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- July 2020
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   Mon Jul 20, 2020 7:57 am

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why change is so slow and if i do, i go backwards

Permanent Linkby Squaredonutwheels on Mon Oct 22, 2018 2:49 pm

on the one hand
i want to change or do something about this
build a life
bond with people
ball and chain

but i dont seem to be going in that direction very fast.
why is that

on the other hand
deeper inside all the way at the core
i just
im actually quite happy with what i am
pretty content to be a loser
a happy loser with less doing less
just existing
i think
nothing has interested me enough
to really keep it forever
no one and nothing
the real obvious but strange thing is
even if i did get locked up for life
in some tiny cell and never come out
il actually be okay
if i get thrown out by society
and live in a mountain
sit on a rock all day
il be okay with it
il eat the bugs on the floor
and just sit there
just me
hello there!

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need time

Permanent Linkby Squaredonutwheels on Sun Oct 21, 2018 2:27 pm

just another player
nothing to see here
thought he was interesting
maybe he was different
but hes just another tool
just the same as all the rest
what a let down
why am i surprised
just another player
another coward that spreads his focus
a boy, not a man
just another child with a wandering eye
no worse, worse than a man, worse than a child,
he is nothing
nothing at all
a void
a hungry void of nothing
less than real, even less than fake
how could i not see that
i want to be defined by one
his and his alone
we touch, we love, we laugh, we exist
we set the boundaries of the real
he is mine and mine alone just mine MINE
i am love i am brilliant i want to be the sole focus
not shared like a toy
not blurred, not a smear
I am too ######6 unique to be shared
too important to be scattered
not passed by like im nothing
im better than that
i hate myself
loathe everything about me right now
but im still better than that
i may be shattered, broken dysfunction
yet i am change i will make it
i melt the shards and recombine
I have blood
i have a heart made of flesh
it hurts
but it beats
it pounds
f*ck you
im no fool for you
its not for you

cloaked in doubt but nose still high
she retreats
back inside
she goes quiet
she shields her presence from him
she re entombs her fire in ice
no one deserves her
she is gone
it's not time yet
the failure is a signal that it's not time
he watches from afar,

i pray that she find her fool soon
the one that can never abandon her
the one that will always be there for her
he may be ugly, he may be foul, he maybe the devil, the void
but that ugly ######6 frog
is the prince that will make her whole
because it's you
and then
maybe then
just maybe if
it seems so far
i know she'll make it but
what about me
will I make it
do i have what it takes to be the fool
i try but fail and fail again
how can i do this
break these patterns
i must break these patterns
i can change, i will be new
i am i will i must
its a race against time
I need to complete me
change, demand it be it
live up to my words
oh im such a pathetic weakling
but in choice i find strength
i must make it i will i will
even if i go mad
even if i die
i choose
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Oct 22, 2018 4:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

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I am a hollow corpse. She uses me as a doormat

Permanent Linkby Squaredonutwheels on Fri Oct 19, 2018 11:41 pm

I always thought of myself as a bit of a tough guy. I don't back down from a fight. I don't care if they come at me with sharped bits of steel, I stand my ground. I take what I want. I am not afraid of pain or suffering, I go out into the wild to get whatever. I thought myself strong.

How wrong could I be. I am the slave. I am weak. Lethargic, a hollow corpse. I lay at her feet and do as she commands. I don't question her. I give her what she wants and don't stand up for my own values if I even have any. Her desires are my values. She animates my corpse into action. Her hedonism my crown. Her bloodlust my purpose for being.

She wants experiences. I give them to her. New novel experiences I provide with my sweat and work. She wants drugs. The best. I go out and get the best. I get attacked, I fight, I crush my opposition. I do what I have to do to get her what she desires. I wear my scars with pride as trophies for the suffering I have demonstrated for her. She wants blood. Someone has wronged her, a simple slight and I taste blood for her. I present to her and she looks at my hands covered in blood and $#%^. It's not enough. She wants more. She wants sex. The most depraved, insatiable I comply. I give her harder and harder, screams mixed with orgasms, pain and pleasure mixed in a cocktail so she can inject them and away she goes. There seem to be no bounds to what she demands from me. I am a push over. Weak. Subservient a slave to her. I lay at her feet while she rampages and tears across the landscape collecting her severed heads.

