underneath "perfection"
was the wrath
under that; resentment, frustration
peel that back; pain and shame
ambition, hunger and lust
under that depression
depression a medication against anxiety
anxiety? I feel anxiety? Me? that can't be!
but there it is, unseen, hollow, an endless whole of potential
the horror of freedom

anxiety
or
depression
which will it be
it is impossible not to choose
presented with the fundamental choice

CHOOSE!

i must choose anxiety
choose to grow
and change
I'd rather let go than be strong
flow rather than be right
be me than be seen as this or that

It's not that the depression is bad. It's so much better, easier
it's the blanket that smothers the burn of my fire
a fire that rages on in agony
may I look back on these young angsy words
and smile
send back some hugs and quite understanding
I'll get there
see you soon

today it rains across my face
the burning in my chest
it's beauty cuts me
it's ugliness kisses me
these moments so fleeting
it hurts
I ache, it aches for me, with me
i love them so much
each never like the last
they slip through-nothing I can do
they come and go through me like arrows constructed
from a procession of the most beautiful whores

the seal has been broken
goodbye 8 months of meticulous self study
hello kink and swingers
it's been too long
sliding back on my filth
back into depravity
i reached for heaven,
slipped and landed on my face

my new purpose alludes me
do i need a purpose?
i am a sharpened weapon
brutally crafted of suffering for suffering
there is nothing to cut
nothing to be swung at
nothing to bleed for
nothing to sweat and cry for
i wait a week a month
it's nearly half a year now
it hurts to wait
all the comforts i thought i wanted
eat away at me. misery
i feel like an ornament
but i wish to be used
draw blood and sweat
this heaven is becoming hell
these soft feathers are worse than knives

He who withdraws himself from actions, but ponders on their pleasures in his heart, he is under a delusion and is a false follower of the Path.

But great is the man who, free from attachments, and with a mind ruling its powers in harmony, works on the part of Karma Yoga, the path of consecrated action.

Action is greater than inaction: perform therefore thy task in life. Even the life of the body could not be if there were no action.

-The Bhagavad Gita



interpretation to self. Stop masturbating with language and go play dumbass. you only mess up if you stop messing up.