Our partner

User avatar
seabreezeblue
Site Admin
 
Posts: 5667
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (26)
Archives
- March 2018
some half formed thoughts..
   Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:16 pm

+ May 2016
+ January 2016
+ August 2015
+ July 2015
+ June 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ November 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
Search Blogs

blah entry.. *triggers*

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:50 pm

flashbacks..

those fun little moments in my day that sneak up on me just when everything is good and i'm happy -
i really don't have the emotional energy to keep fighting this - and i feel dumb for feeling miserable and like i have no right to be..

Today i've felt like i've been on the worst.. blah, can't even think of an analogy i'm that tired.

I've laughed, i've cried.. literally just wept like a kid - but you know, why do i even use that term? 'wept like a kid..'' - or ''cried like a baby''.. who decided that people aren't allowed to have feeling when they get to adulthood anyway?
What a mess.. not me; well, okay - yes.. i feel like a mess.. i am a mess but tomorrow morning, i'll get out of bed and start a new day - sleep would probably be a good start though.. hardly surprising that my flashbacks are hitting so hard if i'm not sleeping properly.

I feel stupid and dirty and need a bath and a good nights sleep.. twistedly funny, i couldn't have cared less about being clean as a kid,, all i wanted and could think about was how to get enough food to get through the day.. i flashed back today to the kid i once was - waiting after school until all the other kids had gone home so i could go through the wastebin hanging just outside the entrance - it was unbelievable to me that people would throw food away.. I feel sick now thinking about the stuff i ate.. and so so ashamed of it as well.. i used to pick half eaten apples out of the bin and finish them - i remember peeling a squashed sweet off the floor one day and eating it.. i'd done it tons of times before but this time it tasted awful and i had to spit several times until the nasty taste went away and it was anywhere near edible..
I got caught once - a woman down the road from my parents must have been watching out of her window as i picked an apple core off the ground and inspected it - brushing off the tiny pieces of gravel.. she opened her front door and told me i shouldn't eat it,, it was dirty and if i was hungry she had a bag of crisps she could give me.. I was too ashamed to take them and just told her that i wasn't going to eat the aplle, i was just looking at it - i know she probably didn't believe me - as i walked away, i didn't regret not taking the crisps - i wanted to be invisible and her to not have seen me, but i did want that apple core and hated having to drop it back on the ground..

I can remember so much today - i wish i couldn't..
i wish i'd been able to speak.
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



forum-rules.php
3 Comments Viewed 17166 times
Comments

Re: blah entry.. *triggers*

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:33 pm

Wow
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 11825
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Blog: View Blog (182)

Re: blah entry.. *triggers*

Permanent Linkby seabreezeblue on Thu Jul 23, 2015 10:42 am

yep..

''interesting'' childhood i guess :/
I feel dumb sometimes for feeling bad and then a reaction like yours makes me try and see things from an outside perspective.. maybe it was pretty rough.
meh.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..



forum-rules.php
User avatar
seabreezeblue
Site Admin
 
Posts: 5667
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (26)

Re: blah entry.. *triggers*

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sat Jul 25, 2015 8:40 am

It's never as rough, when you're the one looking back, and you're not in that situation any more. But to outsiders, it looks rougher than you yourself think, having had to be the one to live thru it, I think.

Yah..... it was damn rough. Hugs.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
Site Admin
 
Posts: 11825
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
Blog: View Blog (182)

Who is online

Registered users: Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], birdsong87, CrimsonInTheDetails, Domingogog, Dwelt, Exabot [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Muninn, Overtherainbow90, someone097, Son, Terry E.