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Word Vomit
Practice for writing down how I feel to my psychologist. Maybe I can put my point across more easily through text. Also just trying to lessen the pain, somehow.

The word "vomit" is used for a reason. A lot of ugly text about how my lovely mind tortures me on a near-constant basis. Stuff in here is probably gonna be triggering to some people, so if you're bored enough to read the ramblings of a mentally crippled hermit, just keep that in mind.
Thesilverdawn
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Lame dates I'll remember even if I shouldn't
   Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:07 am

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Lame dates I'll remember even if I shouldn't

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Mon Mar 02, 2015 7:07 am

Dates, dates...I'll remember those damn dates. My memory can be really good when it comes to certain things. Mostly useless or painful things though, so no luck on tests.

Today's the way I met her. March 2nd. I don't even know where to start. Her leaving me for someone that was more...accommodating...turned me inside out. I still carry the scars of that event and probably always will. My first "thing" with a girl, even if it was exclusively LDR. The feelings were real and all that.

It wasn't supposed to be. Her being a paraphile with hallucinations, bipolar disorder and many more things. Me, being an avoidant with all the lovely garbage it comes with. Different countries, etc. etc. Anyone would have told me that I was basically investing myself in something that was never gonna end well.

They were right, but I'm an avoidant and with my poor self-esteem and isolation/loneliness, I was just happy that someone seemed to want to do something with me. Maybe it was manipulation all along and she was never capable of love in a proper way...I can't even tell anymore. It's been 8 months she decided to clean break me out of her life, and it feels like it was yesterday.

Most people will tell me that she deserves to burn in hell, for her preferences and what she does to people like me. Logically speaking, those people aren't wrong. It doesn't change how I feel. I had feelings for her, and she abandoned me. I always felt abandoned, isolated, unloved.

I remember being a child and crying myself to sleep after my parents had their fun with me. I wanted attention but they always made it seem like it was forced. Early on, I felt rejected by my own parents and I felt isolated, alone. Crying myself to sleep, telling myself I was an accident, that I was unwanted, a nuisance, a pest.

Things seemed to be going well during that LDR. We did things together, I could share even the most foul of things with her and we could laugh at it. I could talk to her and we'd have meaningful exchanges. I don't even know if all of that wasn't just her messing around with me. After all, I was told that she could easily shift how she interacted with people...a psychopath maybe? Like I said, I can't tell and I probably never will be able to figure out the truth, I'm blinded by pain and my memory isn't good because of trauma.

So yeah, I don't know anymore. Her leaving suddenly. Reinforced my feelings of abandonment. So it's even worse. It basically just made me feel like I'm really worthless. Worthless, isolated, alone. Someone like her doesn't even want to be with me and give me the time of day anymore. Who else would bother? It's just a confirmation of everything that I feel is wrong with me.

That's probably why I can't "get over it".

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Screwed up for the last time

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:45 pm

I managed to get the help of a psychologist at my clinic after a long wait. Due to how shoddy the healthcare system is in Quebec, you need to wait a looonnnnggggg time before getting specialized services. When it comes to emergencies and such, they are available of course but otherwise, you might need to wait months before being able to see someone. Of course there's the option of going to a private practice, but I certainly do not have the means to do so, being on disability.

Regardless of that though, I managed to see one. My first appointment was grueling, the usual interview kind of thing. My second one was supposed to be yesterday, but I missed it...because of my brother.

I hate taking the bus, it's a time consuming ordeal. It doesn't come by really frequently, it takes a lot of time for me to wait and take it and I have to cross streets if I do. One street in particular is dangerous, I almost got hit by an imbecile once when I was crossing it.

So I asked my brother to bring me there. I asked several times, reminded him. He told me it was okay and of course, I usually pay him for his effort (which is a bit rubbish, some people would say that he could do it because I'm his BROTHER). Actually, having said that, what happened isn't much of a surprise.

He slept through it.

No joke, he slept through it. I tried to wake him up too. He ######6 slept through it. My mother coming home early from work roused him from his slumber and he brought me to my second appointment, but missing the one with my psychologist was bad. The clinic has a lot of people waiting to see one, and the fact I missed an appointment puts a strike on my file. Two strikes and someone else gets to see my psychologist, I lose my place. I can understand why it's set up that way. I don't blame the system, I blame my brother, mostly, and also myself for placing so much trust in someone that obviously doesn't care.

