Not much happened today.

In calculus, I got my test back. I made a 91 which is okay with me. I still made some silly mistakes. I got 2 points off for the thing I mentioned yesterday (although I miss-solved it in a slightly different way then I thought I had.), 3 points off for rounding to the wrong decimal places on a chart, and 4 points off for missing a problem about continuity in which I don't know what possessed me to pick the answer I did. Still, I was glad because my notation was good, and he spent half of the class yelling at how most people's notation was horrible. Thank you, high school precalc teacher, for being so anal about our notation

In lit, I couldn't find my textbook that we were reading a play from, so I had to move my desk closer to the person next to me. I had no book, and I glanced at him, and he offered to share his book (we are supposed to share books if we forget ours, but it was nice that he didn't try to resist or something). He was cool, but it was kinda awkward, I felt. I don't know. Nothing too major, though.

In chem we retook the naming quiz. I feel like I did a little better, although I know I missed one problem because I didn't think that surfer had a fixed charge, which it does. It was only one prefix, though (probably half credit), and I feel better about this one. I guess I will have to wait until I get my paper back, though.

Compsci was fun, as always.

I am super tired. Hooray for a 3 day weekend.

Today was great, grand, a very lucky draw from life's cards.

Most things went really well, and the things that didn't don't matter too much because I am just so relieved. I feel so safe.

It actually does not start off too well. This morning, I was supposed to leave at 8:00 in order to have plenty of time to get to lab which starts at 9:00 (40 minute drive if I go the speed limit, and 10 minute walk from where I park, and I like to be a bit early). I didn't wake up until around 7:30, so I had to hurry to take a shower, eat, brush my teeth, etc. I ended up leaving at 8:15, and I was freaking out. Right before I left, I took my lemon balm and theanine pill for lab, but I also took 200mg extra theanine, bumping the theanine up some to the clinical trial levels (total of 400mg theanine). I will go ahead and say that if my brain state was great today even in part because of that, it is a wonderful drug. I felt really, really good. Then again, it was a pretty good day, so I can't fully separate the effects.

So, as I was driving, I was speeding. Not too much, but about 5-10mph over, constantly. This was kinda a big deal to me, and I don't plan on doing it often, but people in front of me were still going faster than me sometimes. I mean, how much of a hurry do you have to be in? What is really that important?

But I got there at about 8:45 and walked quickly to the school, so I think I got to the school at about 8:50. Then, as I was passing the elevator, a girl from my chem class was also going up, and she had an elevator there and called to me or something, asking me if I was going up and wanted to take the elevator. Miraculously, I didn't spaz out, and I accepted. It didn't even seem awkward to me. She asked me the time, and I told her, which I think helped with the awkwardness.

Anyway, I waited in the lounge for the class to start, and then when everyone else started getting up, I went in. When I got in, I went to the back (naturally).

I was expecting to partner with this one guy who sat behind me yesterday in chem, and who is also very quiet, but we talked a bit because he couldn't see what was on the board, and he was asking me some. That didn't happen, though.

As I was standing back there near the back, everyone else in there (not many people yet) already had a partner. Suddenly, this one girl came into class pissed at the world. Her car had broken down, and she was sick, she forgot her glasses, and she was in a foul mood. She came in yelling, and then she forcefully asked who didn't have a partner yet. I was standing alone, and she said "You, do you have a partner?" when no one volunteered. I didn't know what to think, but surprisingly, I was not really panicking, just a bit scared. I shook my head "no", and she became my lab partner.

At first I was terrified. Not really panicking, but terrified of this woman. Then she said that she couldn't see the front, so we moved up a table to be right across from the only three person group consisting of someone who had gone to HS with me, the girl who I had just rode the elevator with, and the girl I semi-sorta "like"-like. I didn't freak out, though.

The first task was a difficult one. We had to heat glass pipets and streach them to make little capillary things. I was a little nervous about this. I was not good at it, but neither were most other people. We got what we needed, though.

The rest of the class went well. We did the procedures correctly, and it was surprisingly smooth except for one time I accidentally grabbed the wrong chemical, and the lab partner told me it was wrong and I didn't realize at first, because the names were similar, but then I realized and felt like a bit of an idiot, but she didn't seem to pay much attention to it, and no one else noticed.

