we ended up meeting again after i traveled to his city after a last-minute decision. i wanted so much to be with him and to feel the way he made me feel...

we had 4 days together this time. i did not feel the same way and i don't know what's changed. one thing i can tell is that this time i could smell him. just normal human smell, but last time i couldn't smell anything, almost as if he had no smell, even though he had been smoking all the time. i think i have a strong negative association related to smells. i did feel good as i was around him, i did want to be around him, but sometimes and especially as i paid attention to his smell i was disgusted by him. it did not stop me from liking him and wanting to see him again; i would describe what happened to me as a paradoxical simultaneousness of desire and disgust. it became stronger as our relationship became more sexual and as i started to have intrusive sexual fantasies - i would call them intrusive, given that they often depicted situations in which i would not actually like to be (like public sex and involvement with other men) and that i had to constantly fight myself not to try and make such fantasies come true. on that time i had forgotten to take my meds - i wonder how related to my daily sexuais anguishes my meds really are and what that means to my mental health (i don't wanna have to be on meds forever to avoid having degrading sex with strangers).

anyway, now that i'm back to my normal life i've been pretending i had no negative feelings toward him and that it was much better for me than it actually was. pretending to him, of course. i don't want him to get hurt because of my emotional detours and tbh i really want to keep things working with him, even though it won't be a relationship. i've been dreaming of degrading encounters (not necessarily sexual) with men from my past and i usually get angry or realize the sadness of my situation during the dreams. that's a fairly new theme in my dreams... at the same time i'm having some thought about installing a hookup app again and having meaningless sex. i feel like this moment is decisive, and that if i'm able to not give in now i will acquire a new level of strength. i'm thinking about making it my lent fasting, but at the same time i don't want to compromise and break that promise and i know how weak i am when it comes to sex. overall, i feel that now i'm much more stable than a year ago (i was in a terrible state then, remember?) and i'm beginning to understand what my religion really means about the human misery. i hope i can learn in time what it means to hand my troubles to god and let him work in me through grace. i think my pride keeps me yet too distant from being a good catholic.

Hugs, I've just stopped an addictive habit myself, and like you, I feel as if I can get past it in the coming weeks, I'll be a much better person for it. Prayers that you are able to stay away from the random encounters.....

congratulations! i wish it was a tenth as easy to stop a habit that it is starting one. good luck during the next weeks!

Good luck to you! And yes-it takes but an instant, to become s prisoner of ourselves.