document.write('<div style="border: 1px solid #C5D7EF;"><h2 style="margin: 0px; padding: 2px; color: #3366CC; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 1.1em; font-weight: normal; background-color: #E5ECF9; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/random_blogs_c-3.html">Psychology and Mental Health Forum Psychology Feed</a></h2>');
		
		document.write('<div style="font-size: 1.1em; margin-bottom: 5px;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if(document.getElementById(\'b_8568\').style.display == \'none\'){document.getElementById(\'b_8568\').style.display=\'block\';}else{document.getElementById(\'b_8568\').style.display=\'none\';}if(this.style.background.search(\'https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif\') != -1){this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}else{this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}" onmouseover="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';" onmouseout="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 0px\';" style="margin: 5px 3px 0 3px; float: left; background-image: url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif); background-position: 0px, 0px; width: 12px; height: 12px;" /><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/logging_my_journey_c-3_u-289698_b-8568.html">Logging My Journey</a></div><div id="b_8568" style="display: none; padding: 5px 5px 2px 15px; font-size: 0.9em; border-bottom: 1px dotted #DDDDDD;">I saw that people on this website are able to have a blog, and I took that opportunity. Though I may not have much experience with blogging--besides having a tumblr account--I love to write. Amd I&#039;d like to document everything that happens to me. <br /><br />My name is Maggie. I&#039;m an 18 year old caucasian (biological) female. I do prefer male pronouns, but not many people acknowledge that. <br /><br />Thus far, my significant other (Autumn) and I have met two alters. The most prominent alter&#039;s name is Reiner. To my embarrassment, he is a character from the anime &quot;Attack on Titan&quot;. Reiner Braun is a rather tall, muscular blonde boy. If you want more information on the character, check the anime&#039;s wiki. <br /><br />He is friendly most of the time, but he can be pretty aggressive or sad or angry or confused or frustrated... He&#039;s an alter. He&#039;s a person... Kind of. I like to think that he is his own person. <br /><br />Strangely enough, I&#039;ve spoken to him, before. A few nights ago, I switched to Reiner mode. Autumn told me that he was freaking out and panicking and speaking in German. (For the record, I only know how to say a few things in German.) Somehow, in the midst of his anxiety attack, my mind showed up. I felt as if he was sitting directly next to me... And I started speaking to him (in English). After a while of using Google Translate and trying to calm him down, he began speaking in English, again. Reiner was talking to Autumn and me about what was bothering him, why he was so afraid... This experience was one of the weirdest and scariest things I&#039;ve ever been through. <br /><br />(TRIGGER WARNING BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)<br /><br />I&#039;ve been raped, molested, and I found my mother dead. This felt equal to all of those things. Maybe it shouldn&#039;t have been up that high, but it definitely was. <br /><br />(TRIGGER WARNING IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)<br /><br />The past few days and nights, I&#039;ve been able to speak to him. The three of us--Reiner, Autumn, and myself--have a pretty good relationship. For some reason, though, last night, I completely forgot about everything. I forgot the progress we had made by somehow getting my two personalities to interact... Everything. After Autumn tried to remind me for half an hour, I remembered everything. And I&#039;m glad. <br /><br />My other alter, we found, is a 28 year old woman named Scarlette. She is, apparently, a kindergarten teacher. Autumn really hates her and claims that Scarlette is a b****. &quot;She&#039;s one of those women who believe themselves to be &#039;cool&#039; and &#039;one with the teens&#039;.&quot; I don&#039;t exactly blame Autumn for disliking Scarlette. We don&#039;t know much else about this alter, besides the fact that she likes pigs and the color teal. <br /><br />Thank you so much for reading... If you have anything to say or ask, please do so! <br /><br />If you wanted to email me, my email is tamakisrose@gmail.com . Thank you!<br /><br />I love you. You&#039;re important. <br /><br />♡</div>');
		
		document.write('<div style="font-size: 1.1em; margin-bottom: 5px;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if(document.getElementById(\'b_8867\').style.display == \'none\'){document.getElementById(\'b_8867\').style.display=\'block\';}else{document.getElementById(\'b_8867\').style.display=\'none\';}if(this.style.background.search(\'https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif\') != -1){this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}else{this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}" onmouseover="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';" onmouseout="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 0px\';" style="margin: 5px 3px 0 3px; float: left; background-image: url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif); background-position: 0px, 0px; width: 12px; height: 12px;" /><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/depersonalizationderealizationborderline_personality_c-3_u-298637_b-8867.html">Depersonalization/derealization/borderline personality</a></div><div id="b_8867" style="display: none; padding: 5px 5px 2px 15px; font-size: 0.9em; border-bottom: 1px dotted #DDDDDD;">Ive been struggling with depersonalization for a few months now. It began after  a year long 24/7 battle with extreme social anxiety and fear. My brain has shut down and i dont feel fear anymore or nervousness. Not even when talking to people. I feel very dettached and unhuman.  