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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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You have to grab on to something; anything

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:22 pm

The 2 goals; A. "Today is my favorite day and I wanna feel good. " I have to work at this all day long; those affirmations lead to new thoughts showing up; Those new thoughts are of what I've called the universe to bring to me; Ive asked for the components of a day that would be my favorite day. What would that look and feel like; what would I be doing, trusting, allowing! And thus, by telling the universe " this is my favorite day", it must show up and bring the components of such a favorite day! The more I ask and keep at it, soon, the world bends in my favor and things start showing up in my mind and in reality that reflect what is in my mind!
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B. PTSD≥ . I wake up not knowing where Im at! I think Im in different surroundings; surroundings of the past! Its real for me! Im confused and scared and my nervous system is blocked up and thick and on red alert; its already ruptured; my nervous system; how much more can I take!
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I have a goal; Art work! Doing art work with CPTSD is a very difficult thing for me! Everytime I attempt to move my hand in front of me and connect with something else; I get massive sexual abuse flash backs and allot of PTSD problems! I dont feel safe connecting freely with something in the outside world! ITs to much for me; it brings up all the other times and places I tried to connect; I get hit with 10 other environments; one after the other, reliving them, being their again, Im in shock and cant function or move! I dont know where I am; I just want to die!
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So, If I can have PTSD and pull of doing art work to the point of having my own show! art show in a gallery, virtual gallery! This is not about selling art; its about getting my art to a pro level! Im aware of the changes in the art world right now! Traditional means of selling art has changed! Not that Im an exert on it; Im not! and when I get ready to sell art; Ill do work at that as well!
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Functioning in the world at an occupation I enjoy; an activity I enjoy; this would be nice! Its up to me to keep working toward my goal! The problem is; my nervous system will dissociatively blank me out! I dont control this!
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Feeling ashamed of my condition! I dont have control! When I attempt to move foward in the real world, I get scared off; to much PTSD! Im triggered in a thousand ways and a thousand times! So, its rough! just talking about it is starting to give me a breakdown, its bringing the past into my mind and body and nervous system, right now, as I write! it makes things very hard; Im overloaded psychologically, emotionally, nervous system. Identity has allot to do with this!
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I was abused out of having my own identity and it effects me right now! When I say Im going to do art work; this goes against the abusers from the past! It all comes back in my body! So, I have allot to work on here; to face! Its like facing a thousand bullies alone!
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The goal is art work! and when it causes pain to do art work, I want to switch to a new medium, maybe song writing and singing, or classical music composition! How about ghost stories; Ill write ghost stories! Or voice acting; yes! Ill try that! In the end, no matter what direction I go; Im hit with the PTSD of the past, and Im stuck again! its like a giant dark cloud comes in over me, like an electrical storm, and Im consumed by the horrors of the past; all at once from every angle; like being in a movie theater of the round; its 36 degrees in every direction! I cant escape! its like being eaten alive by PTSD!
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The realities; the reality is; I pick one think and work on it or I dont! because someone has top create the freedom here! someone has to walk out into it and stand up and fight back! The goal is to pick something, anything, make it a goal, write the goal out and complete the goal! the goal is; Im doing art work to a point that its at a professional level that can be sold; and Im hanging it in a gallery, either traditional art gallery or online gallery!
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I can feel the pain and fear creeping up in me now; The PTSD hits within micro seconds! ITs already their! Its got me in a place that when a child, I thought I was safe; then suddenly Im destroyed without warning and the world has been pulled out from under me and Im thrown away for good! And this always replays when ever I want to try something new! So; its a mind game! I have to keep at it; no matter what and make it a gaol!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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