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Word Vomit
Practice for writing down how I feel to my psychologist. Maybe I can put my point across more easily through text. Also just trying to lessen the pain, somehow.

The word "vomit" is used for a reason. A lot of ugly text about how my lovely mind tortures me on a near-constant basis. Stuff in here is probably gonna be triggering to some people, so if you're bored enough to read the ramblings of a mentally crippled hermit, just keep that in mind.
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Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:03 am

There's a lot of things I would like to do. Creative pursuits like drawing and writing, learning new things, reading, etc. But my depression is really nasty. The apathy that comes with it is crippling and even the things that I used to enjoy usually "bore" me after an hour or so. It's also apparent that I'm depressed since I spend a lot of time in my bed and my energy is really low.

Nanowrimo is coming. In november, you're supposed to put together a 50k word novel in a single month. I've been thinking about starting to write through that, but my apathy and my avoidance like to work together and they are giving me a hard time. Ideas that I get are easily dismissed and I can't really imagine doing something as complex and massive as writing an actual novel in such a short amount of time if I can barely convince myself to take a shower.

Therein lies the problem actually. I've been cogitating about the whole situation and during that exercise, I'm reminded of what my psychiatrist told me in my last appointment. She told me to find things to do that would be "useful" to me. What she meant is that I have to work towards self-improvement. Some would argue that learning about something new or pursuing creative talent is useful, but it's a question of perspective, of what kind of cards I have on the table. What would be useful for me wouldn't be things like that, it would be school work, hygiene, diet, exercise, that kind of thing.

I didn't touch any of my school work yet too. I've been dodging it because I simply do not have the energy or the motivation to do it. Therein lies my problem : how to work on self-improvement when you feel that you deserve a terrible fate or even death? Avoidants have horrible self-esteem and I'm a perfect example of this. To me, it just seems that all of my pervasive thought patterns and my avoidance are focused around fear and self-hatred.

How can someone work on themselves if they feel like they don't deserve it. The notion of self-esteem is a strange and alien one. I don't know if it's even possible or if it actually exists.

I'm left to wonder. Should I just nudge forward and see where I can go? Should I give up? ... I don't actually give up. I mean, I get suicidal thoughts all the time but I never tried to kill myself. The thought of taking care of myself scares me. A mixture of fears blocks me from doing it. Old and horrible thought patterns invoking fears of people's expectations, of situations I might be forced into.

It's funny in a way, I want to write and ironically, my thought patterns of fear are literally stories themselves. Stories of me being stuck in awkward situations or being stuck in a situation due to me moving forward. I do have a big imagination, not a good thing in this case.

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