She is in me, she is my basest urges and she shows me no mercy. She collects my ego, my head and sense of who I think I am and tramples over my body like a dead doormat.

I've noticed yet another pattern. Not just a pattern in who I seek out for partners but what kind of environment I seek out. In me is a void. A chaos so thick that it is nothing at all. Hollow. Pure chaos. I seek order. Structure. Some enslavement so tyrannical I am unable to fly free across the universe as I am too free. I am nothing at all. I seek to be seduced down into a box like a genie in a bottle and she rubs me when she wants something.

I've noticed I thrive in violent environments. Environments where dog eats dog. Where I am forced to wake up to an electric buzz. Where men are forced to draw blood from each other and compete for the most megre and insignificant. Were sweat and blood is respect, order. I've noticed that when I don't have a tyrannically seductive woman, I seek out an environment which is like that. When I can't find a prison in the form of a beautiful woman, I unconsciously seek out forms of imprisonment elsewhere. She is a ruthless mistress. I seek out the most demanding and the more demanding the woman, the more I am attracted to her. The more demanding and brutally controlling the environment, the more I am attracted to it.

How to I change. I am swept away by this. I can see it now, it screams out to me in my dreams and yet I seem to be so weak, so hollow that I comply. I want to be whole. I want her to be whole. Not a single dark side. I want to be both light and dark. I want to witness it complete. Perhaps the sun is about to rise any moment. I just have to be patient.

I'll let go of the years wasted chasing thrill after thrill. The journey begins now. The past is no more. I am new when I choose. I am new the moment I can see and can choose.

I started small today. I went outside and I saw a bird with a snake in its beak today. I was compelled to stalk it and chase it down. I stopped and watched it fly away instead.

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to squash something cute or beautiful

Permanent Linkby Squaredonutwheels on Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:58 am

A few days ago I managed to go outside and there was a bird that was flapping it's wings but something was a bit repulsive how it moved. It looked abit broken. I had things to do that day and as I was walking past I stopped to watch it for a few seconds. It crossed my mind to step on it. I didn't as I didn't want to get my shoes dirty and went inside to finish my work. As I was coming back out, I walked over to step on it on the way out to my car and it was gone. Maybe it flew away. Maybe a cat got it. I am confused because I know I should have left it alone but why do I still go back to check it. I want to love and in my head, I thought that was the right thing to do. If it's broken, destroy it.

It reminded me of a time when I used to work for a mustering contractor. Sometimes in the chaos the cows would get injured. One time a little grey weiner broke it's leg and was limping around. When cows get hurt too bad, they stop being scared and fight back. It wouldn't go in the yard and would charge anyone that came near it, hopping around on three legs. It's broken leg was dangling around. For some reason I thought it was funny watching it bounce along on three legs chasing M trying to heatbutt him. M was trying hard to get behind it and drag it by the tail into the yard but it was just too hard. It was quicker to just kill it. We didn't have anything on us so the boss told M to kill it with a rock. M didn't want to. The rock was too small. During the hesitation, we lost the line and some cows escaped and were about to get away. I was the quickest of the boys so the boss had me go round up the escapees while he got the rock and started to bash the weiners head. I looked over and I could see M with his head down wiping his eyes and the boss smashing the rock up and down. It took forever. The boss was not happy at all. A rock is not very effective. We ate beef every evening for dinner. They're food. They're cute and look funny when they hop around on three legs but they are also food.

I don't know why I am writing about this. I want to feel what M felt that day. I know that it wasn't useful and created more work for everyone, but I wonder if what M felt that day is what I need if I one day can be a complete person. I accidentally discovered this forum while looking up something related. I didn't expect that my views on the world and on myself would change just from bumming around reading posts by other people. I didn't suspect that I would read posts from people who would give a voice to those lives I affected but didn't stop to think how it affected them.

I used to pick on other kids with autism. One girl who used to skip around with a blanket used to do these funny motions with her hands. I twisted them once. I read some beautiful poems written by aspies and it made me really think. These people are beautiful. I am confused. I think there is something changing in me. Or maybe I'm just trying too hard.

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