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XxMariexX
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What can I do if my family is causing me pain?
   Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:54 am

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What can I do if my family is causing me pain?

Permanent Linkby XxMariexX on Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:54 am

I'm a teen and I have an Anxiety and Depression disorder, I'm not positive but I may also have mild OCD. I'm really new too this website and forums so sorry if I do this wrong :oops: . I have so much running through my mind right now that it's really hard to decide what to say, so sorry again if what I say doesn't make sense. My parents have always been the over-protective type, both of their childhoods sucked and apparently they were both bullied tons. Unlike them, I was never bullied at school or anything like that I quite liked it, but I hate it at home. My parents like to start a fight over basically everything, either if it's with me or with each other, but either way, it always ends up my fault. I have a younger sister too, she's currently the age of 10 and I'm pretty sure she stopped aging at 6. I mean she's always had it easy, and her attitude towards me has never changed. I was never allowed to watch TV other then Family channel or Disney until late Grade 6, but she started as soon as I did... Meaning she was only in grade 2. Meaning, my mum thinks that everything I can do or/have she can do or/have. Moving on, my mom always treats me like I am her when she was my age. She decided I was a Tom-boy, that I don't like "girly things" like clothes, make-up, dating, going to the mall, going to the spa or looking good. And she really had be convinced that I was that person for a while, but once I was a little older (around 10, but not the dating part tbh none of my friends have even dated before.) I noticed that all my friends liked those things now too. I was getting older, and I wanted to act more like my gender. That's normal isn't it? Well, after all my friends changed more "girly" then they were before, I thought I should too and not just because they were but because I felt like I wasn't being who I really was. But to be completely honest, I was scared to change. Strangers looked at me and saw the fun-crazy-weird kid, the one that didn't want to grow up. And apparently my parents thought that too, so when I did start looking at different clothing at the stores when me and my mom went shopping she would say things like; "Oh no, that's nothing like you." or "Don't you think thats a bit too fancy?". When really all I would be showing was casual clothes, clothes that my close friends wore. My anxiety would kick in and I would just shut-up, agreeing to whatever she bought me. What really confuses me about this is that she always complains about the terrible clothing her mom bought her when she was a kid/teenager, and I thought that would make her want to treat me better? But I'm a teen now and guess what, you will still only find pairs of jeans and leggings in my closet with basic tees and you will only find a pair of runners and a pair of gumboots on the shoe rack that belong too me. It's not fair that I'm not allowed to grow up, I'm not allowed to be a girl, that I have been stuck in the same hole for my whole life and it's only getting bigger. All my friends wear mascara, a bit of eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, and all that crap, but I can only wear concealer and a bit of foundation (whatever the difference is) to hide my acne. Note: My friends are good friends, my parents have no problems with them and I have known them my whole life. Even though I'm currently only talking about 2 of them, because technically the rest left me for some unknown reason. But I do have other friends, although they are all online :cry: . Onto another subject now, remember it may not seem like much so far but thats because it's all the little things that build up inside of me. My parents like to fight with me or each other ALL THE TIME, it's really bad. When its just the two of them fighting, and it's scaring my sister and I sometimes I interrupt them and ask, I quote; "Can you please stop fighting?". But then they turn towards me and scream at me about how they are not fighting only sharing opinions and then I tell them to stop again and then idek but they basically just tell me to go to my room if I was going to be this way. And then it's all my fault. But if they are arguing with me it's usually because I commented on how disgusting our house is or because I was being a "bully" to my sister. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. My sister and I have normal fights like all other siblings, and then eventually they are worked out and solved, but not when my parents are here to get involved. Because I may do something they think is rude but my sister may not think much of it, but then they make a hUGE fuss over it and eventually gets my sister fighting with me. It's horrible, the fights include screaming, crying, hurtful verbal language, sometimes it might even get a little physical, and they usually last for an hour or two but it puts everyone in a bad mood making the fights last throughout the next few days. For example my parents were out on a business trip for a few days and our grandmother came to our house to take care of us, and just so you know, we dread seeing her. She is very annoying and pushy, not sweet or caring like the stereotypical grandma. But surprisingly she didn't do anything when she was here, which isn't usual for her, she just sat down on the couch on her laptop or reading 