference is that it does not make me feel mellow like the ritalin. I consider this both good and bad. There are times when I would prefer the robotic effect of ritalin because it does a much better job of making SURE I don't get distracted, but I do prefer the behavioral effects of amphetamine in social situations.

In a social context, the main benefit of amphetamine that I have found so far is that it allows me to generate speech much easier in normal flow of conversation. It is something that is very difficult to explain, but it allows me to feel much more open or wanting to share. Not that it makes me talkative, lol. I am still probably quiet, but it is easier to talk.

It is really difficult to quantify the effects it has socially, but I would say that it makes me less of what I previously have considered avoidant schizoid, the feelings of secretiveness, etc.

Despite making speech easier, though, it did not help with the actual social anxiety in the same way that ritalin did. Again, none of the mellow feeling.

However, I have known that one drug does completely remove the anxiety... although it was mostly useless to me up until this point since it didn't actually encourage me to speak or remove that schizoid/avoidant barrier, phenibut.

I was concerned about long term use of the drug due to horrifying accounts of it on the internet wherein tolerance builds quickly and the user escalates the dosage to very high levels (3-10 times the level I take it).

But after reading actual studies, it appears that the therapeutic usage of the drug follows a similar pattern to that of amphetamine: the initial effects produce euphoria, but the euphoria is NOT the therapeutic effect. In fact, with phenibut, at least one study suggests that the therapeutic effect increases as tolerance builds to the sedative/euphoric effect.

The positive long term observed effect was increase in mood and memory IIRC. Theoretically, it should have some anti-schizotypy effects due to chronic GABA-B activation.

So, I added 500mg at first for About a week after the first few days of school. Then I upped the dosage to 1g because I was lacking any positives from 500mg. 1g was great. I have been on it for about 2 weeks now I think(with a gap of 2 days for one weekend), and there are no signs of it getting any less effective. If anything, it is becoming more effective. I no longer get any sedative effect from it (at least as I recognize phenibut's sedative effects from trying higher doses). If it does begin to become less effective, I will assume that this means the medicine has failed, and I am NOT going to raise the dosage that that I have found where it is effective even if it becomes ineffective in the future.

Unexpectedly, it seems to have also made my thoughts clearer....

[ Continued ]

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Not a fun roller coaster

Permanent Linkby brainslug on Mon Apr 08, 2013 5:02 am

I had to go to the doc for the scorpion sting :\ It became swollen and crap, even after 2 weeks, and it was getting worse. They gave me antibiotics and prednisone. The swelling is gone. It is getting better, but that stuff has turned a previously semi-stable emotional state into a roller-coaster. I am having to take a lot of it, 5 pills, and I guess that is why. My mood has just been swinging so much, like it does in past situations, except there isn't even any cause for it, it just swings rapidly and randomly, and it sucks.

I have been thinking back about the prom-girl a lot, and feeling like crying, etc. Nothing has been able to counter it, and it sucks.

Anyway, I know I have said something about going to a psych soon for basically the whole time I have been on this site, but I actually have convinced my mom to let me go to one soon. We agreed I will go sometime this month or next, depending on working around finals/class and everything.

I have been taking ritalin for the past week and a half, and it is great. A really great thing. I can't explain how great it it. It is like total control over my mind. I love it. There was some really good feeling at first, but it has worn off. The control still remains, without the euphoria, and I am glad since the control is the main thing. It is like complete internal peace, I can do and think whatever I want. I am running out, though, so I am going to have to stop taking it every day, didn't take it today. I am not noticing a withdrawal, although there is normally a rebound right after it wears off for about an hour.

I am being careful not to take much at one time, trying to avoid the 'high' feeling. The results have been great, a large reduction of stress. I can come home, get done what I need to do, and then actually just relax and play some games or something, and I never have to worry about if I will be able to get my work done, and I am able to enjoy things I do for fun without the constant thinking/worrying about other things.

It is also helpful for social anxiety.