I am actually pretty glad that this woman was working with me. She seems smart enough, and she is actually pretty nice to me and guiding. I think it helps majorly that:
1. She is married,...

[ Continued ]

Today was okay... kinda...

The school part was fine. The calc test didn't seem to difficult, and I think it is possible that I made an A on it, but I can't really be sure because I could have made a lot of stupid mistakes. I know I made one mistake already. The problem was "lim as a->0 of (√ (a+1)-1)/a" It should have been simple. I even got it to "1/(√ (a+1)+1) and then wrote that it was undefined because I somehow was subtracting the one outside the radical, and I thought that it would add to be zero. It just really pisses me off to no end. I don't know, it has been bugging me all day.

I didn't do much in lit, and in chem we had a review type of thing, and I got the answers right, except I messed up on significant figures on a few of them because I was thinking that Avogadro's number was precise, but looking back on it, that is kinda a silly assumption because it is so unlikely that anything would have 21 0s in a row if it was not defined arbitrarily. I did get the extra credit, though. Most of the class got it, and it was a nice relief from the calculus mistake.

Compsci was good, though. It actually started off kinda bad because she asked how many of us had started on the homework, and then scolded those of us who hadn't, saying if we didn't care we should just drop the class and not even wait until midterm, and spare her and the rest of the class the resources. So, I felt bad for not starting on that. Then she gave us a pop-quiz (but not for a grade, just for self assessment), and I made in the well-above-average range, so I felt kinda good about that. Still not as well as I would have liked to do. I made 7/10, but only a few people raised their hands for 5/10 or above, and the people behind me (we passed the papers up) made 2/10 and 3/10. I am sure there were a few people who made perfect on it, but I am happy with my 7/10. It can make up for math.

Then when I got home, I saw my senior pictures. I hate pictures already, but my god. I really hate those pictures. It makes me sick just to look at them. I hate the smile. It didn't even look natural at all. It looked like my smile was too big or something, I don't know, I hate it. When I saw them, I actually felt physically SICK. Not in a metaphorical way of feeling sick. I felt dizzy and wanted to throw up, and there was a huge buzz in my head, and I almost felt like crying. I don't know. I don't have the words to express my hate towards the pictures. I just absolutely hate them with all my hate that is possible. So, I just took some lemon balm and a ton of L-theanine. Maybe I can relax now. I have been tense for about an hour now, but it is starting to go away some as the pills are kicking in.

Well, today was a short day, so there was not a ton of stuff that happened.

Firstly, I slept for about 12 and a half hours last night, so I didn't have much time at home before school and felt like I had wasted a lot sleeping, but I guess if I slept that much, I need that much, and I am not going to argue with my bodily needs. I need that prefrontal cortex to develop nice and strong, ha ha.

Then I had sociology class. Not much new there. However, when I was walking out of the class(in the hallway, really), that girl who I was talking about in my last post (the one who has almost every class with me) was right behind me. I passed through the hall-exit door before her and semi-held it( like when you are both walking through the door where it opens out, away from you, and you don't stop, but you keep your hand holding the door open until their hand reaches the door so that it does not start to fall closed before they reach for the door) and glanced over my shoulder, and she thanked me. I acknowledged, but I don't remember my exact words. Then I quickly went down the stairs and exited the building. She was still behind me, I think. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself by hurrying. Deep breaths, though. No need to worry about that. What is done is done, and there were probably some more likely explanations to her than "he kinda likes me, but is afraid to interact with me, and so he was attempting to flee any situation where he would have a chance of conversation with me." I am sure most people would just think "He must have a class to be to, or somewhere to be soon."

