Today my good mood fell, as to be expected, I guess. It was kinda sudden, though.
I actually woke up in a bad mood and cried before I got out of bed, which is pretty bad considering that I was in a good mood the day before. Maybe it was a bad dream that I don't remember or something, but the change was pretty sudden. What triggered the emotionality was that I was thinking about scifi movies(my friend had asked me to recommend him some good sci-fi last night), and I thought about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which was on one of the lists for great scifi movies. That is a great movie, but it is highly, highly emotional for me, for a lot of different reasons. I got stuck in one of those thought loops about it. It was pretty bad, but I am mostly okay now.
I blame the fact that I have had to change my sleep schedule recently
Anyway, I checked twitter. I still haven't followed Ada's advice and installed anything.
Anyway, I went through and checked my follower list to see if there was anyone new (I do this often, but I actually haven't looked in a while.)
The strangest thing was that the girl was at the top of the list. I have always thought that it was in chronological order with the oldest being at the bottom, so I was thinking "did they change the sorting order?" But the one that used to be at the bottom was still in the same place, and they weren't in alphabetical order.
So, I checked my recent interactions thing, and she had followed me around 2:45 in the afternoon(it changed over hours ago when I was swapping back and fourth, so that means that it happened at that time in the hour unless there is an imprecision in the counter), yesterday. Her account was also changed from locked to unlocked.
It was actually a very strange feeling. It wasn't a necessarily bad feeling. It was a kinda cold feeling, but not painful, like when they but water in your veins when you are dehydrated and it is cold, but deep inside you and not on your skin.
Of course, that drove me insane. Pretty poor timing, if you ask me.
Of course, I was thinking "what is the significance of this?" "What does this mean?" "Why in the world would she unfollow and then refollow me?" I was wondering if she had gotten mad or something for a short time, and I was wondering when exactly she unfollowed me, since I haven't checked in a while. Then I was wondering why she would bother to follow me again, and if she had unfollowed me, couldn't she just not follow me back, but she did so does that mean something?
Well, I was trying to figure it out, and I though of the fact that maybe when she changed the profile from private to open, it did something and unfollowed then followed everyone she was following.
So, I checked my step-brother's page to see if she was at the top of his as well, and she was.
Most likely, it was just a glitch caused when she changed it from private to open.
Still, I found the email from when she first followed me, and she was only following 46 people, so I should have been the 46th or 47th. However, I am really close to the top (within the top 10 or 15) and she has 70 something now, so that makes no sense. That would mean that she would have had to follow at least 10 people (and these are real people that go to our school) in the past day. Maybe it only affected some of us. I would say maybe it scrambled them, but I changed my profile to private a while ago and then back a few weeks ago, and mine are still in the correct order. I don't know. I don't want to think about it.
It wasn't in time to stop the flood of fantasy and reactivation of everything, though.
I've been thinking now about what I was thinking a long time ago, that even though I had screwed up on the prom thing, there was next year since we would technically be seniors in HS this year.
The fact that I didn't get as much better as I planned is sobering. Debatabley, I am a bit better on average than I was at the time she was asking me to prom, but I don't feel like I am really conquering my problems like I had planned to, and I don't even know if the net direction will be up.
I am half-possessed to go on facebook and strike up a conversation and see where it goes, but the "and see where it goes" part is terrifying. There is quite a potential for it to go badly, and if it does... I will be down for a long time. It is just very terrifying to think of typing something and her saying something to the effect of "Shut up and go away, I don't want to talk to you". At the same time, it makes me feel very selfish because talking to her is unlikely to significantly upset her. She will either have never liked me, have gotten over me, or still like me, and any of the choices don't really have an outcome where she is hurt by the fact that I am talking to her.
Still, it is terribly difficult to even think of. There are also mild thoughts of not being worthy, etc, but those are much less than the same time last year --I guess there is some improvement.
But the thought of me fixing the situation is just.... astoundingly wonderful. To think that, after having so much guilt and regret over it, it could potentially be undone... I can't even describe it. The thought that everything even could work out in the end is surreal.
More than anything, I am extremely confused by the lack of contact. Unknown said something in the dating thread that applies here, that the lack of contact drives us mad. Except, for me, it is lack of contact for about 6 months. I have no idea what she thinks of me anymore, if she hates me or still kinda thinks good of me. It is utterly impossible to tell.
I guess now, as I am writing, I am not quite in such a bad mood. I am kinda in a mixed mood, really, even thought I know the good part is fueled by imagination and fantasy. Even thinking of when she hugged me or played with my hair (which reads more strangely than it was) is the best feeling of that type since when it actually happened. Paradoxically, it is the best feeling of being worth something, although I simultaneously felt like I wasn't worth being able to have it.