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Relationship and work issues;#68; Working through the past by OMNICELL on Sun Nov 06, 2022 1:38 am
Im at this point of understanding.
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This blogs and all others will be about my first love; getting through this; letting her go... And that means moving on into an independent life.
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Ill explain.
With first getting hit with trauma when young and then overloaded with violations from others; My mind left me and with it most access to any memories; amnesia; In this case; dissociative amnesia; This means; I remember my name; my mothers name fathers name city I was born in and such; but not really suppose to get into anything else... everything else was blocked. Think of a fire wall in windows. Sure; one knows what Windows is for the computer; but Im not allowed to go in there.. Antivirus software and firewall software; defender software; keeping everything out. And thats what its like to have amnesia... So; no way to deal with anything of the past; the only thing I could so was seek relief. Thats all its been.
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Now that Im a bit stronger; Im wanting to face some aspects of the past and move beyond them; move through them. The universe God has allowed me and show'n me that past and Id like to move beyond it; grieve whats left and move into my new life. And it might be possible.
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Im about 17% left of dealing with my first love. Meaning; thats how much dishonesty I have left concerning it; delusion; dissociation; fantasy from the truth.
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The universe has unfolded much truth to me about the past; About my first love. About how I was viewing her and acting and my behavior and who she appears to really be.
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This was not a very good person or a very nice person. And I was dealt with harshly. I did not expect that to happen. I was ripped out of my associated spot with her. I was murdered.. my soul was raped... murdered. THe child within me; my inner child; THis is the spirit part of me hooked to God; Murdered! Thus; God put me into another compartment deeper where this monster could not get at; and protected me... This girl was a monster and a murder'r and nothing more.
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Note; Its been a few hours since sitting at this blog to write it; I would say that when I first met this person; it was so subtle; the problems; they were almost so unassuming and quiet one could not see them or feel them or hear them... However, I did feel and see something; but what I thought I saw was a carbon copy of myself. I thought I was looking at my soulmate; except one thing; at a very subtle level; she seemed to have no concious.. something wasn't right... I mean; it was like walking into a clear area of numbness.... like a chemical one could not see but sense..
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Not wanting to remember this person;
And its my job to keep that view up until I believe so solidly and strongly that I have no reason to ever remember this person ever again.
THe only thing I remember about her is the lies I told myself about her. God has helped me; helped reveal details showing that this person faked it; faked everything; every look; every wink of the eye brow; every move; everything was choreographed as if she had rehearsed for a play. What was her reward; THe thrill of it. The thrill of leading someone to a cliff to have them suddenly stumble and fall that she could watch them fall in panic and insecurity to their death... And thus; she could cover up the murder and claim she had never known about it; laughing the whole way. And she led me on and did just that; Why? because she was evil; a murderer; and nothing more. And Im slowly dealing with this and accepting this. However, what I need to respect about this story is; I needed to run; run the other direction as fast as possible.!
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Am I the first person she had done this with; Set up to destory; I doubt it; I assume she had been doing this all her life? Probably not; and Im sure; Im not the last; Just like the sociopathic serial rapist; They are the most down to earth normal looking and acting charming people on the...

[ Continued ]

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Manifesting new things by OMNICELL on Tue Mar 26, 2024 4:43 am
Women;
Dating women…
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Talking to women…
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That is the problem…
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I look back at women I liked when young and I wanted to talk to but I couldn’t. No connection ever really happened. No one ...

[ Continued ]

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The new road... by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2024 7:26 am
Work and relationships;
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So; Ive started working on music with the idea of accomplishing songs… Im thinking; Im so dissociated I never stuck to doing anything or finishing anything or creating anything I...

[ Continued ]

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Expectations and life on lifes terms by OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2024 5:30 am
Expectations
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Well; Things are changing; Im getting more inline with what I want.
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Music;
I cant hear a thing. I listen to a song and I cant hear a thing; I have idea what the chords are.. ...

[ Continued ]

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learning how to work at things in reality by OMNICELL on Fri Mar 22, 2024 4:44 am
How to move forward…?
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Pray; am I suppose to move forward God…
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What does this mean.
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I saw a picture of a guy from the 1940’s. He was a guitarist. He had 2 fingers; I don’t know th...

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Finally feel like Im moving on from the past by OMNICELL on Thu Mar 21, 2024 4:00 am
The next big situation; The next big answer;
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The Past; those from the past; relationships;
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THE ANSWER: I WAS MANIPULATING>
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Its all very sad…
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As I remember; working with God to i...

[ Continued ]

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Feed Recent Comments
Re: Made a decision by NewSunRising on Wed Jun 14, 2023 12:14 pm
but not alone ... We are here for you if ever you need us . Hugs & love .

Re: Being gracious by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
I agree

Re: Been a while by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
Aww...Thanks snaga

Re: Being gracious by Snaga on Sun Jun 04, 2023 10:30 pm
I think sometimes, that things like that are more for our benefit, than for the one it's aimed at.

Re: Been a while by Snaga on Sun Jun 04, 2023 10:29 pm
Huh. I listen to a classic country station on my commute and was listening to a nice old Tanya song other morning. And I always wish you good fortune!

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