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- December 2016
Not getting any better
   Tue Dec 13, 2016 10:50 am

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Not getting any better

Permanent Linkby UKGeordieLass on Tue Dec 13, 2016 10:50 am

I left my husband just over a year ago now. At first, my life improved. I got into a routine, lost weight, ate healthily, dated, felt good about myself. It wasn't perfect, I still had occasional meltdowns, but in hindsight, it was an improvement on my current state.

Currently I've had months of erratic living: 2 morning after pills, an abortion, flitting between two houses, living out of a backpack, more relationship breakups than I care to imagine, stepfamily problems,accelerated alcohol abuse, comfort eating, weight gain, you name it. Consequently my self-esteem has plummeted. I've given up going to the gym - which has probably been the anchor in my life - it gave me confidence, it gave me social contact, it kept me mentally and physically healthy and it nourished my routine. I've given it up because I feel fat (irony!) but also because my erratic lifestyle means:

1. I've been miles away from it most of the time and I don't drive so can't get there.
2. I've been unable to book classes as I've never known where I'll be from one day to the next.

My erratic lifestyle also means I've cancelled doctor appointments that I made in my best interests (to seek counselling, change medication).

This is a super low point in my life, and Christmas rubs salt in the gaping wounds. Christmas is a time to feel happy and secure, to feel loved. I feel none of these things. How can I pull my life together? I still don't know where my home is, so can't join any gym. And my relationship is all over the place so I feel scared and lonely a lot.

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Depression at the end of each cycle

Permanent Linkby UKGeordieLass on Mon Oct 24, 2016 12:12 pm

Currently I'm on cycle day 27 and depressed AF. I mean, sunken in my chair, weepy, ugly, mess. I'm trapped in a hormonal hell and only time can ######6 save me. I'm sitting here at my desk like a melodramatic queen, sobbing.

I feel:

- incompetent (at work, parenting, relationships, everything).
- ugly (bloated, fat, greasy, spotty, blotchy).
- lethargic/unmotivated.
- unloved/lonely/isolated.
- frustrated/helpless.
- weepy, anxious.
- urges to self-harm.

I know in a week I will be feeling on top of the world, but that doesn't help me break out of this hormonal prison. I ######6 hate myself. I can't trust myself to be around anyone. I am the worst side of myself right now. It's embarrassing, shameful and undignified.

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Fourth day NC with Russian.... or was it?

Permanent Linkby UKGeordieLass on Mon Oct 10, 2016 11:55 am

8am: Hold the freeeeeking press!!!!!!!! He sent me a message on whatsapp :shock: Let's take a gander at the exchange:

HIM: Hello
HIM: How are you?
ME: Keeping busy. How's things at home?
HIM: [photos of his mum]
ME: Enjoy the break.
HIM: What are you busy with?
ME: Everything. Even bossing the gym. YOLO (thumbs up emoji)
HIM: Cool. I am back on 19th
ME: Reply to my email?
HIM: Have you seen my email of yesterday?
ME: Nope. Haven't got one.
HIM: Hmm

What are my thoughts of this brief exchange? I'm thinking we shouldn't attempt, yet again, to be lovers/partners. We should aim for friendship and I should carry on using the dating site to find someone more suitable. That's my initial reaction. I won't lie, I'm thrilled that he's contacted me, but I think I'm strong enough to carry on with my own journey. Hmmmm. :? More thinking required.

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Third day NC with Russian

Permanent Linkby UKGeordieLass on Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:19 am

9am Woke up after a crappy night's sleep (see previous entry). Feel melancholy. Texted mum.

11.45 Have spent the past two hours researching ghosting, chatting to friends (including a female friend I bumped into last night who has the potential to be a good friend), and guzzling green tea. Not sure which of the aforementioned is responsible for this, but I feel a lot less melancholy.

12.00 Bummer. A bloke I have a wee crush on has just altered his relationship status on facebook to "in a relationship" with some blonde chick. Meh. (He was like, 10 years younger than me, but whatevs!) They look like a good match. #AmIBothered.

1.00pm Ex husband dropped the kids off and I've been playing Lego with them for an hour. I feel good, competent even...but... they have asked when they will be seeing [Russian's daughter] and were very dissapointed when told they wouldn't see her today. I've had to say that she's "on holiday in Russia". Poor kids. Told my ex husband that I'd split up with Russian and he was pissed.

1.30pm: My daughter just asked "Is she really in Russia?" (She's onto me!) Just had visions of phoning Russian. Must resist. Must stay distracted. Am starting to clean the house top to bottom.

2.30pm: Was going to make this a fast day but decided not to bother as I don't want to snap at the kids; so I've just had 300cals of Weight Watchers goodness. Still having thoughts of phoning Russian.

3.00pm My daughter just asked when she can see his daughter again. Oh darn. Fobbed her off.

4.00pm Took kiddos to the park. Met up with aforementioned female friend. Caught some pokemon. Nice time.

7.00pm Put kiddos to bed. Sat alone in my room missing Russian, wondering what he's upto in Russia, Wondering if he's thinking about me, realising that he's bloody not. Ordered ice cream, cheeseburger, chips, cheesecake and chocolate cake.

9.30 Watching crap on youtube in bed. Missssssssssss him.

12am: Lying awake, thinking of the baby we almost had but I aborted. Thinking about what could have been. Heart heavy.

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Crazy heart swings

Permanent Linkby UKGeordieLass on Sun Oct 09, 2016 9:03 am

Tough night last night. Lay awake thinking of Russian. He's flying back to Russia for 10 days now so he's not even in the country anymore. :(

I was thinking about our baby that I aborted. I was thinking of the sex. The intellectual conversations. The laughs.

He's ghosted me. I emailed him yesterday. And still nothing back.

Here's what I wrote:

"I know you're hurting. I know you're angry. You have every right to be. I've messed up. The drama of August has come back to bite us (major understatement). But I pray you realise that I did not make any of these mistakes to cause you pain. Despite what your ex suggests, I love [his daughter] and have tried my best to both bond with, and protect her. I wouldn't even let her see me after one alcoholic drink on Wednesday.

My actions back in August have hurt you, so of course I accept 'we' are over, but I can't stop thinking about your daughter and you, worrying about you both. I love you guys dearly and I pray others will see that the meltdowns of a "crazy ex girlfriend" (yes, I went there) [we used to watch that show together] doesn't make YOU a bad father. You are the best dad I know.

[Here I offer to do some legal-related stuff for him, but due to forum rules I cannot duvulge the exact deets; it's boring anyway]; I would like to do this, not as a way to get back into your heart, but as an attempt to limit any damage I may have caused to your future relationship with his daughter. If there is any way I can reduce the repercussions of my crazy past behaviour, I will bend over backwards to do so.

If you don't reply, I completely understand. There is no hard feelings on my part, absolutely nothing but shame and remorse.

Have a safe flight tomorrow, and be strong over the coming months. I trust that you will because you inspire me to be so."

I was going for 'dignified yet remorseful'. Anyhoo, he didn't reply, and I haven't heard from him for almost 3 days now (the longest NC we've ever had). My heart hurts.

In other news, :lol:

I went on a date last night (I was supposed to be going on two dates but Date #1 was so much fun, I ended up rescheduling Date #2). Dude was not my normal kinda man (bearly-existent blonde hair and no kids) but I felt comfortable with him and found him attractive. We shall deffo go for a second date this week :D Watch this space.
Last edited by Echinacea on Sun Oct 09, 2016 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited for Names

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