var title = 'Psychology and Mental Health Forum Psychology Feed';
		var url = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/random_blogs_c-3.html';
		var site_url = 'https://www.psychforums.com';
		var site_desc = 'Psychology and Mental Health Forum';
		var time = 'Sun, 10 Aug 2025 05:24:32 -0400';

		var data = new Array();
		

		data[0] = new Array();
		data[0]['title'] = 'Cutting away the ugly part of me...';
		data[0]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html';
		data[0]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html';
		data[0]['username'] = 'cfit60';
		data[0]['blog_id'] = '4008';
		data[0]['blog_message'] = 'Hello, I&#039;m a cutter...<br /><br />Why do I cut?  What turned me into a self hater who scars his body and often wants to die?<br /><br />I&#039;m a 44 year old man who has seen his world fall apart two years ago.  I was seriously injured on the job to the point of full disability.  I can no longer do the job I lived to do, which was Police work.  Add to that the fact that I suffer horrific pain everyday due to my back injury.  I have crushed a total of 9 discs in my upper, middle and lower back and have to use a cane to walk.<br /><br />Not only do I have permanent nerve damage, but as a result I lost function of my bladder and need to urinate with a catheter and a leg bag.  I have had several surgeries to include a two level cervical fusion, an interstim implant for my bladder and a Morphine drug pump implant. Despite these surgeries, the Morphine pump and oral pain meds I am still in a great deal of pain all day and night; awake and sleeping.  I still have a few more surgeries I must endure in the next year. This physical pain alone is one reason why I cut myself. <br /><br />Since I don&#039;t have any control of the constant pain related to my back injury I at least have control over the pain I endure when I cut myself.  I don&#039;t scratch myself...when I cut I cut deep and I have scars over 70% of my body.  I often cut out of anger or frustration, because I lost my passion for life when I lost my career as a Police Officer.  It&#039;s extremely difficult to go from being physically able to chase bad guys, make arrests and help others to someone who can barely walk and is in constant pain.  <br /><br />Over the past two years I have gone from a mentally confident and competent person to a mental basket case.  Now I must say that prior to my career ending injury I suffered from PTSD and bouts of depression related to my Police experiences while employed by NYPD during 9-11 and survivor&#039;s guilt.  Also, growing up I would from time to time cut myself. Oh yeah and when I was 13 years old I slit my wrist and OD on medication in an attempt to end my life.  It was really tough covering up the huge ass scar on my wrist, especially while applying for work as a Police Officer.  I don&#039;t regret the scar, I regret the fact that I lived.  Looking back I guess there have been many times where I was in harms way and could of, should have died, but didn&#039;t.  This happened more often of course during my Ten years of Police work.  Looking back now I can honestly say that I wanted to be a Police Officer so I could die. Had you asked me while I was still working as a Police Officer I would have said it was so I could help people and save lives.<br /><br />Anyways, I now suffer from a whole host of mental disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and a couple of other disorders that escape me at this time.  I&#039;m taking a handful of medication daily in the hopes of controlling my mental and physical pain.<br /><br />It&#039;s not working, I can&#039;t sleep and the urges to cut keep getting stronger.  I also envision me cutting my own throat with a knife. I can be sitting on the couch watching a TV show and out of no where I see it...I see the knife in my hand held to my throat.  I wonder, is this how I am supposed to die?  I always hoped it would be via lead poison ( aka a bullet).  No matter, I keep cutting and my wife sees the cuts and scars and naturally freaks out.  I&#039;m putting her through hell and that just adds to my anxiety and frustration that often boils over and results in even more cutting!  I wish I could post pictures so you can see my scars and know that this is for real.  I&#039;m living a nightmare and I&#039;m ashamed of myself for being so weak. Two years ago I was a decent role model for other Officers and the community I lived to protect and serve.  Now...now I am suicidal and spend most of my time at home, in pain and alone.  <br /><br />The urges are becoming too great and I&#039;m fast losing any control. My cuts are becoming deeper and deeper.  How can I cut out the ugly side of me when...<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/cutting_away_the_ugly_part_of_me..._c-3_u-87678_b-4008.html" class="postlink-local">[ Continued ]</a>';
		data[0]['blog_time'] = 'Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:33:57 -0500';
		