So, that situation triggered something good in my mind, using good loosely here. It felt good when she acknowledged me. That raises some concern. I need to be really careful here. I still don't know if she has a boyfriend or anything about her at all, really (not even her name, and it is probably best that I don't learn it, else I think it may speed up the process). I think if there is some "hope"-ability for this, I may follow into the crush/limerence. Honestly, even though it provokes a lot of negative emotions, and it makes me feel so horrible being alone, it has been a huge source of growth and motivation to get well in the past, and I think I need that. Also, times like this where I don't feel strongly about anyone is kinda boring. I like having someone to fixate one, as demented as that may sound. I just don't want to enter into a hopeless one and have pure torture for whatever unspecified period that it lasts. I just need to be observant and find out before it gets too strong so that I can throw the killswich on the feeling without much resistance(and while I still have the ability to do so).

When I got home, I had to study for math. Bah, calculus. Hopefully I will do well on that. It is in the morning before my tired time, so it should be fine.

Which brings up the situation that I am getting tired in the middle of the day again. I think it wasn't happening so much before because I had the stimulants, but not I am noticing it again. I seem to get really tired naturally around 10:00AM. This is not surprising considering my past sleep schedules. I prefer being awake at night. My natural sleep schedule is something like 8:00AM to 5:00PM based on the times I have been able to sleep and wake when naturally (without pills or an alarm), but that can't happen in the real world

Today was a strange day.

Partially, it was good. I brought my laptop. I sat down in between classes and screwed around on that. I was originally intending on doing some comp sci homework, but I spent most of my time trying to get the program to compile right.

Math was good this morning, too. I was really clear-headed, and I didn't really make any mistakes ( I was working a bit ahead of the professor on the review we were doing and verifying if it was correct when he got to it)

Later in the day, though, my allergies started bothering me a lot. The quercetin I was taking was pretty much getting rid of my allergies, but now they are back full force, and I hate it. Sinus pressure is not fun, and it can be distracting, but oh well. I have some other sinus medication, but it is too late to take it now because it has pseudo-ephedrine in it which will keep me up. I should probably just put some in my car and then take it at the middle of the day. I swear, when I move out, I am moving far, far away from this place to somewhere with far less allergens.

On the way to Chem, I saw a girl who I had a crush on in middle school. I don't like her in that way anymore, but it is still kinda strange. I guess when you had a crush on someone for two years, it is bound to make your perception of them a bit off forever. Anyway, she said "Hi, [brainslug]", and that was nice. People don't really say hi to me much, so it is always nice for someone to recognize me, even if it is strange like this. I said "hello" back, but I was a bit out of breath from briskly walking up the stairs (lol), and my voice was a bit distorted so I sounded a bit frustrated or angry. I think she understood though, and I have been telling myself all day that she had no reason to think I was mad at her, so she wouldn't think that. It has taken all my my little bit of willpower to keep from obsessing about that all day. I just stowed it away to drop it off here in the blog, ha ha.

Speaking of obsessions and crushes, my mind of full of apathetic confusion right now.

Firstly, I hate social networks because every time I log into one, I see something about or by this one girl who I has a situation with in highschool. She asked me to prom, and I thought she was joking; i have told this story a million times on here. Well, I am mostly "over" her, but every time I check twitter or even open up facebook (which I do to see if I have any new friend requests or messages. Not that I ever do, but I feel like I should check.) her name or one of her posts is always at the freaking top, and then I start to think about her again, and it really pisses me off. I am conflicted about if I even want to like her, and if she could still like me, but then I think "this whole thing is so stupid, I shouldn't be worrying about this, I was almost in the clear".

Now, as if my mind is just trying to make matters worse, I fear that I am developing a crush/obsession/limerence on ANOTHER female. I guess I am overdue anyway. About a month without an obsession is reaching the due date for another one.

There is a girl in almost every single class that I have, and she is getting into my mind more than I would feel comfortable with. The kind of attention that my mind is directing at her is like that feeling at the beginning of a crush, before you even know that you like the person. It is like a compulsion to look at them and pay attention to them. It is hard to define. But sometimes it doesn't actually develop into a crush, so I am waiting to see what happens. Sometimes it just stays in that sort of stage and then steadily goes away. My attention has been directed like that since the first day of school (something about like a think that makes them different, you know. Something based on their demeanor or something that sets them off from everyone else. I don't know. I don't mean something magical or anything. It must be something subconscious), so the results should be in...

[ Continued ]