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Word Vomit
Practice for writing down how I feel to my psychologist. Maybe I can put my point across more easily through text. Also just trying to lessen the pain, somehow.

The word "vomit" is used for a reason. A lot of ugly text about how my lovely mind tortures me on a near-constant basis. Stuff in here is probably gonna be triggering to some people, so if you're bored enough to read the ramblings of a mentally crippled hermit, just keep that in mind.
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- March 2015
Lame dates I'll remember even if I shouldn't
   Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:07 am

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Lame dates I'll remember even if I shouldn't

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:07 am

Dates, dates...I'll remember those damn dates. My memory can be really good when it comes to certain things. Mostly useless or painful things though, so no luck on tests.

Today's the way I met her. March 2nd. I don't even know where to start. Her leaving me for someone that was more...accommodating...turned me inside out. I still carry the scars of that event and probably always will. My first "thing" with a girl, even if it was exclusively LDR. The feelings were real and all that.

It wasn't supposed to be. Her being a paraphile with hallucinations, bipolar disorder and many more things. Me, being an avoidant with all the lovely garbage it comes with. Different countries, etc. etc. Anyone would have told me that I was basically investing myself in something that was never gonna end well.

They were right, but I'm an avoidant and with my poor self-esteem and isolation/loneliness, I was just happy that someone seemed to want to do something with me. Maybe it was manipulation all along and she was never capable of love in a proper way...I can't even tell anymore. It's been 8 months she decided to clean break me out of her life, and it feels like it was yesterday.

Most people will tell me that she deserves to burn in hell, for her preferences and what she does to people like me. Logically speaking, those people aren't wrong. It doesn't change how I feel. I had feelings for her, and she abandoned me. I always felt abandoned, isolated, unloved.

I remember being a child and crying myself to sleep after my parents had their fun with me. I wanted attention but they always made it seem like it was forced. Early on, I felt rejected by my own parents and I felt isolated, alone. Crying myself to sleep, telling myself I was an accident, that I was unwanted, a nuisance, a pest.

Things seemed to be going well during that LDR. We did things together, I could share even the most foul of things with her and we could laugh at it. I could talk to her and we'd have meaningful exchanges. I don't even know if all of that wasn't just her messing around with me. After all, I was told that she could easily shift how she interacted with people...a psychopath maybe? Like I said, I can't tell and I probably never will be able to figure out the truth, I'm blinded by pain and my memory isn't good because of trauma.

So yeah, I don't know anymore. Her leaving suddenly. Reinforced my feelings of abandonment. So it's even worse. It basically just made me feel like I'm really worthless. Worthless, isolated, alone. Someone like her doesn't even want to be with me and give me the time of day anymore. Who else would bother? It's just a confirmation of everything that I feel is wrong with me.

That's probably why I can't "get over it".

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