I made my decision, the same way I decided days earlier to start taking pills in gradually increased dosages. It started out as yet another way to self harm, to kill myself slowly... Or at least kill the thing inside me that generated all the hatred I have for myself. The same thing that ate away at who I used to be, what I wanted to become.
It left me empty, a void hollowed out by every voice, that touch and every word spoken negatively about who I was. That's why I hold onto all the bad with such a firm grasp, it's the one thing the monster within me refuses to touch. Why wouldn't I want to salvage the shredded pieces of my old self left behind?
They serve as my anchor to the past now... Memories can't be trusted, they are so easily twisted from dreams and figments of the imagination. Pain and scars; they are there no matter what.
Unyielding to time, unforgiving when you need to forget.
You can't fake strong emotion, it's the difference between steel and tin. The times of overwhelming joy, cold hard hopelessness, and extreme fear... leave marks on your soul; your mind.
Or maybe everything I tell myself is a lie, a way to continue the cycle of self abuse. People can move on, they can find it in them to accept what they can't change and instead focus on a future free from it all.
Not me, I don't deserve that much.
I think I'll stay here a while longer... 15, waiting for the lights to come back on.

Awww ambivalence *super huge hugs*

I'm pretty suckish with words, so the best I can come up with is stay strong, darlin'.

What I've found with SI in any form is that it not only kills me physically, but it kills me inside, the deep-down person I am. Annoyingly, this person no one ever really sees because it's buried deep beneath self-hatred, anger and guilt. From what you've written on various posts, you seem like an absolutely amazing person. Stop killing the awesome person you are inside. And even if you don't care, I do and plenty of other people do too, believe me.

Try not to beat yourself up and if you ever need anything, I'd love to help as best I can

Aw thanks, I didn't notice anyone had responded sorry for the bit of a delay in response ^^

I agree, it definitely changes who you are and it holds back who you really want to be. Even though at times it seems like the only way to feel something, I really think it's just another way for me to escape dealing with the real emotion, if I did I would have to let down every guard and wall.
Thanks that really means a lot, this forum and everyone is just awesome (:
*hugs back*