A few days ago I managed to go outside and there was a bird that was flapping it's wings but something was a bit repulsive how it moved. It looked abit broken. I had things to do that day and as I was walking past I stopped to watch it for a few seconds. It crossed my mind to step on it. I didn't as I didn't want to get my shoes dirty and went inside to finish my work. As I was coming back out, I walked over to step on it on the way out to my car and it was gone. Maybe it flew away. Maybe a cat got it. I am confused because I know I should have left it alone but why do I still go back to check it. I want to love and in my head, I thought that was the right thing to do. If it's broken, destroy it.

It reminded me of a time when I used to work for a mustering contractor. Sometimes in the chaos the cows would get injured. One time a little grey weiner broke it's leg and was limping around. When cows get hurt too bad, they stop being scared and fight back. It wouldn't go in the yard and would charge anyone that came near it, hopping around on three legs. It's broken leg was dangling around. For some reason I thought it was funny watching it bounce along on three legs chasing M trying to heatbutt him. M was trying hard to get behind it and drag it by the tail into the yard but it was just too hard. It was quicker to just kill it. We didn't have anything on us so the boss told M to kill it with a rock. M didn't want to. The rock was too small. During the hesitation, we lost the line and some cows escaped and were about to get away. I was the quickest of the boys so the boss had me go round up the escapees while he got the rock and started to bash the weiners head. I looked over and I could see M with his head down wiping his eyes and the boss smashing the rock up and down. It took forever. The boss was not happy at all. A rock is not very effective. We ate beef every evening for dinner. They're food. They're cute and look funny when they hop around on three legs but they are also food.

I don't know why I am writing about this. I want to feel what M felt that day. I know that it wasn't useful and created more work for everyone, but I wonder if what M felt that day is what I need if I one day can be a complete person. I accidentally discovered this forum while looking up something related. I didn't expect that my views on the world and on myself would change just from bumming around reading posts by other people. I didn't suspect that I would read posts from people who would give a voice to those lives I affected but didn't stop to think how it affected them.

I used to pick on other kids with autism. One girl who used to skip around with a blanket used to do these funny motions with her hands. I twisted them once. I read some beautiful poems written by aspies and it made me really think. These people are beautiful. I am confused. I think there is something changing in me. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard.

I went outside. It had rained last few days. There was a little leech stuck on my ankle. It was black with a stripe of orange down it's side. It was stretching along like a slinky along my skin. I felt an urge to smush it between my fingers. I recognized that sometimes I am a blood sucking parasite as well. I watched it move around trying to find the appropriate response. It was to pluck it off and throw it back in the bush. So I did.