I really don't know what to think of my brother. I don't know if he has some sort of issue or something. He knew that the appointments I have these days are extremely important. One look at me is enough to tell that I'm in despair mode. The simple fact I'm seeing more than one person and that I started medication should tip anyone off. Still, he was sleeping.

That and the fact that I keep giving him stuff with my disability and barely getting anything in return, no, struggling to get anything in return, makes me believe he's some sort of psychopath, like my ex. It's take, take, take and the moment I ask something in exchange, he conveniently forgets. It's not like I'm asking for a dozen things a day. Just a ride here and there so I can get the help I need to do more with my life than spend it in bed. Heck, even the ######6 pharmacist can tell I'm not doing well. For my brother to not give a damn...it's rather frightening. There's only two explanations to that...he either doesn't give a damn or refuses to think about it.

I've gotten back into world of warcraft because I wanted to play with him. Beyond that, the game doesn't interest me that much. With what happened though, I don't really see the point in playing if he's going to treat me like garbage. He's been doing so for a long time and my friends noticed how he tends to exploit me and my mother.

I need to make it stop at this point. If my brother can't respect me enough to help me when I need it the most, then I certainly can't trust him.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Self-improvement?

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:03 am

There's a lot of things I would like to do. Creative pursuits like drawing and writing, learning new things, reading, etc. But my depression is really nasty. The apathy that comes with it is crippling and even the things that I used to enjoy usually "bore" me after an hour or so. It's also apparent that I'm depressed since I spend a lot of time in my bed and my energy is really low.

Nanowrimo is coming. In november, you're supposed to put together a 50k word novel in a single month. I've been thinking about starting to write through that, but my apathy and my avoidance like to work together and they are giving me a hard time. Ideas that I get are easily dismissed and I can't really imagine doing something as complex and massive as writing an actual novel in such a short amount of time if I can barely convince myself to take a shower.

Therein lies the problem actually. I've been cogitating about the whole situation and during that exercise, I'm reminded of what my psychiatrist told me in my last appointment. She told me to find things to do that would be "useful" to me. What she meant is that I have to work towards self-improvement. Some would argue that learning about something new or pursuing creative talent is useful, but it's a question of perspective, of what kind of cards I have on the table. What would be useful for me wouldn't be things like that, it would be school work, hygiene, diet, exercise, that kind of thing.

I didn't touch any of my school work yet too. I've been dodging it because I simply do not have the energy or the motivation to do it. Therein lies my problem : how to work on self-improvement when you feel that you deserve a terrible fate or even death? Avoidants have horrible self-esteem and I'm a perfect example of this. To me, it just seems that all of my pervasive thought patterns and my avoidance are focused around fear and self-hatred.

How can someone work on themselves if they feel like they don't deserve it. The notion of self-esteem is a strange and alien one. I don't know if it's even possible or if it actually exists.

I'm left to wonder. Should I just nudge forward and see where I can go? Should I give up? ... I don't actually give up. I mean, I get suicidal thoughts all the time but I never tried to kill myself. The thought of taking care of myself scares me. A mixture of fears blocks me from doing it. Old and horrible thought patterns invoking fears of people's expectations, of situations I might be forced into.

It's funny in a way, I want to write and ironically, my thought patterns of fear are literally stories themselves. Stories of me being stuck in awkward situations or being stuck in a situation due to me moving forward. I do have a big imagination, not a good thing in this case.

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Heartbreak, depression and self-loathing

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Fri Oct 03, 2014 5:21 am

Most people tell me that I'm better off without her. She would have hurt me badly if I got close to her. I can find someone better, that kind of thing.

Regardless though, my heart is still broken. Since it happened, I am just living through pain on a daily basis. I realize that I keep downplaying it, especially in front of my shrink, but I think she needs to know the truth at this point.

Avoidants, apparently, are prime prey for people with borderline or sociopathic tendencies. I think it's because of the horrendous level at which our self-esteem sits. We can't stomach being in the same room as ourselves, so any attention someone gives us feels like a miracle of sorts. Either that or the other person must be sacrificing a lot to stand being with someone like me. I said it before, I think there are serial killers and truly reprehensible and horrible human beings with more self-esteem than me.

