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Word Vomit
Practice for writing down how I feel to my psychologist. Maybe I can put my point across more easily through text. Also just trying to lessen the pain, somehow.

The word "vomit" is used for a reason. A lot of ugly text about how my lovely mind tortures me on a near-constant basis. Stuff in here is probably gonna be triggering to some people, so if you're bored enough to read the ramblings of a mentally crippled hermit, just keep that in mind.
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Screwed up for the last time

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:45 pm

I managed to get the help of a psychologist at my clinic after a long wait. Due to how shoddy the healthcare system is in Quebec, you need to wait a looonnnnggggg time before getting specialized services. When it comes to emergencies and such, they are available of course but otherwise, you might need to wait months before being able to see someone. Of course there's the option of going to a private practice, but I certainly do not have the means to do so, being on disability.

Regardless of that though, I managed to see one. My first appointment was grueling, the usual interview kind of thing. My second one was supposed to be yesterday, but I missed it...because of my brother.

I hate taking the bus, it's a time consuming ordeal. It doesn't come by really frequently, it takes a lot of time for me to wait and take it and I have to cross streets if I do. One street in particular is dangerous, I almost got hit by an imbecile once when I was crossing it.

So I asked my brother to bring me there. I asked several times, reminded him. He told me it was okay and of course, I usually pay him for his effort (which is a bit rubbish, some people would say that he could do it because I'm his BROTHER). Actually, having said that, what happened isn't much of a surprise.

He slept through it.

No joke, he slept through it. I tried to wake him up too. He ######6 slept through it. My mother coming home early from work roused him from his slumber and he brought me to my second appointment, but missing the one with my psychologist was bad. The clinic has a lot of people waiting to see one, and the fact I missed an appointment puts a strike on my file. Two strikes and someone else gets to see my psychologist, I lose my place. I can understand why it's set up that way. I don't blame the system, I blame my brother, mostly, and also myself for placing so much trust in someone that obviously doesn't care.

I really don't know what to think of my brother. I don't know if he has some sort of issue or something. He knew that the appointments I have these days are extremely important. One look at me is enough to tell that I'm in despair mode. The simple fact I'm seeing more than one person and that I started medication should tip anyone off. Still, he was sleeping.

That and the fact that I keep giving him stuff with my disability and barely getting anything in return, no, struggling to get anything in return, makes me believe he's some sort of psychopath, like my ex. It's take, take, take and the moment I ask something in exchange, he conveniently forgets. It's not like I'm asking for a dozen things a day. Just a ride here and there so I can get the help I need to do more with my life than spend it in bed. Heck, even the ######6 pharmacist can tell I'm not doing well. For my brother to not give a damn...it's rather frightening. There's only two explanations to that...he either doesn't give a damn or refuses to think about it.

I've gotten back into world of warcraft because I wanted to play with him. Beyond that, the game doesn't interest me that much. With what happened though, I don't really see the point in playing if he's going to treat me like garbage. He's been doing so for a long time and my friends noticed how he tends to exploit me and my mother.

I need to make it stop at this point. If my brother can't respect me enough to help me when I need it the most, then I certainly can't trust him.

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