| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Rednal/index_sid-f4f51db74bea002ce4effe5fc6750521.html |
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| Author: | Rednal [ Thu Sep 05, 2013 12:34 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | solitude |
One day in middle school I realized it had been a few days since I said a word to anyone. I’m not exactly sure what brought it to my attention. I think it was the depression and loneliness that brought it to my attention. I ached for companionship. Somehow it just occurred to me that I had not spoken in days. Not in school or at home. Home life was filled with arguing and yelling between Mom and her husband, so I usually just came home, went straight to my room, and ached, cried, played risk on the floor against myself, and slept. At school I attempted to talk to a counselor who stared at the computer for an hour as he asked me to wait. Eventually I left. No one was actively interested in me, and I knew it. So, after I realized I was not speaking for long periods of time, I started making this game to see how long I could go without speaking. I would speak if required, even if it meant breaking a streak of silence, but I would not volunteer to speak. Days often went by without me saying a word, and I would come home from school and I would fall asleep with tears. This went on for years. Years of solitude in the midst of a crowd does things to the psyche. In my junior year in high school I lost a ton of weight. Most likely over 100 lbs. People started to show interest in me, and I was angry at some of them for it. In my mind, they had left me alone for years, and now, now that I was handsome, they wanted to introduce me to their world of popularity. I did not accept, and grew angry at the hypocrisy. In the midst of all that though, I met a girl. Can you imagine what that was like to someone who spent years alone? The fear of losing her was unbearable. I lost her eventually, and I blame those years of solitude, and the fear. The fear drove me a little crazy such that, I had to leave or risk my sanity. That was my first, and only relationship I have had that has been in-person. That was nearly 20 years ago. Every other relationship, both friendship and romantic has been online. I still struggle with that fear. It’s been a year now since I have had a friend even online. In a way it’s like the game I used to play in middle school. How long can I go in silence without a friend? I have actually tried a couple times and those attempts at friendship failed. I have it in my mind not to try again, and simply count the years of solitude, as I did then, as they go by. Solitude has been my existence. The irony of my life is that I need love too much to ever have it. I need love, so I can’t have it. The void is too deep. The risk too high to waste on me. The damage to my psyche has gone too far. I am unlovable. You might like me from afar, but you cannot love me for long. As I look into the future all I see is more of the same. I will be one of those suicide statistics. Not today. Not soon, but eventually. It pulls me toward it like a black hole. It is inevitable. I don’t know how to stop it. It is not what I imagined my life to be. |
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| Author: | Rednal [ Fri Nov 18, 2011 2:05 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | unreal |
I'm hanging on the edge of nothingness. Everywhere I look all the illusions are gone. I needed those illusions. Reality is too painful. I'm getting older. Even with all the things I'm doing to rebuild my life, it feels to late. |
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