I went to eat lunch with my chem class after lab the thursday before last :) I also had some conversations, like without any kind of nervousness or anything. It makes it a lot easier to just stand up to my fears, almost to the point where I don't understand why I was so unable to before.

Still, it doesn't really make me any more extroverted. I am so entrenched as being "quiet" that if I were to suddenly start talking to people, I think it would look strange. It is hard to tell exactly if it is fully solving the problem because of this.

I feel really uncomfortable about taking something without prescription, though, and I hope that the psych will give me something equally effective (I will try anything but a SSRI, not going to go in fishing for ritalin, just try to be honest and see what they think I should have).

I am really excited.

The phenibut does nothing useful for my anxiety. I tried up to 2.5g, and all it does is make me go to sleep for a long time or feel dizzy if I stay up. Didn't do anything at college except make me feel like the world was spinning the whole day. Good for if I want to sleep for 18 hours with crazy dreams, I guess. I wish I could feel what everyone always talks about where it is so great, but I guess I am kinda glad so that I don't become addicted.

I have been watching a lot of Hitchcock movies recently. I am on the last few episodes of Monk, and I don't want to watch the last ones because I don't want it to be over. I have started watching the Walking Dead at my Dad's house, and it is pretty good.

I am excited about next semester: Calc II and Calc based Physics. I hope it will be interesting. Right now I have statistics, and it is so, so boring. I guess I shouldn't complain since it is easy, but I am ready to have something challenging, even though it will require a lot of work/though....

[ Continued ]

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The Sting of the Scorpion

Permanent Linkby brainslug on Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:15 pm

This morning, I woke up and turned off my alarm. When I did, I put my arm back on my bed and it stung. I was really confused since I was still in a kinda half-asleep state, and I was feeling around on the bed, thinking that maybe something sharp had gotten left on the bed, and was stung again on my finger. It burned kinda like a fire ant but a bit worse and more sharp. So I was really confused and I turned on my light. I didn't see anything, and I moved my pillow and there was a little scorpion under it. I freaked out.

I have never been stung by one or heard of anyone being stung by one, but I have seen them in my house before. It is a good think that it wasn't poisonous, because I am sure my heart was beating fast/hard enough to get the poison all the way through me almost instantly if it was.

I ran upstairs and woke my mother and we looked it up, and it was non-poisonous to humans. There aren't any poisonous ones where I live. Still, after only ever hearing about poisonous scorpions, I think my panic was warranted :)

It doesn't even hurt anymore, and I killed the scorpion in my room. I guess that will teach me not to keep pressing snooze, lol. Certainly got me awake that time.



I tried a new medicine Wednesday and yesterday called phenibut, 500mg wed and 1500mg yesterday. I was expecting strong anxiety relief. Nope. No such luck.

Despite people claiming it to be the best stuff ever and extremely addictive because of how good it is and it's rapid tolerance, I feel almost nothing.

Wednesday, nothing.

Today/yesterday, nothing. Anxiety is still about the same based on how I feel going to social network sites and thinking about social situations. I was able to have fun playing video games, so maybe a mild mood boost, but it was probably just placebo/chance. I felt a bit tired, but I don't know if that was just because it was getting close to sleeping time anyway. Any difference could very well be placebo. Not even close to what I was expecting. I guess I had too high expectations.

I will give it a break and probably try it at 3g next weekend and just see if it even does anything. It seems to be the right stuff based on its properties, and the company I bought it from even sent me a COA saying it was 99.9988% pure, and it seems like a pretty trusted company. It just does nothing for me. Who knows.

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no title

Permanent Linkby brainslug on Sat Mar 16, 2013 2:47 am

I haven't wrote a blog in a while, so I just wanted to write and update that nothing much had changed, :lol:

I have stopped using my twitter for about a month now. I still like the prom girl, and reading twitter was just unbearable. It is too much. A few other people from my high school also followed me and I followed back. People only seem to post about negative things, and, while I can sometimes handle it, it just gets to me after a while. Everyone is always upset or something, it seems like, and it makes me upset. Not to mention, the self-blaming for the prom-girl's unhappiness gets stronger the more I read about how something isn't working out for her on her twitter. I feel like I should do something and it is my fault, but I obviously can't.