		data[1] = new Array();
		data[1]['title'] = 'My relationship with my therapist';
		data[1]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_relationship_with_my_therapist_c-3_u-435562_b-11460.html';
		data[1]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_relationship_with_my_therapist_c-3_u-435562_b-11460.html';
		data[1]['username'] = 'ChocoSara';
		data[1]['blog_id'] = '11460';
		data[1]['blog_message'] = 'Hi guys , <br />This is pretty awkward to me talking about anything related to therapy to anyone. I&#039;ve been seeing my therapist for a month now , we had 4 sessions and 3 walks so far. What i wanna talk about is how i can open up to him and not feel so stiff around him and end up regretting not saying all i want or any of it at all. He says we have a good relationship but it’s different for me. I feel really disconnected. I have so much to tell him but it always ends with me not saying what i REALLY wanna say , especially when we have a walk. There’s that thing i do when i feel &quot;bad&quot; , i pretend that i&#039;m telling him what i&#039;m feeling so i calm down. Maybe it’s the reason i have nothing left to say ? <br />The reason i&#039;m trying to find a way to be more open is that i feel forced by myself. I’m regretting everytime i see him and end up not saying what i feel at all , and i don’t wanna drop therapy. I really really need it. I had a really unpleasant event by the time of our 3rd session and it made me realize how lucky i am to have a therapist at all. I wanna start fresh and on good terms with him. I wanna trust him enough to be comfortable around him to make our process better and not feel pushed. And he’s just a nice person idk what’s wrong with me  <img src="https://www.psychforums.com/images/smilies/icon_neutral.gif" alt=":|" title="Neutral" /><br />I want to want to get better and not feel so forced by myself.';
		data[1]['blog_time'] = 'Thu, 28 Sep 2017 04:07:19 -0400';
		

		data[2] = new Array();
		data[2]['title'] = 'Is my Mom Sick?';
		data[2]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/is_my_mom_sick%CA%94_c-3_u-258910_b-6871.html';
		data[2]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/is_my_mom_sick%CA%94_c-3_u-258910_b-6871.html';
		data[2]['username'] = 'shortsnorts';
		data[2]['blog_id'] = '6871';
		data[2]['blog_message'] = 'I have been wondering this for a while now. Ever since I was little, my Mom tried to fit in with her boy friend&#039;s life style. The guy could have been a raging alchoholic, who was a complete ass(most of them were) and she would stay with him, no matter what. Last year, I told my mom that my step brother had been sexually abusing me for a little over two years. When I told her, she at first seemed shocked and had called him in the room with my step dad. They kicked him out of the house for two days; during those two days, my mom didn&#039;t talk to me, yet alone speak to me. She began making me feel guilty for getting in trouble, and even tried bribing with my graduation dress for my 8th grade ceremony. I eventually gave in, and they moved him back in. I was forced to live with him for six months, until I ran away to my dad&#039;s house. The thing that I have had trouble coping with is how she could have just turned away from me. It hurts so much. I would have maybe understood if she was a dad, since they don&#039;t really go through the pregnancy and the pain mothers feel. I have just have had the hardest time grasping how my mom could have just left me like that. She told I could tell her anything. Why would she have done that? I&#039;d like to assume she just has some mental illness that she had never told me about, but maybe she just didn&#039;t care what happened to me.';
		data[2]['blog_time'] = 'Thu, 08 May 2014 14:18:19 -0400';
		

