var title = 'Psychology and Mental Health Forum Psychology Feed';
		var url = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/random_blogs_c-3.html';
		var site_url = 'https://www.psychforums.com';
		var site_desc = 'Psychology and Mental Health Forum';
		var time = 'Sat, 13 Sep 2025 15:13:59 -0400';

		var data = new Array();
		

		data[0] = new Array();
		data[0]['title'] = 'I am new here';
		data[0]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/i_am_new_here_c-3_u-353949_b-10063.html';
		data[0]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/i_am_new_here_c-3_u-353949_b-10063.html';
		data[0]['username'] = 'forbiddenskills';
		data[0]['blog_id'] = '10063';
		data[0]['blog_message'] = 'Would love to help someone solve their mind related issues.';
		data[0]['blog_time'] = 'Wed, 13 Jul 2016 13:40:23 -0400';
		

		data[1] = new Array();
		data[1]['title'] = 'Cutting away the ugly part of me...';
		data[1]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html';
		data[1]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html';
		data[1]['username'] = 'cfit60';
		data[1]['blog_id'] = '4008';
		data[1]['blog_message'] = 'Hello, I&#039;m a cutter...<br /><br />Why do I cut?  What turned me into a self hater who scars his body and often wants to die?<br /><br />I&#039;m a 44 year old man who has seen his world fall apart two years ago.  I was seriously injured on the job to the point of full disability.  I can no longer do the job I lived to do, which was Police work.  Add to that the fact that I suffer horrific pain everyday due to my back injury.  I have crushed a total of 9 discs in my upper, middle and lower back and have to use a cane to walk.<br /><br />Not only do I have permanent nerve damage, but as a result I lost function of my bladder and need to urinate with a catheter and a leg bag.  I have had several surgeries to include a two level cervical fusion, an interstim implant for my bladder and a Morphine drug pump implant. Despite these surgeries, the Morphine pump and oral pain meds I am still in a great deal of pain all day and night; awake and sleeping.  I still have a few more surgeries I must endure in the next year. This physical pain alone is one reason why I cut myself. <br /><br />Since I don&#039;t have any control of the constant pain related to my back injury I at least have control over the pain I endure when I cut myself.  I don&#039;t scratch myself...when I cut I cut deep and I have scars over 70% of my body.  I often cut out of anger or frustration, because I lost my passion for life when I lost my career as a Police Officer.  It&#039;s extremely difficult to go from being physically able to chase bad guys, make arrests and help others to someone who can barely walk and is in constant pain.  <br /><br />Over the past two years I have gone from a mentally confident and competent person to a mental basket case.  Now I must say that prior to my career ending injury I suffered from PTSD and bouts of depression related to my Police experiences while employed by NYPD during 9-11 and survivor&#039;s guilt.  Also, growing up I would from time to time cut myself. Oh yeah and when I was 13 years old I slit my wrist and OD on medication in an attempt to end my life.  It was really tough covering up the huge ass scar on my wrist, especially while applying for work as a Police Officer.  I don&#039;t regret the scar, I regret the fact that I lived.  Looking back I guess there have been many times where I was in harms way and could of, should have died, but didn&#039;t.  This happened more often of course during my Ten years of Police work.  Looking back now I can honestly say that I wanted to be a Police Officer so I could die. Had you asked me while I was still working as a Police Officer I would have said it was so I could help people and save lives.<br /><br />Anyways, I now suffer from a whole host of mental disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and a couple of other disorders that escape me at this time.  I&#039;m taking a handful of medication daily in the hopes of controlling my mental and physical pain.<br /><br />It&#039;s not working, I can&#039;t sleep and the urges to cut keep getting stronger.  I also envision me cutting my own throat with a knife. I can be sitting on the couch watching a TV show and out of no where I see it...I see the knife in my hand held to my throat.  I wonder, is this how I am supposed to die?  I always hoped it would be via lead poison ( aka a bullet).  No matter, I keep cutting and my wife sees the cuts and scars and naturally freaks out.  I&#039;m putting her through hell and that just adds to my anxiety and frustration that often boils over and results in even more cutting!  I wish I could post pictures so you can see my scars and know that this is for real.  I&#039;m living a nightmare and I&#039;m ashamed of myself for being so weak. Two years ago I was a decent role model for other Officers and the community I lived to protect and serve.  Now...now I am suicidal and spend most of my time at home, in pain and alone.  <br /><br />The urges are becoming too great and I&#039;m fast losing any control. My cuts are becoming deeper and deeper.  How can I cut out the ugly side of me when...<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html" class="postlink-local">[ Continued ]</a>';
		data[1]['blog_time'] = 'Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:33:57 -0500';
		

