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bela123
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I think I may have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

Permanent Linkby bela123 on Fri Jul 10, 2015 8:47 pm

Sometimes, when my mother doesn't treat me well, I think: ''I don't love her anymore''. I don't know if it's just an expression of anger or if I really consider the possibility of stoping to love her. If I had RAD, I would not feel anything for her to consider stop feeling it, right? When I thought my mother didn't love me I threw her stuff through the window and wanted not to love her. I ask myself if I should love someone that doesn't love me. I don't know if these reactions are normal. And when my dad said I was hot, I got agressive with him too, is this normal? I didn't have friends because my classmates were arrogant, so I decided not to talk to them. And I felt anger because they didn't like me and treated me like a loser. Everytime I think of how they treat me I get mad and agressive to them. I think that someone who doesn't treat me well deserves to be treated like $#%^. And maybe one of the reasons why I'm always mad at my classmates is because I feel humiliated by them.
When I feel jealous of someone I feel so angry too, I want to kill the person. And when I was mad at my dad I was looking for ways to kill on the internet, I don't know if it was just an expression of anger or if I really wanted to have the courage to kill him. But I don't have this courage.
Maybe I want to be a killer because I would love to kill everyone for treating me like $#%^, wishing that I was dead, and not loving me and making me faded to die alone. And killing would be a good way of calling attention.
I have some lack of empathy, because I used to steal things. And I throw water at animals and carry them when they don't want me to. And try to take pictures of them when they don't want me to. And I was in doubt if I wanted to be an arrogant person. I doubt my opinions about almost everything, so I doubted if not being arrogant was the right thing to do. I also doubt if humiliating someone that you don't like is bad, if killing is bad. Everyone humiliates people they don't like. And sometimes I think everyone is arrogant (because everyone treats me as inferior), so I think: maybe being arrogant is ok, because everyone is arrogant.

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My parents's bad influence in my personality

Permanent Linkby bela123 on Sun Mar 01, 2015 12:53 am

When we are young, there's no way we can avoid not being influenced by our parents. I never realized I had the same bad habits my parents have until I was 15. Now, I'm starting to stop acting like them. But something, I make the mistake of taking them as an example. Do you guys think this is an unaceptable mistake? Even now, that I'm 18, I still let myself be influenced by my parents. The other day I started belching making noise like my father does. I sometimes like to do disgusting stuff, because I think I'm disgusting.
My dad eats too much, what makes him extremely overweighed. So do I. I'm 18 and I’m like 10 kg over the normal weight. I'm gonna start to exercise a lot swimming in the pool of my condo and stop eating caloric food. This is gonna be good to me, because I have a tendency of becoming diabetic, because my family has people with this disease. And I want to become a model.
When someone does something to my dad and he doesn't like it, when a person ofends him, he gets really angry, but he doesn't forget about what happened, he beards a grudge, and he thinks he has to avoid talking and being close to the person that ofended him. He thinks people that ofended him deserve to be spanked, etc. Besides bearging a grudge is bad for our health, we have to show people whe are different from them, that we are educated people, and treat who didn't treat us well normally, we have to forgive. I had trouble forgiving, I was also a bear grudger. Everytime my parents came near me, I got angry at them, because of something they did to me years ago. My mother told me I was a retard when I was 6, and this made me so sad and angry. I thought everytime she was going to talk to me, she was going to offend me, and that made me really mad. That's the origin of my low self esteem. I thought my mother didn't love me. My father never said anything like that to me, but I was constantly angry at him too. It's probably because when I was younger I realized he is a loser, and thought since I'm his daughter, I was a loser too, because like father, like son. The reason I bear a grudge is because when someone offends me, my self esteem becomes lower, that's really unpleasant.
I had trouble getting along with my classmates last year, because I didn't like talking to losers, I used to think they didn't deserve my company. But I learned it's good to talk to people, and it's better to talk to inferior people than being alone. It's OK to be friends with inferior people.
My dad is shy, so am I. Sometimes I get ashamed of speaking to people through the webcam, asking my teachers something I didn't understand, saying nice things to people, etc. And I like to please people, I sometimes worry about this a lot. It's because I want to be liked, and I don't feel people like me, because of my low self esteem.
My mom goes crazy when something doesn't go the way she wants to. She is always complaining. I can get real mad when things don't go the way I want to too. I get really anxious during my classes, I sometimes sleep in them, I like things to go exactly the way I want. When I open the fridge and there's nothing I like to eat (I basically didn't like to eat anything that wasn't sweet), 5 minutes later I was opening it again, like I couldn't believe the food I like wasn't there, I wanted it to be there. I actually don't know if this kind of mistake happens because to compensate my low self esteem, I try to think of me as a queen, a goddesss, and I act like one. That explains the reason I'm so lazy: I feel to pretty to do anything.
I'm going to bed, it's almost 10 PM in Brazil. Was anyone identified with my personality?
Have a good day/night. :) Bye

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Introducing me

Permanent Linkby bela123 on Sun Mar 01, 2015 12:46 am

My name is actually not Nina, but I don't feel comfortable posting with my real name.
I'm forgetting everything since 1997, coping with low self esteem, paraphilias, my parents's bad influence in my personality, etc.
If you need me, feel free to talk to me. :)

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