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- March 2019
Old Writings
   Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:53 pm

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Old Writings

Permanent Linkby Zor on Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:53 pm

I shared several old poems on the forums here (https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic211905.html) and thought I'd make a blog post here to make them easier to find for people.

The Unknown (Oct-Dec 96)

A constantly erratic theme
Where only the stars gleam

A place of nightmares and dreams
a place of forever equals and no teams

The great motion in works
Where the ultimate unknown lurks

A forest of stellar sights
A thousand maybes and mights

A place of wonder no one will find
A world only within our mind

Open Wounds (3-13-97)

My life is full of nothing
holes I cannot fill in my mind
nightmares, dreams, hopes, fears
all inside but not all mine

Open woulds bleeding inside
in places I don't know
in places I can't find

She dances, she is a flower, she is
my precious fairy, he is my
strength, he is my mirror, none are
me who are all me

These open wounds remain
buried beneath the skin so far
they pull me down like tar
these open wounds a hidden pain
No One Knows (6 Dec 98)

No one knows that this is true
Deep within, other versions of me
Longing to be open and free as you
Desperately hidden, desperate that you don't see

We cling inside to our lights
Hiding from the shadows dark
No one knows the pain and frights
No one knows we are your fire's spark

My Grief (3-28-97)

I'm walking through the trails by Moose Lake, it's 2AM
the branches pull at the tights, tug on the skirt
"I feel pretty." I hear the words but it's not me, I don't say them
If I knew how I got here, if the heels didn't make my feet hurt

Another night sneaking into the house dressed like a girl
I'll bury the clothes in my closet, deep inside
the feel I'll get caught, I want to hurl
I hate that again this happened, ashamed I'll hide

Why don't I remember how it began, where I got this dress
the things I'm in, down to the panties, too scared to be amused
a 10 minute walk, I left as a boy, over an hour later an amnesiac girl, what a mess
so much time, many actions, no memory, I feel self-abused

I know I'm not gay, or think I'm a girl, so what the hell?!
How does this keep happening to me, why has it always happened to me?!
I feel like I'm living between lives, the memory gaps a prison cell
I wish I knew what was concealed, what my mind hides from me

Another weekend babysitting, wearing worthless clothes is fine
so when I find myself away from here dressed like a pretty flower
long since thrown away what I wore, it won't be a big loss of mine
I don't know what I'll be in or doing, and I hope it's not longer than an hour

My Monster (5-7-97)

I feel the monster stirring inside
it plagues my mind, haunts my dreams
it is the nightmare I cannot forget or hide
I fear it is more real than it seems

A dark man standing like an overlord
whose menacing presence makes me shake
his touch as dark as his form, I feel whored
he comes just a few times a year, how much can I take

My monster is the worst kind
not only because he makes me a little kid
My monster lives within my mind
always punishing my crying after doing what he did

How am I so awful to deserve this fate
what did I do to be punished by his touch
despite my dear friends inside, it's me I hate
Am I so awful to deserve this pain, because it's just too much

My monster says he loves me while he destroys
openly gentle and loving with a smile
but when he comes for me alone, it's a menacing poise
what he did poisons the mind with toxic bile

My monster chases me, catches me, causes strife
could I ever be free without ending my life

Nashville (17 Apr 02)

A dark train pulls into Nashville
He can't remember from where he just came
The city lights confuse his brain he doesn't know where to go
The sky above is just ascloudy as the day he's seen

He keeps looking into the mirror every day
hoping he'll see something he knew yesterday
he keeps looking into himself
hoping to find the answers to who he was

A cold rain falls over Nashville
He can't stop shivering from deep within
The rain pounds on his window, but he'll never know it when morning begins
The night outside is as dark as the sight of the day

He keeps looking into the mirror every day
hoping he'll see something he knew yesterday
he keeps looking into himself
hoping to find the answers to who he was

Tomorrow he'll take the train out of Nashville
He won't remember how he got there or why
The days go by so fast without recollection, and no one can tell him why
The days are a blur like the memory of his recent life

Freedoms (to dream for) (24 Sep 03)

Put me in a nice skirt
and then put ribbons in my hair
top me off with a pretty pink shirt
let me be free, I don't care if they stare

they think they know so much
but they see so little
and they are blind to compassion's touch
to far to the sides to see the middle

bows on my shoes and simple white tights
all on soft skin and legs so smooth
why is personal expression won with fights
why does fear make it impossible to move

and underneath what I'll wear as well
pretty, personal, and private; protected by my modesty
as such there's some things I'll just never tell
why is what I want so hard for you to see

let me wear a pretty dress
and do the day as I always would
my life is mine, not just a mess
I don't believe what you think I should

we can wear adult clothes, a skirted suit, too
even high heels and panty-hose
let me just be equal as much as you
I long for freedoms such as those

To fly on my own wings
to be able to wear my own things
To just be wear I'm at
to show off my ears like a cat
To be as pretty as a sunflower
to be myself is a heady power
To be adorned in ribbons and bows
as soft as silk, head to toes
To dance, spin, and twirl
to be as carefree as a little girl
To be free, what a dream
To show we're more than we seem.

So this ending, the pairs (all but the last) are a "roll call" of sorts for the girls in us...
"my own wings" - Pixie
"ears like a cat" - Kaitie-Lynn, nickname "Kitten"
"pretty as a sunflower" - Katya's nickname is "sunflower" (early-mid teens)
"adorned in ribbons and bows, soft as silk" - Satin
"carefree as a little girl" - Chloe (10-12'ish)

I only know ages for a few... it's a fuzzy subject given the last 8 years or so on FB and appearing to age like I do, but NOT being my age like the oldest/earliest ones should be if they always aged like I do... I know Chloe is a kid, she wants a "Pinkie Pie" plushie... sleeps with my Ryo-Ohki plushie often... I know Katya inside says she's 18 and about to marry Noah in the narrative world inside, but in reality they say she's a little younger than that... and when I first "met" her online it was when she was 13... and she honestly came across as a little older, but a little younger now... so mid-teens is my best guess.

Pixie, Kitten, and Satin are all similar ages... but it's hard to pin down how old they are given the forced changes they went through to appear normal over the years... we're still trying to get to know each other, learn each other, and all that in this other sort of way and if it's important I guess we'll know and/or figure it out as we go.

(Body - Male, 39)
Zor - primary host & main poster
The rest of us: {\Pixie/}, Kaitie-Lynn (aka "Kitten"), Kaleb, Angel, Katya, Satin, Charles, Chloe, Noah, and a few rarely seen
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