I dont feel real. I cant even recall the last moment of happiness i found. I feeel relaxed and peaceful but unable to relate to anyone and have a very profound lack of interest in socializiong.  Although i dont really feel emotion i can tell i am experiencing symptoms closer related to panic disorder - like  difficulty breathing , tightened blurry vision, tensed jaw, etc. the most disturbing apsect of this to me is that i sincierely believe i have no personality, quirks,  opinions, interests, or dislikes. Nothing moves me and i can not seem to make my mind up about anything simple or large because i really feel internally that i just dont have a preference for anythinng at all. I have no sense of self  to be honest. I often feel transparent and  itd hard to feel like you have a relationship with anyone when you cant process that they truly want to talk to you, or that they are actually addressing you . This is hard to explain but if anyone feels the same way it would be very helpful to hear.</div>');
		
		document.write('<div style="font-size: 1.1em; margin-bottom: 5px;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if(document.getElementById(\'b_7954\').style.display == \'none\'){document.getElementById(\'b_7954\').style.display=\'block\';}else{document.getElementById(\'b_7954\').style.display=\'none\';}if(this.style.background.search(\'https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif\') != -1){this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}else{this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}" onmouseover="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';" onmouseout="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 0px\';" style="margin: 5px 3px 0 3px; float: left; background-image: url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif); background-position: 0px, 0px; width: 12px; height: 12px;" /><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_first_entry_thank_you_whoever_reads_this_c-3_u-275674_b-7954.html">My first entry, thank you whoever reads this</a></div><div id="b_7954" style="display: none; padding: 5px 5px 2px 15px; font-size: 0.9em; border-bottom: 1px dotted #DDDDDD;">Hello dear reader, I&#039;ve recently discovered my disorders and wrote something a while ago in a blog. Sorry if it&#039;s too long but I can&#039;t really divide it into part, you may find it very boring but I want to thank you to whoever read the whole thing or even just looked at!<br /><br />Introduction, burning iceberg/frozen flame<br />I’m not very good at writing; in fact I suck pretty much at everything.<br /><br />I think of myself as a walking bag of issues. I’m a highly sensitive person, I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, I have little bit of OCD and ADD and I often think that I’m bipolar.<br /><br />I understand that everybody goes through some kind of stress in their lives and that other people might have bigger problems than me…honestly I don’t give a ###$, ###$ those people! ###$ people who judge ( I do that sometimes too but then I get punished at night by my over thinking habit), ###$ people who pretend to be nice, ###$ overconfident people, ###$ people who are shy, ###$ people that like politics, ###$ people that are into religion now that I think of it, ###$ everybody! Myself included!!<br /><br />I’m sorry I didn’t meant to offend anyone (maybe I did), so I have extreme mood swings(as you’ve already noticed), sometimes I wanna meet people but most of the times I hate people. It’s probably because of my social anxiety, every time I’m in public I feel like everybody’s staring at me, I always thought it was some teenage stuff and that it would eventually subside but it never truly did, in fact sometimes I feel like it’s gotten worse. Each pair of eyes feels like a burn and I start sweating and panicking and I keep telling myself “oh god why are people staring at me? Is it because I’m overweight? (at a time I was but even after I lost weight I felt the same way) is my hair messed up?” Sometimes I do feel ok when I’m in public, most of the time it’s when I’m drunk or in an extremely good mood, unfortunately both don’t last very long and don’t happen very often and sometimes are mutually exclusive.<br /><br />I feel like I’m the ugliest person in the world, the most weird too but at the same time I realize that I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special at all. Other times I label myself very special because I’m pathetic and I want that pity but there’s just no one in my world that would ######6 understand me so I only have myself, which is just not enough but sometimes can be overwhelming. My biggest fear and my biggest enemy are both- myself. I tend to over think stuff, stuff that other healthy normal people don’t even care about, don’t notice. I like to analyze my day right before going to sleep, every ######6 time. Every time before going to sleep my brain’s like “Oh you wanna rest? ###$ that! Let’s go through all the ###$ up $#%^ that happened today. The mean stuff people said to you or you said to them.  