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Tululaboo
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Posts: 170
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2013 10:54 pm
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- December 2015
An update ::
   Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:58 pm

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An update ::

Permanent Linkby Tululaboo on Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:58 pm

It has been quite some time since I was both active on the forums or in my blog (not that its much of one) but giving the new year is around the corner and the sad news of a sub-forum closing to read only I thought it was time to make a new start on here and in the real world. Despite the news about the forum I will still be using this blog as an outlet so please read with caution.

The reason for my long inactivity was as my granddad was having a lengthy battle with kidney cancer which took his life not long ago, it was a very rapid downfall and hit everyone very hard and he sadly passed away just under 2 weeks ago and was buried 2 days ago so as you can imagine things are still raw not just with myself but family to.
--
As for myself things have been going up and down throughout the year and it has been rather hard to find some level ground amongst it all and much as before my mind is still my worst enemy constantly flooding my head and not being able to stop it. Silence is bad enough but uncontrolled thoughts are the absolute worst.

Despite all that I do actually feel like I am in a much stronger position to keep myself out of the majority of harm and speaking from where I was to how I feel now this is one of many bricks in my foundation to staying strong. I still have things that need to be worked our and sorted through but its at least one hell of start and its something I can for once say I'm proud of.

I still do view loli/toddlercon from time to time along with /r34/ to take the sting off so things are perhaps not as strong and I'm not as clean as I should be but all said and done its a step in the right direction. I know looking that stuff it is doing just as much harm as it is good but for now I'd rather use it as a safety net than have nothing but a dark abyss again. I crawled out from there before and I intend on staying out of it.

Even though there are very select few in my life that 'know' and I put it like that as at times I feel they don't quite fully understand to extent of things which I suppose is not their fault although one person does not understand how hard it is to talk to them about things, what I think, feel or thoughts I have. I know they wont want to hear it who does and I just cannot get past that.

My pedophilia is one on a list of things which plagues me and to be honest while I feel safer and stronger, actual support is not a lot, aside from things I have put in place like not watching television, movies and even limiting the music I listen to. Keeping myself busy with new projects, learning new languages and gaming there is not much else. It may be slow going but its all a start right.

I expect things to be pushed and pulled but hopefully by then I can take it.

Tulula ~

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My Activity ::

Permanent Linkby Tululaboo on Mon Oct 20, 2014 12:15 pm

Recently I have not been as active as I would like to be on here but this is due to me trying to move home, my grandad is terminally ill and it is him and his wife that took in my cousin when his mum committed suicide. They are both getting on in their age so I am looking to move closer to them so please do not think that I am no longer taking an interest in the brilliant supportive people I have met here.

I should be hoping to move asap so there is lots of organizing and packing to do so when somewhere does pop up that suites my needs I can go but I will frequently check my mail here if you wish to chat :) I will get back to you as soon as I am able.

Tulula.

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Another day in Hell ::

Permanent Linkby Tululaboo on Sat Sep 27, 2014 9:44 pm

Spent the day in the living room today with my dad, its not often I have days where I can go in there but I try to when I can, just to feel human for a few hours but I found myself screaming in my own head because the television was on and I don't watch tele for a very good specific reason and today was particularly bad as the shows that where on where criminal based shows most notable of which involved cases of sexual abuse both against adults and children.

Needless to say my head was soon flooded by any and things I have seen throughout my life and some things are incredibly brutal. My brain, why does it do this to me, I know Im bad, evil, sick and twisted but Im wanting everything to stop, doing everything I can to make things better but I feel as I move forward my brain just pulls me back to remind me of the monster I am.

If I could, I would trade my life so someone else can have a chance they never got, I have lost count of the amount of times that I wished and wanted to have never been born. I am trying my very best to get by and live along side this but when the smallest of things trigger a chain reaction of images and thoughts in my head I just feel there is no way out. I have taken as much as I can out of my lifestyle to minimize reactions like this but it just does not seem enough.

I know this is another bad day of mine and that tomorrow may be better, I just don't know.

TV, radio, magazines, photography, going out socializing, filtered modem, love life and movies are all gone from my life and I am in touch with Stop It Now group to help me but somehow triggers seem to be able to find me.

Rant over, Im in too much pain and to tired for today, I just need someone at the moment... anyone!

Tulula.

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Its just one of those days ::

Permanent Linkby Tululaboo on Thu Sep 25, 2014 9:23 am

I woke up today in a huge amount of pain and could barely move, I have been waking up in pain for a long time now but today is the worst it has ever been for me. Its usually on days like this that I turn to porn to make myself happier, it always works but today Im going to try and avoid it because I cannot keep avoiding my problems and issues.

I don't know how well I can do this but I guess we shall see, it is going to be hard for me because I have a strong connection to porn, its always been there throughout my life and has always been my escape from the world so today is going to be interesting but If I can get through today without it I know I am stronger for it and maybe I can become less dependent on it so I can deal with things properly instead of hiding from them.

Need all the luck in world but we shall see If I need it huh.

Tulula.

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Now ::

Permanent Linkby Tululaboo on Sun Sep 21, 2014 10:05 am

Im feeling pretty good today, it has been a very long since I felt like I had a good grasp on life and even if it only lasts for a few hours it is a good feeling. I still have a long way to go with myself and I am still having vivid fantasies and dreams, as much as I want them to slow down I at least know in my head nobody is getting hurt. Just wish I could think like that all the time.

I am expecting to have a low moment later in the day if my mind does not settle down, its pathetic Im expecting a low moment but usually it does follow after a good feeling. It could just be my conscious reminding me to become overly good with myself, I just don't know but what I do know is there are people here I can talk to if and more importantly when I need to.

I know as hard and as bad as I feel most of the time I know I am on the right path and I have made the right choices by being here. That I can always at least feel some good about myself.

Tulula.

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