That girl is laughing. Is she laughing at me? Yes, for sure she is. Why? I've done nothing weird. She's realized I'm just weird? Will them all start laughing at me? Perhaps they'll eventually plan some attack against me? Better not wait for it to happen, let's get the ###$ out of here. *changes direction and ends up walking 20 more minutes than he should to avoid a group of people*.

This is annoying, there's no reason for me to believe I've dragged others' attention, and I know generally people doesn't randomly beat up others just because they look weird. Rationally I realize I'm invisible - so to speak - to others, yet when these thoughts assault me I seem to be strongly convinced it's not like that.

Shall I hear somebody laughing - he's laughing at me. Someone looks me - he knows I'm weird. At times I even defend non-existing attacks from random passengers on the streets, who see me turning back for no reason and zig-zagging at times. It disturbs me because it isn't rational, moreover, I can rationalize it isn't happening. Yet, at times, it seems to nulify my rational capability and replace it with incoherent thoughts (maybe this is what normal people feel when they get angry? You definitely can't be rational with angry people, it seems to me they just give up their rational being).

I'm also really skeptical and suspicious of everyone's intentions. If I can find the slightest contradiction on one's speech, that means everything said was a lie to get advantadge of me in any way, and won't think otherwise until proven wrong, people is evil by default to me. Even if I don't find any contradiction, and can't think of anything he wants to get of me, I'll still be alert. Moreover, I lack the capability to trust people: information you give, information they'll use against you. Only when you're anonymous you can seek for others' opinion without exposing yourself.

During the last 6 months I've learnt a lot about myself, about my condition and about my limitations. I'm starting to understand who I'm and which goals I can and can not aim for. It's time to stop behaving how I am supposed to - how others expect me to - and take a totally new direction, no longer will be living others' life.

As the messy, unorganized person I've always been I believe setting a schedule is the best way to start moving on, as well as regularly writing about my thoughts/feelings, so I can keep a track on how I'm evolving and whether I should make changes or not. I'm not content with who I am right now, and things won't magically change, so let's get started:

1) My writing skills need to improve, A LOT.

-I'll start reading at least one hour per day, there are some books I've always wanted to read but simply didn't, due to lack of motivation, "being busy" and a couple more reasons I could come up with (which at times I believe are just excuses I tell myself; perhaps I'm just a lazy bastard), so I'll just start by those, the first one being El Lobo Estepario (Steppenwolf).

-I'll be blogging at least once a week, both in Spanish and English. I'll use this forum for the english blogs, as it seems a peaceful place to do so (I can't keep this in my computer, and maybe deep inside I want someone to read it so I can motivate myself not to fail, as I'm sure given enough time I'll try to go back into my wall-staring routine). I'll write everything in the way I feel it.

2) My degree has to be taken more seriously.

-I've never studied what I ought to. So far it was ok, because I could gather enough motivation to study 2 weeks before the exams and pass, but this time I didn't and thus I am going to fail on January which will bring me not few problems with my parents. At the moment I'm half way done on my Computer Science degree (2 years out of 4), so I'll be finishing this by February 2014. Once the lessons start I'll be regularly doing homework and studying - this is too ambiguous for you, don't cheat and just do it; gotta fix how many hours exactly once it starts -, getting to college five minutes before lessons start and missing absolutely none of them. I'm still 20 so I keep telling myself the situation isn't bad, specially considering the money I've done so far, just keep pushing; you know it isn't hard for you.

3) Stop faking interest on people, stop behaving like them.

-I know I enjoy being alone, but I was always made believe that I simply was shy and that I needed to grow up, and that once that happened I'd eventually enjoy being with people, well, now you totally know it isn't true. All the anxiety, all the negative feelings and the uneasy situations, stop it. Stop faking a smile when someone talks to you, stop being extremely polite with everyone; stop being another person. Go on your own, don't start conversations, don't even say hello to people, don't be ashamed of yourself, you're who you're and this is how you're going to behave from now on, although there's still a lot to learn about yourself, after all you're a completely different person today than you were one year ago - in terms of selfknowledge -, and that will continue to happen now that you're ready to be yourself.

Those are, right now, the most important points. That's what my life has to spin around during the next year. Forget everything you were, that was not you. Ignore your memories, they belong to another person. A new road begins. Never in your life you were so sure this was needed; not only needed, but wanted.

Plan for the next week:
-Even if you're about to fail on January exams, there are two lectures you may pass if you study like you've never studied before during the following weeks; so just start by doing that. It doesn't matter if you pass them or not, the following two weeks will be a training for your will-power, which after all will be the deciding factor on you succeeding or not in your plan for this year....

[ Continued ]

Some context: 20y old, from Spain, currently studying Computer Science. Long story short, have always been the "classic loner" so to speak although I always believed - rather was made to believe - that I just was shy, and that I needed to grow up in order to fulfill others' expectations and behave like everyone else. The more I was surrounded by people, the more anxiety I suffered, being small talk the thing I dreaded the most. In addition I wasn't interested neither in making friends nor getting a girlfriend, so socializing always seemed pretty pointless to me, and thus avoided it every time I could.

However this semester things totally messed up, due to the following reasons:

1) We changed our classrooms to ones which were half size, this may sound stupid but now I had to sit down with people in my both sides, that lone fact made my anxiety levels increase quite a bit.

2) There was a lesson which had to be done in groups of 4. Until now I avoided group projects, usually they were only something like 20% of the mark, so I could just give that up and pass by getting a good mark on the remaining 80%. This time however there was no option in doing so as the whole lesson was about working in groups.

In the very moment I heard the teacher stating how the lecture would work, I started sweating and innerly screamed to myself why on earth I picked that degree, but there was no way out. Groups were done by him which is something I appreciated, and we - them - introduced ourselves. The other 3 started talking as if they knew each other for a long time, while I just stared at the scenario, checking the time every ten minutes - seemed like hours to me.

My anxiety levels progressively increased, I was going to the bathroom twice a day and a cyst appeared in my ear (at first I didn't relate it to stress, but doctors said it was the reason). I dreaded going to college and started to skip some lessons, which were replaced by long walks. Moreover I started to loss any kind of motivation I ever had towards my degree, constantly asking myself why were I studying when I was neither interested on the subject nor would need big amouts of money in the future. I'm as unambitious as it can get and would be content living with just a computer, internet, and a bed.

From that point on, I faced - and still face - an existential crisis every day, didn't find any reason to do anything at all and spent the whole day diving in my head, at times I tried to study because, well, that's what I'm supposed to do, but couldn't focus. Apathy stroke hard and I no longer even cared about dying or living, life felt more meaningless than it usually did, and too heavy to carry on my back; I'm not suicidal but at this point I fully understand people who is.

Right now I can't do anything that demands more than 30 min. attention, I can't gather even the slightest motivation to study and I'm facing final exams in two weeks, I no longer fear the consequences of failing and that's a problem because with every single stone in the path I just feel like quitting, and can't convince myself to step back and continue studying.