I've learned at a very young age to hate myself. What I did was never good enough for anyone around me. I'm supposed to be a prodigy or sorts, a gifted person. People started having really high expectations of me as a result (which explains why I bottomed out and I'm no longer doing anything, I'm afraid people will get expectations again). No one was ever happy about what I managed to do, no matter how good I was at it. On top of that, I was emotionally abused on a nearly daily basis. Eventually, little me thought that he was a piece of s***, since everyone hated me and was never happy with me. I remember nights crying in my pillow in that horribly small room down in the basement, just hating myself and holding my teddy bear. That also explains why I like stuffed animals so much.

When my ex told me she had feelings for me, I was ecstatic of course. Didn't matter that she was paraphilic and was unstable though, I was just happy that someone liked me, when I hate myself so much. Bipolar, paraphilia, sociopathy, instability. Didn't matter to me. It was my first relationship too, even if it was a long distance one. Still means that I never touched a female before, hah. But she used me, I was a tampon for all of her insane thoughts, homicidal ones mostly. I was the one doing stuff, she was passive, it was part of her game. She read me and knew exactly how to manipulate me. She promised me she'd take care of things that me, being an avoidant, I am terrified of doing (basically living a normal life with a job, income, bills to pay, driving, etc.) She didn't have much of a personality and basically turned into someone really similar to me. Same speech and such...all signs of manipulation. I was oblivious of course, even though my gut was telling me it was going to end badly, I was too high on love. It's nice to be in love and just forget about how much fuc***** pain you're in every single day.

Most of my time is spent daydreaming. Maybe I can turn it into writing eventually. Hone that skill, maybe become one of those cliché writers that live in seclusion. I don't know what else to say. I'm at the end of the roll...it certainly feels that way. I'm too much of a coward and an avoidant to really go through suicide though. It's awful because it feels like no one takes me seriously because of that. Maybe I should just go through with trying to write or do whatever the hell I want, because...well.

What do I have to lose? Not much at this point.

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Pain of loneliness

Permanent Linkby Thesilverdawn on Tue Sep 16, 2014 8:05 am

It's 2 in the morning. I usually stay up late because it allows me to hang out with my brother and his friends. We laugh, joke around, play video games and usually have a good time. It results in me going to bed at 6 in the morning, but the benefit I gain from having some sort of company outweighs the inconvenience of sleeping during the day. It's not like I have anything to do anyway.

I'm hanging out with those people, I do have company. I still feel lonely. Loneliness has been a lifelong companion of mine. I was always lonely. When I was a child, my father was really abusive, but he was even more neglectful. He didn't want to be a father, he shouldn't have been one and he isn't capable of being one. He never took care of me when I was a kid; most of my time was spent alone. I had a condition called encopresis and he used it to neglect and abuse me even more. I don't have the condition anymore (disappeared after my father disappeared) but when it had it, it was partly physical but mostly psychological. I think I did it to try and draw attention. My father didn't bother seeking medical help for me, he thought I was being lazy or that I did it to provoke him. He used that, and many other things, to prevent me from doing anything in the house. He spent most of his time home playing with his gadgets that I didn't have the right to touch, since he kept grounding me. He basically set things up so that he didn't need to take care of me. My mother did what she could but she was also victim of my father's bullcrap.

Most of my life I spent alone. I had to use my imagination and daydreaming to get by and keep me company. I'm used to having conversations with myself and just talking to myself on my own. I have my own inner worlds that I can usually venture into the moment I lay down and focus on them. I have trouble with concentration though so it's hard at times, I hope it'll get better and I can get some more focus to imagine things. It's the only thing that I have left...for awhile, I thought I found someone but she just used me. I wasn't perfect but sociopaths usually manipulates and they leave when you don't give them what they want anymore.

I've always felt alone. It seems that I'll always feel alone and be alone. I tried to talk to others but it's a very difficult thing for me to do. Talking with other people like me, avoidants, might be difficult too. It feels really hopeless at this point. I know people, I can talk to them but it doesn't feel like anyone will understand how I feel and what I went through. I know a friend that's been trying to talk to me and make me feel better, but it still doesn't feel like she really understands me. She has a good support system and doesn't need to worry about things like money. I found someone else though that seems to understand, but she's really busy and I can't speak to her really often. The person I was with I could speak to all the time.

I honestly miss that, a lot. I'm a codependent person, on top of everything else. I'm also suspecting that I've had maladaptive daydreaming all this time. That doesn't bother me though, it kept me alive. I believe it'll keep me alive and even give me some company, since I don't think anyone will want to be with me more than once in awhile. Which is fine...people have things to do. I don't really need to do anything. For some people, it would probably be a dream.

For me, though, it's just a reminder than I'm alone.

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