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The hell do I do? by JG92 on Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:09 pm
Hey everyone,

I'm not sure if this'll be read, but I have nothing to lose at the moment. So I'll start by telling you a bit about myself and we'll go from there.

The basics: I'm 20 years old and live in the UK. The not so basic bit about me is that I've recently been diagnosed with social phobia and right now, I'm struggling with every aspect of living and for the past 3 years, my life has been dictated by a permanent knot in my stomach, and the Sword of Damocles hanging forever over my head.

Starting back at the beginning, I was a normal kid, I was a normal teenager and I thought I'd grow into a normal adult - I was wrong. I won't bore you all with the accounts detailing my life and growing up, but rather explain the past year or so, and explain my current predicament.

Last year, roughly in June, I gained employment with a Nursing Home in my home town and naturally got very excited. The idea of helping people less able-bodied than myself and giving them comfort was a wonderful thought. On my first day, I walked through the doors with an open mind and a want to learn and to help. For the next three weeks I began my journey toward an NVQ, with high hopes that I may utilise that qualification to become a councillor in the future and better my career. Physically, I found the job difficult, too difficult at times. I suffer from Scoliosis, and so my back is weak at the best of times, but constantly lifting, bending over and on my feet for the entire day began to take it's toll soon after my employments inception. On more than one occasion I couldn't move due to my back being in agony. Not good for a 19 year old. I soon began to get run down. I became anxious and depressed, and I could never switch off from work - resulting in me losing hours of sleep due to hearing and seeing things every time I closed my eyes at night. I'd settle down after watching an episode of Spaced or Green Wing, and I'd immediately hear the voices of my co-workers and I'd worry I'd forgotten to do something. Weird, right?

Anyways, after learning one of my favourite residents in the home wasn't expected to last long, I soon began to question my job choice. The job itself was the most humble and rewarding thing I'd ever done, and I'm eternally thankful for my employer for giving me the chance to contribute, but that was too much. I began dreading my morning shift, and I never appreciated my days off, and worst of all, I began to take out my stress on my family. And so swiftly, after just one month, I handed in my letter or resignation and walked away. I know at this point, I'd let people down. Me, my family, my co-workers and the residents, but my socially awkward side took over at times and I really didn't pay attention to other people.

For the next year, I was unemployed - due to a number of reasons. I lived by claiming benefits, JSA to be precise. In that year, I had applied for hundreds upon hundreds of jobs, and only gotten 4 interviews, I was clearly doing something wrong. I attended courses, training days, conferences to try and gain employment, but nothing proved fruitful. After learning that my mum had to go into hospital for a major operation on her spine, I didn't care about much else other than her health and happiness. During her time in hospital, she contracted pneumonia and ended up staying in hospital for a little over a month, my dedication to employment was at an all time low after that.

As soon as my mother was discharged from hospital, I signed off of JSA knowing that I couldn't provide dedication to seeking employment and spent my time doing the things I loved. Reading, writing, painting and spending time with my mum. This simple existence carried on for about four months, and I loved it. In the last couple of months, we learned that my mum has had to go back into hospital for more major surgery on her neck, so that her pain and discomfort can be alleviated. That pretty much brings me bang up to date, to where I am now.

As it's rapidly...

[ Continued ]

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Thoughts by Kaleb28 on Sun Aug 14, 2022 1:11 am
I get anxiety because I don't like how the thoughts about men make me feel, they feel good in some way, but I don't want them to. But when I get the same sexual thoughts about women I feel happy. It...

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I found one person that is like me by Kaleb28 on Sat Aug 13, 2022 6:03 pm
I was on reddit the other day and I found a guy who is like me. He was 29 straight all his life and suddenly started to find men attractive in some way, and he lost his attraction to women(though it still...

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Relationships and work #27; Social change has began by OMNICELL on Sat Aug 13, 2022 4:13 pm
NOTE: I want to say; working with relationship expansion in this go around has been real intense deep work and brutal and real; this is now real work that is happening and results of some kind are showing...

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Fear by Kaleb28 on Sat Aug 13, 2022 9:26 am
One difference I've noticed between me and other ocd sufferers (If you could call it ocd) is that they get a thought in there head and then they fear that they are going to become that thought. In other...

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I wish I was more expressive by Chels91 on Sat Aug 13, 2022 2:26 am
I don’t show much emotion at all. Never really have. I do feel plenty of emotions though. Whether it’s anger or sadness, humor or excitement… I feel all of these things, but I don’t always show it. I d...

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Re: Boyfriendish’s self-set boundaries? by Snaga on Wed Aug 10, 2022 2:32 pm
Well, I think it's looking as if he's more afraid of pushing you away, than he is desirous to let his hands go places they might not be able to back away from once started.

Re: Boyfriendish’s self-set boundaries? by Chels91 on Wed Aug 10, 2022 2:01 am
I think, as a logical individual, I seek logical answers for things more often than I probably should.

Re: Boyfriendish’s self-set boundaries? by Snaga on Tue Aug 09, 2022 10:44 pm
perhaps it's best not to ask. I think you're onto something, he avoids things that just whet the appetite a little too much, perhaps.

Re: Relationship and work issues; #18 by Snaga on Sat Aug 06, 2022 5:33 pm
Hope that you're feeling better!

Re: Relationship and work issues; #18 by Snaga on Thu Aug 04, 2022 1:42 am
How are you feeling today?

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