24/7, we were basically invisible. My sister and I got in 0 fights when my parents were gone, we got along perfectly, which proves the fact that my parents indeed make things worse when they try to get involved. And to add on too that, as soon as they got back I ended up crying all night and having very dark thoughts. One thing that really bothers me about them is that they always tell me to go away or go to my room, but the hurtful thing is that it takes so much convincing to even get myself up in the mornings (not that I ever get up earlier then 11-2), I don't get the point of trying so hard to get me up if they are just going to send me back down. I also hate it when I get really depressed or upset and then they come in my room and see me like that, but then they don't try to comfort me or anything like that. I just want a caring mother and father for peed sake, like today my mom did that and she said "Can you give me back your book", and I was crying at the moment. Like seriously??? After that i didn't answer and she said "I don't understand why you are so upset" which IS STUPID because I have told them so many times how I feel about them and how I just want to be treated with more respect, but when I do they just get angry at me and say that its my fault and they just keep digging more holes. Next thing, I have had anxiety my whole life but it has gotten way worse this year. I mean, I had to leave my school for homeschool because I couldn't stand it when I had to do group presentations, had to read aloud, draw or do anything artsy and have to hand it in afterwards, have my work be checked by other classmates, or to even write where others could see me. And now I am quite isolated from people my age, and now I spend most of my time on my messenger app talking to my internet friends or face timing them. I feel so alone and I know thats my fault but I hate it, and I can't find words for my depression anymore. I have un-screwed the blade from my pencil sharpener and ran it along my skin, trying to relive the pain inside of me with another one outide of me, but I couldn't. I made scratches but nothing serious that could scar, I just cried more. Now my mom is saying I have to watch my weight, which was really surprising when she said that. My parents are both overweight but I have always been under, and I never knew why. Probably because my parents never cook real meals, they mostly just buy microwavable junk. But of course, thats my fault too because apparently I don't suggest anything and they don't know what I like. but what>??/????????? I'm their daughter they should know what I like, I basically like everything but steak, lamb, and potatoes. Everything else I am totally fine with :wink: But my mom started to call me anorexic when I was 10 but seemed to stop when I was around 13, I don't know why she did because I wasn't. But this year I probably am, I refuse to eat any of their junk and I usually only have 1 meal a day, and sometimes all that meal is is a smoothie. Something else is that recently my mom called me OCD. Why? Because the shake and bake chicken my mom made was mixing with the rice ( the chicken had the weird crumbly batter on the outside) don't tell me you never heard of anyone not liking their food to mix? I mean, I've never liked it when that happens, and neither does some of my friends. But then I started to think about it, I felt like I was going mad, and kept replaying things in my mind that could be signs of OCD. Like how the cat toys on my floor have to be in certain spots when I come in/ and before I leave and if anyone else is too enter, and that I can't be in my room and I feel sick if my bed isn't made or if my bed skirt is falling off. But then the next day I felt sooooooooooo crazy, I was watching a movie upstairs but then I got a panic attack because I could feel all the dog hair that I was sitting on on the couch and how everything I touched was covered in hair. I started to rip out my hair, and @!@@@! off the movie, jumping back down to my room trying not too touch the gross floor. And it's true, my house is disgusting. And whenever I mention it to my parents they say something like "Well then maybe you should pitch in!", but I do pitch it! But why should I do it more if they don't do it, they will only do it at the last minute before we get company. Today I went to the kitchen and there were fruit flies everywhere! I felt like I was being attacked and texted my mom at work that, but she just told me I could clean the kitchen, and that how was she able to clean the house if she was at work all the time? But then I told her; "I don't know mom, but all the people I know have nice and really clean houses and they all work way more then you do!" She never responded. :? But I guess I should probably sum this up now, and finish this "blog entry". I really want to learn how to live life how I want to live it, and not let anyone get in the way of it, but my anxiety makes this really hard. I want to be able to change without anyone trying to make me stay the same, I want to fall in love, I want to be a teenage girl. I want to have a fresh start and I want my parents to LISTEN to me and UNDERSTAND me. I want to feel loved and not alone, I want to feel important. I don't want to spend every night crying and staying up 'till 4 in the morning and then waking up at 3 with people just wanting to send me back to bed. I don't want to feel all this pain, it hurts so much that I wish to just fall asleep and never wake up. What do I do? :cry: :oops: :?:
Last edited by lilyfairy on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Small edit- PM to follow

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