		data[2] = new Array();
		data[2]['title'] = 'Need help, am I gay bi or straight?';
		data[2]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/need_help_am_i_gay_bi_or_straight%CA%94_c-3_u-252308_b-6176.html';
		data[2]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/need_help_am_i_gay_bi_or_straight%CA%94_c-3_u-252308_b-6176.html';
		data[2]['username'] = '23yroldguy';
		data[2]['blog_id'] = '6176';
		data[2]['blog_message'] = 'Hi there, I need some help.  I am very confused about my Sexuality and not sure whether I am gay or bi, or even straight.  <br /><br />I&#039;ll tell you my story,  I am from South America and as a kid I messed around with my friends sexually just trying to experiment as it was easier than getting girls...  We wanted girls but decided to play around with each other...   That was when I was 13-15 I am now 23.  We probably spent half a year messing about, if was never emotional or anything like that but just sexual..  <br /><br />I&#039;ve lived all my life liking girls ever since and have felt love for women too.  I&#039;ve had two Gfs (real ones), the last one I was with for five years and the current one for around 7 months.    I&#039;ve never really looked at guys at all in any emotional way but I do like to mess around with guys sexually..  And have done a few times in the last 6years..  From oral to sex.   Most of the time I didn&#039;t enjoy it but it was a sexual thing and fancied oral sex...  That&#039;s as far as it got with men...  Just casual sexual encounters...  Not often but we could say once ever three or four months...  I haven&#039;t since with my Gf as I have been truly happy with her and feel deeply in love with her and always have enjoyed her body too.  <br /><br />Around two weeks ago or just a bit less than that I told her about my sexual experiences and that I think I might be bisexual,   however since then I have developed somewhat of an ocd, hocd...  Re questioning my Sexuality asking myself whether my whole life as straight has been an illusion and even force myself to see myself with a guy.  It doesn&#039;t really attract me, but I can&#039;t say I would never do it as I think if I can sexually be aroused by men too then it means something,  and I have not been able to stop forcing myself into thinking if I am gay or not, and that surely I must be if I fantasise about men whilst with women,  <br /><br />I don&#039;t understand whether it&#039;s something in my head that has caused me to not stop thinking about my sexual orientation or whether I&#039;m gay but have never really seen it until now, the emotional side I mean...  And reconfuse myself by acknowledging that I haven&#039;t really at all ever felt emotions for guys, but many times for girls.  <br /><br />I guess I need to establish whether I can be straight and then turn gay, or if I&#039;m simply bisexual, or if I just like sex with men too..  And that&#039;s it.  As that&#039;s how it&#039;s felt all my life.  <br /><br />I think about everything to do with this, asking myself if it&#039;s that I don&#039;t want to be gay and I just have forced myself to be straight, but it&#039;s hard to put that to ground as I think at least I would have acknowledged emotions for men before, which I truly haven&#039;t until all this began.  <br /><br />Any ideas comments would be greatly appreciated.. As I can&#039;t even function a normal life atm..  And when I think of being gay and not being with my current Gf it makes me sick as I want to be with her,  or maybe I want it that way because it would just be easier?.';
		data[2]['blog_time'] = 'Thu, 16 Jan 2014 08:34:00 -0500';
		

		data[3] = new Array();
		data[3]['title'] = 'emotional hijacking and learning to take personal responsibility';
		data[3]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/emotional_hijacking_and_learning_to_take_personal_responsibility_c-3_u-333179_b-9772.html';
		data[3]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/emotional_hijacking_and_learning_to_take_personal_responsibility_c-3_u-333179_b-9772.html';
		data[3]['username'] = 'Stab1l1ty';
		data[3]['blog_id'] = '9772';
		data[3]['blog_message'] = 'Hello everyone! Here is another post that I wonder if anyone can relate to?<br /><br />Now I have recognized that I do have some good qualities as I began to understand and rebuild myself but I find that I have also exploited these qualities in the past, distant and and not so distant. At I times I have  even justified my actions with these qualities for example talking myself out of returning a phone call from my mother, I&#039;ll tell  myself that attending to my life changes are more important, I can&#039;t disrupt this noble and righteous work, then anger will justify the frustration of having to make these life changes then ill hold her responsible for my current emotional and mental struggles. Ill think she doesn&#039;t deserve to speak with me, she deserves to suffer like me, she should be punished. (I know very immature,  Its as if bpd is one the more extreme symptoms of immaturity)<br /><br />Or my sadness will justify my depression after acknowledging how sensitive I am.  For an example I&#039;ll use avoiding my mothers call again, I&#039;ll think to myself that I deserve to be alone for all the stress and pain I have caused others, that there is so much growth that needs to transpire before I can effectively communicate with anyone. That I don&#039;t have anything worth saying, that I don&#039;t want to worry anyone with my issues and ineptitude. (Really I&#039;m just removing a level of responsibility and accountability over my own actions that I believe I&#039;m too exhausted for, too depressed to invest my energy in to)<br />This is where My Fear interjects sometimes, creating thoughts like I would just embarrass myself if I try to educate or inform my mother on my current condition because I don&#039;t really know myself like i once believed I did, I&#039;ll sound uninformed to her, like I&#039;m not trying to change, or I&#039;m not taking the growth that needs to transpire seriously enough. (The shame would be too much to bear apparently is what Im thinking here, once again I see myself hiding from a level of responsibility because of the fear of emotional shame, which is related to heightened level of emotional sensitivity leaving me fearful of many personal and social situations/confrontations)<br /><br />Another thing I have become recently hip to is the projection of these insecurities on he world. What I believe people are thinking about me or fear that they may be thinking, really are just what i deep down think about myself. And it does not stop at people i project my demeanor on to all things, in my eyes the world has become as tumultuous as my soul, A place where joy does not exist only struggle and heartache.  I believe by improving my perception of self my projection on to the world will also improve, my perception of the world will improve and i will see the beauty of life again.';
		data[3]['blog_time'] = 'Sun, 20 Mar 2016 19:43:32 -0400';
		

