Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1019)
Archives
- October 2019
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

You have to grab on to something; anything

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:22 pm

The 2 goals; A. "Today is my favorite day and I wanna feel good. " I have to work at this all day long; those affirmations lead to new thoughts showing up; Those new thoughts are of what I've called the universe to bring to me; Ive asked for the components of a day that would be my favorite day. What would that look and feel like; what would I be doing, trusting, allowing! And thus, by telling the universe " this is my favorite day", it must show up and bring the components of such a favorite day! The more I ask and keep at it, soon, the world bends in my favor and things start showing up in my mind and in reality that reflect what is in my mind!
.
B. PTSD≥ . I wake up not knowing where Im at! I think Im in different surroundings; surroundings of the past! Its real for me! Im confused and scared and my nervous system is blocked up and thick and on red alert; its already ruptured; my nervous system; how much more can I take!
.
I have a goal; Art work! Doing art work with CPTSD is a very difficult thing for me! Everytime I attempt to move my hand in front of me and connect with something else; I get massive sexual abuse flash backs and allot of PTSD problems! I dont feel safe connecting freely with something in the outside world! ITs to much for me; it brings up all the other times and places I tried to connect; I get hit with 10 other environments; one after the other, reliving them, being their again, Im in shock and cant function or move! I dont know where I am; I just want to die!
.
So, If I can have PTSD and pull of doing art work to the point of having my own show! art show in a gallery, virtual gallery! This is not about selling art; its about getting my art to a pro level! Im aware of the changes in the art world right now! Traditional means of selling art has changed! Not that Im an exert on it; Im not! and when I get ready to sell art; Ill do work at that as well!
.
Functioning in the world at an occupation I enjoy; an activity I enjoy; this would be nice! Its up to me to keep working toward my goal! The problem is; my nervous system will dissociatively blank me out! I dont control this!
.
Feeling ashamed of my condition! I dont have control! When I attempt to move foward in the real world, I get scared off; to much PTSD! Im triggered in a thousand ways and a thousand times! So, its rough! just talking about it is starting to give me a breakdown, its bringing the past into my mind and body and nervous system, right now, as I write! it makes things very hard; Im overloaded psychologically, emotionally, nervous system. Identity has allot to do with this!
.
I was abused out of having my own identity and it effects me right now! When I say Im going to do art work; this goes against the abusers from the past! It all comes back in my body! So, I have allot to work on here; to face! Its like facing a thousand bullies alone!
.
The goal is art work! and when it causes pain to do art work, I want to switch to a new medium, maybe song writing and singing, or classical music composition! How about ghost stories; Ill write ghost stories! Or voice acting; yes! Ill try that! In the end, no matter what direction I go; Im hit with the PTSD of the past, and Im stuck again! its like a giant dark cloud comes in over me, like an electrical storm, and Im consumed by the horrors of the past; all at once from every angle; like being in a movie theater of the round; its 36 degrees in every direction! I cant escape! its like being eaten alive by PTSD!
.
The realities; the reality is; I pick one think and work on it or I dont! because someone has top create the freedom here! someone has to walk out into it and stand up and fight back! The goal is to pick something, anything, make it a goal, write the goal out and complete the goal! the goal is; Im doing art work to a point that its at a professional level that can be sold; and Im hanging it in a gallery, either traditional art gallery or online gallery!
.
I can feel the pain and fear creeping up in me now; The PTSD hits within micro seconds! ITs already their! Its got me in a place that when a child, I thought I was safe; then suddenly Im destroyed without warning and the world has been pulled out from under me and Im thrown away for good! And this always replays when ever I want to try something new! So; its a mind game! I have to keep at it; no matter what and make it a gaol!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1171 times

Who is online

Registered users: ADarkerShade, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], Cholls, cootermcgoon, covertunsure, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, jj19, Latiamok, Latiataw, lilyfairy, Majestic-12 [Bot], MSN [Bot], Philonoe, Squaredonutwheels, TheCollective, Tyler