I've tried to run from it...
But I think I have PTSD.
as well as all the other $#%^ that's wrong with me.Right now I'm sat here with hot fear in my body, my heart is beating so fast, I'm panicking even though there is nothing to panic about.
It's how I felt when I was with him. Like my body is remembering. Like it feels it has to be on high alert.
It's horrible and I can't get away from it.
I just want it to stop
I am trying so hard right now not to use my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms but... It's too hard.
I'm so anxious. I have a feeling of dread. I can't sit still.
the anxiety in my chest won't go away
I don't want PTSD. I don't want him to have done this to me. I don't want to deal with it.
But I have been through absolute hell. And I think anyone no matter how strong would develop this if they'd been through what I've been through. But it's not fair
I also have nightmares, almost every night. Of a crazed man coming to kill me, usually with a knife. Sometimes he stabs me multiple times and I try to fight him off whilst getting stabbed and covered in blood. One time I managed to get the knife off him and then I stabbed him to death after he'd already stabbed me. Blood everywhere.
I usually try to run in the bathroom and lock myself in and hold the door but he stabs the door and the knife comes through it.
I try to phone someone but I can't whilst holding the door. Or my phone won't work or I can't press the buttons. It is like a demonic force is in my dream. I wake up screaming and terrified.
I have extreme numbness at times. Although I had this before all this happened. But I have it towards this situation. I have no feelings towards it, I can't connect with it and it's like it never happened. No anger, no sadness nothing. Then all of a sudden I'll feel intense rage. So intense.
I also suffered with that before but this is different. It's like a flashback of sorts. It's like the rage I experienced at a certain point during a time I was with him.
And it makes me feel like a psycho. A true psycho. I have had feelings like this before towards people who have also abused me, but I've never been invalidated by police and mental health staff who were making out I was the crazy abusive one at that time.
I hate them all, they make me feel truly sick.
Writing this has become too much. I feel horrible. I feel sick now and it's all going back inside.
I also have intrusive thoughts. Avoidance. I avoid thinking about the bad times. Cause I don't wana believe they happened. I wana believe it didn't matter. I've also tried to force myself to acknowledge it at times when I feel so numb about it.
Because I don't wana develop PTSD. So I've tried to make myself process it. But I can't.
At times I'll just end up sitting there reliving things and all of a sudden I'll come back into the room and realise what I'd been doing.
I don't want it
Yay. PTSD. Wekcome to my already crazy brain. I'm being assessed by a psychiatrist soon.
I wonder if he/she is actually gunna listen to me.
Cause if this isn't PTSD then I'm not sure what is. I can't diagnose myself of course, I'm not a professional.
But either way, I am mentally scarred. And it makes me have so many different emotions.
I might post in the PTSD forum. But I wanted to write this first. I like getting my thoughts out.