The liking her is still there even still, and it seems like it will never end, but I rationally know that it must end, and probably soon. It just seems like it is always about to end, and then something triggers it and bam, it is hitting me full force again. I guess, in general, though, it isn't nearly as bad as it was a few months ago. It is pretty much at a low point. Still, at well over a year,this is reaching my record if it hasn't already surpassed it.

Recently, I have been taking pseudoephedrine with piracetam a lot. It is a divine combination, given to humans by the gods, no doubt :D

Despite what you would think, with pseudoephedine being a stimulant, and with neither substance having a really profound effect alone, the combination is EXTREMELY calming. I am 100% it isn't placebo, because I have never had anything this strong. All the restlessness just melts away. It is like the calmest peaceful meadow in the calmest summer. It doesn't help concentrate or anything, and it doesn't make me more productive, but it does make me feel so calm and not even worry about anything. It is like that feeling of "what if I don't..." just goes away, and everything is okay because I only need to go with the flow. All of the panic just goes away and it is like a matrix bullet-time or something with how clear everything seems. It is like all the static goes away. There is still a form of anxiety, though. It isn't like I am free, but it is the closest I have been.

I was looking back on my blog, as I was backing everything up (Psychforums has been having server errors and I want to have my stuff backed up for historical reference, ha ha). I feel like not a ton has changed over the course of the blog, but there has been a small amount of improvement, I feel.

Really, what I am most proud of is that I did give it a good try ("the old college try" lol). I am quite impressed with myself that I managed to be as regular as I was with my blogs and that I actually (in my mind at least) asked a girl on a date. WOW! Of course, I have also learned a lot and been helped a lot by the people that commented.

I will post here if anything major happens. I may be able to get to a psych soon. Just yesterday, I talked to my mom about it, and I may be able to get to one on my dad's insurance, and my mom seems kinda fine with it. I don't want SSRIs though, which I know they are going to try to give me. I hate to do it, but I may mostly bring up the attentional issues to try to get Ritalin or amphetamine, because I think that would do the most good. Of course, I am not a doctor and I feel silly acting like I could know what is better for me, but I am not taking SSRIs, just not going to happen, don't even want the potential for their side effects. If I thought that they would give me parnate or something, I would be honest, but I doubt any modern doc is going to give me a MAOI, especially without trying SSRIs first. I would even take a SSRE, but no SSRIs, and no benzos. Well, maybe benzos, but not preferred....

[ Continued ]

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Blood

Permanent Linkby brainslug on Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:50 am

Blood tests were normal. The only abnormality was a slightly high blood sugar (103).

I was told again that I need to gain weight. I am 6'1" and 142, so I am getting close to underweight. I was told that eating would help anxiety and fatigue. I can understand the fatigue, but anxiety? I don't know.

She offered an SSRI prescription. I don't want SSRIs, though. Too many/too severe possible long term side-effects. I would rather self-medicate with safe stuff and try to CBT it out of me.

I think I am getting a bit better about social stuff. At least, it isn't really causing me much distress right now. Just minor stuff, but I will live.

I said something to the girl about her smoking. It was killing me, I had to say something. I know it must be an attention or self-destruction thing or she must be depressed (in the past, she has binged on stimulants like energy drinks when depressed.) I know she didn't just think "hmm... I think I will try a cigarette." I doubt I can persuade her to stop, but I don't want her to keep hurting herself. I wish she could just be okay.

I was kinda panicky in an angry way about it earlier today. I think the pseudoephdrine makes it easier to to be like that. I took some theanine (800mg) and that calmed me down, but I think it was a bit much because I am feeling kinda out of it. Its not unsafe, I have heard of doses up to 2g.

I think I am going to lay off of the blog posting for a while.

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