The stupid awkward situations you put yourself or others to, about how it’s gonna haunt you for a couple of years until you do something more ###$ up, which is gonna happen pretty soon by the way.<br /><br />I always feel lonely and sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend, actually every guy wants that…but then I remember what it’s like for me to be in a relationship with someone. It’s ######6 hell, both for me and for the unluckiest girl in the world who agreed to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I’m in a relationship (which is SUPER rare now) I tend to idealize (or even idolize) my partner and I cling very tightly to that person. Thinking she can understand me, support me and just always be there (which is literally ALWAYS) and of course eventually I get disappointed, always. Because I’m a selfish bastard, the very kind of people that I hate. It is part of the curse of having the borderline personality disorder, no one will ever be good enough for you and you’re never gonna be good enough for anyone as well. When people I’m really attached to stop messaging me or talking to me for whatever reasons (busy, not in the mood) I instantly take it the wrong wa...<br /> <br /> <a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/my_first_entry_thank_you_whoever_reads_this_c-3_u-275674_b-7954.html" class="postlink-local">[ Continued ]</a></div>');
		
		document.write('<div style="font-size: 1.1em; margin-bottom: 5px;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if(document.getElementById(\'b_4136\').style.display == \'none\'){document.getElementById(\'b_4136\').style.display=\'block\';}else{document.getElementById(\'b_4136\').style.display=\'none\';}if(this.style.background.search(\'https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif\') != -1){this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}else{this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}" onmouseover="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';" onmouseout="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 0px\';" style="margin: 5px 3px 0 3px; float: left; background-image: url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif); background-position: 0px, 0px; width: 12px; height: 12px;" /><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/i_think_i_love_someone_i_should%CA%B9nt...%CA%94_c-3_u-137603_b-4136.html">I think I love someone I should'nt...?</a></div><div id="b_4136" style="display: none; padding: 5px 5px 2px 15px; font-size: 0.9em; border-bottom: 1px dotted #DDDDDD;">I&#039;m a teen girl and a bit confused. I&#039;ve looked up on this and read stories similar to mine but not exactly the same. As long as I have remembered I would get crushed on boys and even had a boyfriend not long ago. I remember having friends that were girls and loved being around them, especially if they had a great personality but that&#039;s all..when I got with my boyfriend, it was great at first and I knew I liked him because I always got butterflies around him and he always made me smile without even saying anything. At the same time I was gaining a best friend and we we&#039;re getting really close really fast. She became like a sister to me and I loved her, like a sister nothing else. Later on I began to loose interest in my boyfriend and was getting stressed out because I didn&#039;t want to hurt him and break up with him so I stood with him for almost a year but towards the end we didn&#039;t really talk and I was stressing out. My friend was there through it all, when I was stressing out because me and my bf weren&#039;t talking later that day she was the one making me laugh, smile, and feel happy again. Because of it I got the feeling of wanting to protect her as much as possible and promising her I&#039;d always be there for her like she is for me. She knew I wa having boyfriend problems because I didn&#039;t like him anymore yet we we&#039;re still together, she encouraged me to break up with him saying I&#039;d be better off without him. At school we acted like really close friends but outside of school either at volleyball practice at home she acted a bit different. She acted more silly when it was just us and always laughed at anything I did, be it I mess up or just being clumsy. soon I began getting tongue-tied talking to her because she kept eye contact the whole conversation, something I couldn&#039;t do. So I would look away for a second while we were talking and when I&#039;d look back she still would be watching me, trying to hide a smile which started giving me butterflies. these little feelings have been getting stronger &amp; I don&#039;t know what&#039;s happening. We promised each other we&#039;d be there for each other always, she&#039;s so close to me and my family and me with hers. At school I don&#039;t have any classes with her this year and try to be with her as much as possible, I just really love her company, even if it&#039;s less than 5 minutes. If I see her this force makes me call her, it literally feels like a physical force, and when I call her I see her turn and when she sees me she always smiles. Seeing her smile always makes me happy and when I&#039;m not with her I can&#039;t wait to see her. I&#039;m starting to miss her very easily and sort of get jealous when she&#039;s with her other friends, one in particular. When she&#039;s with that one particular friend and Im there it&#039;s like I don&#039;t exist yet later when she&#039;s gone Im the one she stays close by to, even if there&#039;s other people we talk to with us. I&#039;ve told her &quot;I love you&quot; and she actually said &quot;I love you too&quot; but it was at night when we were going to sleep, I wasn&#039;t sure if she actually meant it or she was half-asleep when she said it. Another thing is that when we sleep together in the middle of the night she always ends up cuddled next to me, her arm around me like she&#039;s hugging me, honestly It&#039;s something I look forward to whenever she spends the night, even if she is asleep when she does it. If I don&#039;t she her for a while I swear I get depressed. These feelings have just been getting stronger since I broke up with my bf. I still get crushes on guys yet she always manages to get stuck on my mind, I don&#039;t know whats going on....I feel like im in love with someone I shouldn&#039;t be in love with. Help?  <img src="https://www.psychforums.com/images/smilies/icon_question.gif" alt=":?:" title="Question" /></div>');
		
		document.write('<div style="font-size: 1.1em; margin-bottom: 5px;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if(document.getElementById(\'b_12056\').style.display == \'none\'){document.getElementById(\'b_12056\').style.display=\'block\';}else{document.getElementById(\'b_12056\').style.display=\'none\';}if(this.style.background.search(\'https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif\') != -1){this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}else{this.style.background = \'url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/min_dark_blue.gif)\'; this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';}" onmouseover="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 12px\';" onmouseout="this.style.backgroundPosition = \'0px 0px\';" style="margin: 5px 3px 0 3px; float: left; background-image: url(https://www.psychforums.com/styles/prosilver/theme/images/blog/max_dark_blue.gif); background-position: 0px, 0px; width: 12px; height: 12px;" /><a href="https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Psychology/please_help_me_figure_out_what%CA%B9s_wrong_with_me_c-3_u-444138_b-12056.html">Please Help me figure out what's wrong with me</a></div><div id="b_12056" style="display: none; padding: 5px 5px 2px 15px; font-size: 0.9em;">First of all I would like to apologize because this is going to be really long so I would like to say I really appreciate you reading this till the end and trying to help. <br /><br />Since november I have been having flashbacks and thoughts of everything I have done wrong in my life, and now that I think about it those things are absolutely horrible. <br /><br />To start with typical things normal people would have heard of before, I&#039;ve done things like cheating on boyfriends, lying to parents, sneaking out etc... I lost my virginity at 15 years old with a 21 year old guy and also had sex with a 28 year old who lied to me about his age, which disgusts me when I thought about it.<br /><br />Now more weird things, as a kid, I would always lie. I would like about everything. I would lie about having cancer, about having relationships with celebrities ( I would even make fake accounts and catfish people) , about being anorexic, i even catfished a real person in real life to show people and pretend he was flirting with me. I lied about having a brother that died, about people I knew, places I went to etc... I don&#039;t know why, can anyone help me figure out why I would like so much?<br /><br />Now the darkest part is sexual. As a child I remember making my dog eat me out.  Of course at that time I didn&#039;t really know what i was doing but now i see it&#039;s bestiality and I can&#039;t get over what I did. Likewise, I&#039;ve been recalling sexual games I would play as a kid which really mess with my mind. I remember licking my cousins&#039; vagina because she said she wanted me to. I also remenber pretending to be asleep while my cousins and sisters licked my breasts because I liked the feeling of it. Is this sexual abuse? Also, I remember once i asked my sister to touch me down there and my dad walked in the room before she did and stopped us. I don&#039;t know what to do about this because everytime I see my sister all i think about is if i sexually abused her and why I would do something like that with her. <br /><br />So when recalling all those wrong things I have been really bad anxiety since and I&#039;m not too sure what&#039;s happening. Along with his comes thoughts I don&#039;t want to have that I just can&#039;t stop. I keep on thinking in my head that I have been raped and my body feels so unsafe even though I know it isnt true, the feeling is still there. I get thoughts about harming people and myself all of the time, I get thoughts about violence and sexual stuff, and i don&#039;t know why. I have read online that this might be OCD which could make sense as I recall having weird &#039;if i don&#039;t do this then this will happen&quot; things as a child. For example:<br /><br />&quot; If i don&#039;t run down the corridor in less than 10 seconds then my mum will die in the future&quot; <br /><br />a lot of games like that  in my head that I see now might have been the start of this. <br /><br />I just do not understand at all what is going on in my head right now and why these thoughts don&#039;t stop. I can&#039;t figure out if i have been raped or if it&#039;s my imagination playing with me because i have no memory and i have been to the extent of asking family members who said no and gave me support. I can&#039;t figure out why i started thinking about all my mistakes all of a sudden. Please help me figure out whats happening?</div>');
		
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