My loneliness is getting to me in a bad way this evening.
I HATE being alone it's like torture.
I am trying so hard not to do he usual things I do at the moment, as I know it's just a never ending cycle otherwise. Drinking, going out meeting people.
Getting myself into more and more and more and more trouble. I don't want the trouble to continue any more, but I don't know how to be alone.
I'll just end up getting myself into another unhealthy relationship and the cycle will continue. But there's a large part of me that really REALLY wants/needs to.
I miss him hurting me. What kind of freak am I. But I HATE him. And he's disgusting and vile and I am 150% done. And I don't even really care anymore.
I lose myself alone. I become a shell. My identity vanishes. My self image becomes so incredibly distorted.
I'm having dark, dark thoughts and desires and feelings that are disturbing me. And I'm trying my very best not to act on them. But it's like they're taking over my brain. I need therapy and quick.
I think I'm gunna write in my diary how I'm feeling. I like coming on here and writing stuff, makes me feel less alone and like I can choose to do the right things and I don't have to be out of control.
Reminds me what I am trying to do, which is get better. It's hard though.
I am so mixed up and alone. So empty. So dark inside.
The emptiness is just.... Intolerable.
I'm so empty. It's torture. I need a cuddle. Or attention, or something, anything. To fill the hole.
Or to be hurt. I want to be hurt. So numb.
Please take the emptiness away. Please save me from myself. Lord please bring good things into my life. I've been through enough agony. I can't go on like this. I don't know what to do or how to handle it.
Please help me.
I'm going to curl up in a ball now.

I've always heard, that until we're happy with ourself, we'll never truly be happy with someone else... I feel that I'm like that-although I don't have intense loneliness alone. But relationships aren't what they should be, either.

Hugs! Stay safe, sweetie.

[quote="Snaga"]I've always heard, that until we're happy with ourself, we'll never truly be happy with someone else... I feel that I'm like that-although I don't have intense loneliness alone. But relationships aren't what they should be, either.

Hugs! Stay safe, sweetie.[/quote]

Much of what I've read/heard says the same. In my case though I kinda get my identity from other people so being alone is like I'm not really alive. I wish I could be happy alone. I wish I could have an identity alone. Wish I could feel alone. But I can't, alone I feel I don't exist.
I morph into a version of myself based on my surroundings and environment so I have to be careful where I put myself.
I believe in signs. And everything keeps telling me 'be alone, be alone, be alone, be happy alone'.
So I'm trying to take notice. It's just hard.
Maybe it's not about being completely happy alone, maybe it's just being in touch with yourself and true self acceptance. I also believe relationships teach us things about ourselves. Sometimes they're like lessons. I know my last, as horrible as it was has highlighted so many of my issues to myself. I'm grateful for the pain. But now I'm just so desperate to jump straight in another.
And hugs back to you. Trying my best. Thank you xx

I feel as if I also get part of my identity from what and who... but not to the point of feeling empty without it. Just maybe the outside, like a chameleon.

Yes, relationships do seem to show what's inside us, don't they? And I mostly don't like what they show me.

Yeah. I can relate to that. I don't like what mine has shown me but it's helped me to understand myself better.
It's made me realise how bad my codependency issues are. Made me realise truly how manipulative and cold I can be. And a whole load of other things...
I'm a total chameleon too. Except on my own I feel like I just disappear... Or I become translucent

I never thought I was manipulative until someone called me that. Now I have to wonder.