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Unicornsparkles642
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   Thu Oct 03, 2019 2:22 pm

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Permanent Linkby Unicornsparkles642 on Thu Oct 03, 2019 2:22 pm

It's been such a long time since I was on this forum that I forgot I had an account.I'm back because I am going through ANOTHER break up.
I still don't know who the ashhorl was- me or him. Maybe both of us. I do know he was the hardest drinking alcoholic I have ever met but also one of the funniest men, albeit annoying at times, I've met. His yin was so far flung that his yang was also pretty far out there. He taught me a lot: about being very calm and gentle.with my tone of voice with my kids as well as being more consistently tactful. I learned how to set up strong boundaries because of him. I had to have them to keep my head sane when I was with him and to keep frombeing used by him.
I still don't know if he was using me or not. It felt like he was so I went with my gut. He is definitely an avoidant partner that settles in nicely with my anxious avoidant attachment style. I'm reeling and reaching out to him only because he's absent. If I had him, I'd hate him.

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The ex from Texas

Permanent Linkby Unicornsparkles642 on Tue Apr 25, 2017 4:03 am

So it's kind of funny but most of my ex's do live in Texas a lot like the song says. He was a very big narcissist which is funny because that seems to be what I've pretty much stated and wanted in my life without ever realizing the pattern until until as of late.
Recently I started texting and calling one of them. I'd like to say it's love but in all honesty it's not because I don't really love people even though I want to.
Anyway, he wanted to me to come visit him for the two daysides off for my birthday. It would be a 10 hour drive down and 10 hours back. I would be completely exhausted if I went. I declined and so he is giving me the silent treatment now. Did I mention that he's 50? ( a gorgeous fifty)

Anyway, I'm proud that I set the boundary but part of me still wants to go and I still want to talk to him. I feel that me setting a healthy boundary is good though. If he wants me for more than sex, he will calm down and talk to me again.

I am just now sort of becoming more aware, or eather, more concerned with others emotions and inner dialogues. I am just now realizing how he operates and being more sensitive to his actual feelings instead of only caring g about them when it served me. And we've, or at least I've felt more connected to him. I don't know..he's a Marc and an older one and it worries me that he is too deeply ingrained in his ways.
All the same, I am looking forward to big more positive because negativity and positivity cannot thrive at the same time. Trying hard to move forward and have patience and a more relaxed attitude with others instead of getting eaten up inside about every little slight. God help me!

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The ex

Permanent Linkby Unicornsparkles642 on Fri Apr 21, 2017 6:27 pm

I broke up with the guy I was dating about 2 weeks ago. He slowly started to gross me out as he would "fake cry" to lure me in for empathy. I saw right through his #######4. He love bombed me the whole time because I would never fall for his act. I got on POF this morning to check out my account for $#%^ and giggles for the first time in a very long time (not lying, i think i checked it once in 7 or 8 months)and he has the gall to call me out. On PoF...because he has one too and he's on there all the time evidently. And at 6am. It's laughable. He lied and said that he started it after we broke up which I know is not true. I know he's had it for a long time. He doesn't get the hypocrisy there and wanted to attack me and turn it around on me. His excuse: I got a POF account when you broke up with me. Yet, two weeks after we break up and I login to it, he's all over me for it. How dare I do what he did first?

I always felt very often anxious when we were together because I knew he was lying. Maybe a liar is gullible (me) but maybe a liar also can smell another liar and know something's up deep down. Intuition. Wolf senses, lol. He's still trying to call me and text me but I went cold and blocked him. I feel a great sense of freedom every time that I'm not around him and breaking up feels really good. (Maybe because of how overwhelming i find real intimacy but in this case its because he is a creep) pretty sure that I attract other narcissists; something about the having a magnetic pull towards each other.
It's often covert ones at play that attract and understand each other at first and they might be too...they're often overt as well. But we do attract each other due to the initial high we give each other and the projecting we do on the other person.
I feel powerful this morning from the dramatic high and energetic even though I only slept 5 hours. I hate being a narcissist and honestly, the excitement, aggression and ability to reject someone for a real reason gets me off. ###$ living like this.
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Apr 22, 2017 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

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Narcissistic and BPD

Permanent Linkby Unicornsparkles642 on Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:34 am

I just keep feeling crazier and crazier. I am trying so hard to cope with my narcissism and NPD. The more I fight to "be normal" the more I feel like part of me us dying and I am deeply unhappy. When I let my narcissism rear it's head and let my mouth fly, I am happy in all my bravado. I feel like I am murdering myself internally lately. So hateful of my dysfunction and so aware of them. I want to go nuts and start dating and having sex with so many people but I stop myself for the sake of my two young kids. But the loss of the pursuit is killing me in the loss of excitement. Life is getting so boring without taking risks and living on the edge. I want to explode.

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