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- June 2015
There is nothing to do.
   Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:09 pm

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There is nothing to do.

Permanent Linkby RachaeyH on Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:09 pm

Stuck with the feeling that everything is pointless. I cannot do anything with genuine interest, everything I do is disappointing. I cannot summon the energy to read a book because I won't be able to concentrate. I feel like going downstairs and watching TV - True Detective is on demand. I like the Matthew McConaughey character because I feel like I can relate to him. Then I remember that he's a fictional character and one that is deliberately exaggerated in opposition to the other lead character, and that they balance each other out in order to successfully complete their job as detectives. Also to provide contrast for character depth and entertainment for us viewers. The programme isn't designed to make depressed people feel less alone. We're supposed to pity the McConaughey cop, but I get comfort from him. Maybe I should watch it on second thoughts.. then. But if i surround my life with stuff like this, do I constantly reassert my own #######5 moods/feelings. All I can ever really be truly bothered to do is read fictional books or ones about psychology. Or anything that involves using my body alone and my mind just as a source of power to push my body.. like intense aerobic exercise where I feel like I'm actually going to die as a result of how hard I push.

I feel isolated from everyone around me. I think that everyone is fake and people have their priorities wrong. I know objectively that this is not true. But I don't understand why I have this feeling and why I can't get rid of it. I'm a social person and I have many friends. But there is such a fakeness to it. Why do they like me? They don't know what I'm like inside. They like me because I'm nice to them, and someone being nice to you equates to good feelings/boosted self esteem, transferred then onto the person who represents these feelings for the person. They don't like me, they like 'me' because 'I' am nice to them and make them feel good about themselves. This doesn't make 'me' a 'good' person, which is how I would be described. I would much rather be quiet and not speak to anyone but that's not a good recipe for being successful in life. I want to be a success at writing and making myself as intelligent as physically possible. Life is empty and this is the only way in which I think I can give myself meaning.

Staying in bed seems like a good option. Its comfortable and I don't have to do anything. I feel tired but i slept for around 13 hours last night. I had vile dreams about my mum being sexually promiscuous with children. She had a lodger in the front room of her house who encouraged homeless people to sneak down the alleyway and into the back of our house. It was surreal and horrible. I had vivid dreams like this all night. Even in rest I feel taunted by things I don't understand. I have so much energy that I feel disappointed by everything because I know nothing will match what's driving this speed inside my head. I think I'll stay in bed all afternoon, then go to the gym for two hours, and back to bed again. Not going to the party tonight. Work tomorrow. Same as..

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