Psychology and Mental Health Forum


https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Starboy14/index_sid-d7470624c11c89a1ff0ee780674af28b.html

Author:  Starboy14 [ Mon Mar 05, 2018 3:35 pm ]
Blog Subject:  MEDITATION TRIGGERED FORGOTTEN CHILDHOOD DEED

Hi everyone. This is my first post on this forum.
I am a male in his 20's and have been interested in spiritual practices lately. Thus have been into the meditation sessions too. Last year, right before the Easter of 2017. while meditating I came across a vision of me helping orphan kids. I don't know why.

But what is interesting and what has been causing me some mental disscomfort is the fact that seconds after that, to me came what I later have deffined as a "lost memory" of myself as a child doing some wrongful deeds.

These memories have since than caused a lot of pain and anxiety in everyday life. Now it is much better because in the clarity of my mind I know that I am a really nice person who overreacts everything, can forgive everyone, but not myself, for every small thing I do or have done.

So what I am about to tell you is the most bad thing that I have done in my life.
I got into watching porn way early. Hidding from my parents I would watch it since the age of 11. But where the problem lays is the fact that at the age of 11-12 I have dry humped with my female cousin who was at the time 6-7 years old, while playing in a pool with my sister, and other cousins. We were all fully clothed, and it lasted for like 10 seconds, happened once only. Nobody, even her didn't notice it, neither was I planning to do. I think that while I was holding her, she accidently has rubbed against my private area, which has automatically triggered a pleasurable feeling. At that moment I knew that it felt good but wasn't right, so I moved from her afterwards, and have continued with the play normally, and have forgotten about it.

Other incident has happened at the age of 13, where I was playing again with that same cousin, and while playing tickling game, I have tickled her in her private area (fully clothed both). It lasted a second, was over her clothes, and she smiled and said: no here hahahahah, it tickles. As she said that, I felt immediately ashamed and said: sorry I won't do it ever. And so it stayed. We continued with the play normally.

My cousin is now in her teens, and we have a great relationship, even if I try to talk to her, she would not know what am I talking about. Because it ever only happened twice during childhood, was never planned, was never beneath her or mine clothes, lasted short. Like 10-15 sec first situation, and 1-5 sec last one.

My life is going great, I have never had a desire in kids, never watched kids porn. Have had two relationships with girls. And still am in a healthy relationship with my college girl. Really, I am living a life dream, but this is still something that comes now and there. It would never come if there was not that session of meditation. I am now grateful that it did. I think that since than I have learned soooo much more about the humans, psychology and spiritual practices too. Although I have been through hell of a remorse to the point where I have not had a desire in sex anymore.

What are your thoughts about it? Have you done something like that?

Thank you for your time!

Cheers to all you beautiful souls,
Starboy14

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