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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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You have to grab on to something; anything

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:22 pm

The 2 goals; A. "Today is my favorite day and I wanna feel good. " I have to work at this all day long; those affirmations lead to new thoughts showing up; Those new thoughts are of what I've called the universe to bring to me; Ive asked for the components of a day that would be my favorite day. What would that look and feel like; what would I be doing, trusting, allowing! And thus, by telling the universe " this is my favorite day", it must show up and bring the components of such a favorite day! The more I ask and keep at it, soon, the world bends in my favor and things start showing up in my mind and in reality that reflect what is in my mind!
B. PTSD≥ . I wake up not knowing where Im at! I think Im in different surroundings; surroundings of the past! Its real for me! Im confused and scared and my nervous system is blocked up and thick and on red alert; its already ruptured; my nervous system; how much more can I take!
I have a goal; Art work! Doing art work with CPTSD is a very difficult thing for me! Everytime I attempt to move my hand in front of me and connect with something else; I get massive sexual abuse flash backs and allot of PTSD problems! I dont feel safe connecting freely with something in the outside world! ITs to much for me; it brings up all the other times and places I tried to connect; I get hit with 10 other environments; one after the other, reliving them, being their again, Im in shock and cant function or move! I dont know where I am; I just want to die!
So, If I can have PTSD and pull of doing art work to the point of having my own show! art show in a gallery, virtual gallery! This is not about selling art; its about getting my art to a pro level! Im aware of the changes in the art world right now! Traditional means of selling art has changed! Not that Im an exert on it; Im not! and when I get ready to sell art; Ill do work at that as well!
Functioning in the world at an occupation I enjoy; an activity I enjoy; this would be nice! Its up to me to keep working toward my goal! The problem is; my nervous system will dissociatively blank me out! I dont control this!
Feeling ashamed of my condition! I dont have control! When I attempt to move foward in the real world, I get scared off; to much PTSD! Im triggered in a thousand ways and a thousand times! So, its rough! just talking about it is starting to give me a breakdown, its bringing the past into my mind and body and nervous system, right now, as I write! it makes things very hard; Im overloaded psychologically, emotionally, nervous system. Identity has allot to do with this!
I was abused out of having my own identity and it effects me right now! When I say Im going to do art work; this goes against the abusers from the past! It all comes back in my body! So, I have allot to work on here; to face! Its like facing a thousand bullies alone!
The goal is art work! and when it causes pain to do art work, I want to switch to a new medium, maybe song writing and singing, or classical music composition! How about ghost stories; Ill write ghost stories! Or voice acting; yes! Ill try that! In the end, no matter what direction I go; Im hit with the PTSD of the past, and Im stuck again! its like a giant dark cloud comes in over me, like an electrical storm, and Im consumed by the horrors of the past; all at once from every angle; like being in a movie theater of the round; its 36 degrees in every direction! I cant escape! its like being eaten alive by PTSD!
The realities; the reality is; I pick one think and work on it or I dont! because someone has top create the freedom here! someone has to walk out into it and stand up and fight back! The goal is to pick something, anything, make it a goal, write the goal out and complete the goal! the goal is; Im doing art work to a point that its at a professional level that can be sold; and Im hanging it in a gallery, either traditional art gallery or online gallery!
I can feel the pain and fear creeping up in me now; The PTSD hits within micro seconds! ITs already their! Its got me in a place that when a child, I thought I was safe; then suddenly Im destroyed without warning and the world has been pulled out from under me and Im thrown away for good! And this always replays when ever I want to try something new! So; its a mind game! I have to keep at it; no matter what and make it a gaol!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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