		data[3] = new Array();
		data[3]['title'] = 'My friend scares me.';
		data[3]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_friend_scares_me._c-3_u-420947_b-11256.html';
		data[3]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_friend_scares_me._c-3_u-420947_b-11256.html';
		data[3]['username'] = 'Baloo197';
		data[3]['blog_id'] = '11256';
		data[3]['blog_message'] = 'My friend absolutely terrifies me. He has never done anything violent or harmful to me and is the most gentle and peaceful person I know (Though he is quite distant). He is also the most dangerous person I know. He usually has a calming air about him. It&#039;s calming to the point where he picked a bee off a flower and held it in his open palm for who knows how long before he sent it back on the flower without it stinging him. However, his air about him changes to absolute dread when he gets aggressive. This dread caused a dog to whimper and hide just by being near him. A moment to feel this dread is to ask him about his past.<br /><br />My friend has a rather dark past. He had drug addict, alcoholic, and sick parents for the first three years of his life who were constantly fighting. He also was being watched by his legally crazy grandparents who were also drug addict alcoholics. He saw his mother brutally die in front of him from a car accident he was in. His father legally died then came back into a coma. He was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused. He was raped. He was constantly being bullied at school and at home by his cousins. He hasn&#039;t seen his sister for ten years. He almost died countless times. He was also taken away from his father by the CPS. I was his first friend ever, and that was in the 5th grade (He was held back one year). I am still one of his only friends. The bullying never really stopped, it&#039;s just that everyone was to scared to.<br /><br />As I said before, he is the best person I have ever met. However, he becomes a monster when aggressive. During these moments, he is not angry in any way. He is actually very happy when he is aggressive. I have seen him do some monster like things when he is like that. Ranging from will his way through a sleep hold to overpowering four football players. A note to take is how he is a 5&#039; 5&quot; 135 lbs slender-athletic build guy who isn&#039;t very bulky despite his martial art training, but he is stronger than he looks and is very resilient. When he becomes aggressive, his entire being changes. His eyes become empty and have a death stare, his body language becomes feral and relaxed, He gets a joker like smile and tries to keep himself from giggling and almost growls, the air around him becomes full of dread, and his already efficient and dangerous fighting style becomes even more efficient and dangerous. When he is in a fight, killing an insect, or gutting a hunted animal he laughs harder and smiles harder. He clearly enjoys being hit or hurting things when he is in that state. He also doesn&#039;t feel any physical pain in that state. After he snaps back to normal, he bursts into a crying mess, and will often vanish when we all check to see if the guy he was fighting is okay.<br /><br />When he is normal, he has noble body language, a gentle look on his face, and love in his eyes. He will try to never harm anything and will resolve anything peacefully. He also genuinely cares about his few friends and gives amazing advise and can console anyone.<br /><br />My friend has gone to therapy, but the fact he couldn&#039;t remember what he did in the aggressive moment, the therapy didn&#039;t help him know what was wrong with him. He also went to anger management, but he apparently has an outstanding control over his anger. We both wonder what is wrong with him, and I am absolutely terrified of him even when he isn&#039;t in his aggressive state.';
		data[3]['blog_time'] = 'Fri, 14 Jul 2017 03:40:15 -0400';
		

		data[4] = new Array();
		data[4]['title'] = 'am i anattention seeker';
		data[4]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/am_i_anattention_seeker_c-3_u-269426_b-7684.html';
		data[4]['url'] = 'https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/am_i_anattention_seeker_c-3_u-269426_b-7684.html';
		data[4]['username'] = 'lonelyaddict187';
		data[4]['blog_id'] = '7684';
		data[4]['blog_message'] = 'when I was a child I used to force myself into peoples lives. I used beg for attention from everyone even random strangers. I couldn&#039;t tell when I was being rejected and hence constantly acted dramatically. the problem is that I cant tell whether im still like that and I don&#039;t know why I do it. its like I have no control over how I act or who i open up to. I open up to people ive just met and I end up feeling worse cos I think theyre laughing behind my back.';
		data[4]['blog_time'] = 'Mon, 17 Nov 2014 18:33:35 -0500';