		data[4] = new Array();
		data[4]['title'] = 'Personality Disorder';
		data[4]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/personality_disorder_c-3_u-445630_b-12169.html';
		data[4]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/personality_disorder_c-3_u-445630_b-12169.html';
		data[4]['username'] = 'recklesswho';
		data[4]['blog_id'] = '12169';
		data[4]['blog_message'] = 'I don&#039;t know whats going on with me, its getting worse and im getting tired. Im a boy, 20 years old and  I can&#039;t remember as many details as I would like to remember about who and what I was before that &#039;something&#039; happened thats why I&#039;ll be vague with some things. If you think you may have and idea or have some information or a good advice on this please feel free to answer cause I&#039;m desperate.  <br />I&#039;ve been in and out of psychiatric institutions since high school and I&#039;ve been diagnosed multiple times by different doctors (Antisocial personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia Paranoid, Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar not otherwise specified.) When I was younger I was pretty much in control of myself, some things with me were off but nothing that really bothered me, things like excessive boredom, intrusive thoughts, derealization and depersonalizations and not being able to not to fake every social interaction, a giant disgust for every human, an entertained mind with every mechanic answer, things people could just not see, I planned everything I said and everything I did, it was automatic, It was sorta exciting getting everything I wanted, I stole things like whole outfits in expensive clothes stores even though I had the money just because it was exciting and made me feel good, I abused all kinda of drugs and people in a way, I got sorta lost in the drug path, I started getting psychotic and I did a lot of crazy things like going out of town, not sleeping, spending weeks on the street, drugs, wild parties, sex with strangers,  but then a day I started to notice that I wasn&#039;t so sure of what I was doing, something that I think I never felt before, I was kinda lost, I was kinda alone and I didn&#039;t knew what was the next step to take, like if the part of me that was sure of everything and had everything sorted out disappeared, the drugs were getting down and I was so exhausted and desperate feeling that I couldn&#039;t go out for more, now i&#039;m clean except for weed (auto medication) I became aware of every little thing but didn&#039;t know how to deal with it or what was the importance of everything, I have a cloud in my mind and im not sure of anything I don&#039;t know how to explain it, its driving me crazy, I want to stab my face multiple times after I stab everyone else, I always thought that in a way (a proxemic way) I can read peoples minds but after this happened it was like their thoughts and expression became sharp and aggressive to me, and now its like they can hear my thoughts too in that way also, something happened to my nerves, I can&#039;t be relaxed, not in my house, not in my bed, not in my sleep, I just can&#039;t relax its like If I am possessed and my brain and inside my body its burning I have ricing and negative thoughts, i&#039;m angry and irritable to the core, to the point that if some one talks to me in that moment I snap and attack them with everything I have and I hurt myself cause I need it to stop now, it so much. Everyday I end up screaming and scratching my face because I don&#039;t quite get what im feeling  but it is a lot, I can&#039;t concentrate, I can&#039;t decide between stupid easy things, I feel guilty all the time, I can&#039;t organize my mind and put whats first first, that makes me angry as ###$,  I can&#039;t sleep well, I have panic attacks, night terrors, my stomach hurst and I need to throw up since I wake up, this are just some things that are happening, there are a lot more but I don&#039;t know what its important what its not, I also some times experience selective mutism when some one asks me what is happening because my brain does not know the answer or at least thats what I think. No one has been able to help me, not the doctors, not in the clinic , I don&#039;t trust anybody and im fearing that Im gonna have to kill myself because I won&#039;t live like this my whole life, and its not getting better, 2 years now, I feel hopeless.  Alexithymia and mixed bipolar episode are things that can describe...<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/personality_disorder_c-3_u-445630_b-12169.html" class="postlink-local">[ Continued ]</a>';
		data[4]['blog_time'] = 'Tue, 12 Jun 2018 16:04:25 -0400';