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- September 2019
he doesn't get to read my nonsense. haha!
   Mon Sep 09, 2019 6:35 am

+ February 2019
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he doesn't get to read my nonsense. haha!

Permanent Linkby alice524 on Mon Sep 09, 2019 6:35 am

Grey-yellow light. A set stage. Don’t think about it too much. Let the magic flow.
I dreamt about my room again. This time there were snakes. Oh, so many grisly, writhing, seductively visceral snakes. And two strangers.
What do I spend my free time thinking of? Am I normal? What do I need to focus on. How can I evolve. Who should I mimic these days.
My desire for the disturbing is a bottomless pit. How strange are the thoughts of the tree twisted by wind, limp and sideways for want of the sun.
My ideal life, then, what does it look like? Partially, it seems, to unfold into reality. Meaning, how have I manifested such a thing before I knew how to do it? It seems, the more I learn about myself the less powerful I am. Am I chasing a rabbit hole? Is the quest for truth a diversion, a cruel joke? Though, it would be funny, how seriously I take everything only to discover there is no more rhyme or reason in the world than in a tossed salad.
Or perhaps the more effort I exert, the more I get in my own way. What I want is what is meant. I cannot grow straight up into the sunlight. I must let it be and it will come. Yes, that’s it. You’ve known that for some time, too- “The only way to truly get what you want it to stop wanting it.” That’s how you’ve gotten it sofar, right? And yet, you still need such-and-such-and-such-and-such. My inner being, the wordless self, desires improvement. The layers and layers are calling. There is never a final prototype. The formless void becomes corrupted when brought into consciousness.
I cannot control anything. There is no reason, no reason at all why life should end up any sort of way. Have I been asleep up till now? How memory does fade like that. Indeed, just this morning I pulled a full sentence from the dream into memory. Absolute nonsense- terrible notes of a mumble-jumble song about somebody’s head- that sentence is too forgotten.
Absolute nonsense this is, even now. Look, you set out with one intention- how indeed you’ve outdone yourself in the waste this time! How indeed, the more I write with no intention of anyone else reading it, do the words end up ever more sincere, and useless! To anyone but myself, that is.
I know what I want from life. Not to be pass the line fully- that’s certainly not for me. It’s always been a more- hmm, what’s the good word, passive- dare I say, manipulative? Indulgent satisfaction is driving another to do the dirty work so I can watch. I don’t think I’m evil. The minute I serve evil for its namesake to self-serve the ego, the minute I become disappointed in the results. No, I let the inside force do it- not the outside force. Somehow I must take my inside-force and shift it into another’s inside-force, without contact with the Outside. Wormholes? Narcissism? Over-and-out.

Hmm, yummy. Yummy yummy yummy. I crave the flesh that has chopped the flesh. The energy moves in passive ways. I crave to be ever more surprising to excite its blood. It, too, descends and never finishes unfolding. I can sense it. Ah, now I see, what attracts the one to the other, I’m sure we sense these type of things.

You forgot that victim’s name, the poor, wretched soul. what use now is your master scheme? Haha. The easiest route, I do believe, would be the guilt factor- “if you died, I wouldn’t even cry. Not that much.” Oh, what untrue words they are. “I won’t give in, no matter how much Lady Death beckons.” He would have broken your arm, now would he have? He thinks of *mod edit* Yes, all these things he hates, he can’t help but be open about, for what is hidden in the dark must be brought into the light? No, I think you know how he feels, for as you too struggle with bringing out what will destroy you, the light you expect to heal only burns. He burns.
I have no doubt of your ability to carry out something truly diabolical, given the right motivation. Let him falter, you can wait and wait better than anyone. But what will be the point? I can’t have a true plan, I can o...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Sep 09, 2019 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: graphic violence

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obsessive terror of abandonment

Permanent Linkby alice524 on Mon Feb 25, 2019 6:20 pm

do you love me? why do you love me? you're all I have. have you gone anywhere and had fun lately? how are you feeling today? what are your plans for the weekend? what are your plans for the future? have you made any new friends? have you kept up with all the many, many friends you already have? when will your collection end? am I not enough for you? are you still talking to that sl*t you know I hate? what will be enough for you? when will it all be enough? when will I be enough?

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