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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Writing new stories and meeting new people

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:25 pm

Im now writing new stories about my past and my future; hard?; O Ya. why?; because theirs no closer to the child age situation that occurred; I was used and let on when very young with no closer; children get high expectations about their lives; I had all that railroaded over me; all it; into nothing; just thrown away; when I start writing stories over it; it hurts at such depth levels; I cant describe it.
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Im trying to heal from a past full of horrible stories about myself that happened to me over n over n over; and now Im trying to create new stories of how I want to live my life; but I have these horrible old stories that have power; I mean; their looming larger then life and its killing me; So; I have to learn how to face them? and deflate them. And put new stories in; I get hit with the most hideous flashbacks; Dam it sucks.; I get it with thoughts of self desolation and I see it; its the critic voice ripping me to pieces; blaming me...
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Ive attracted soccer moms..
ITs no good; not worth it... Their well to do or middle class women; good looking; Cheer leaders in high school or college; married their college or high school sweet heart or lost him and married a second time to some alpha male that drank all the time but had prominence in the community; and now lost him; divorce; and now she's maybe she's seen me before; and liked what she saw while she was married. And now divorced; So; she's hot; good looking; nice body; I want to sleep with her. I know she wants me. But; something happens. S__T-tests; 2 million of them and Im ranks 9th on her list of importance; meaning, she going to make it clear that her pretentious attitude; that she got away with because of the money of her last marriages; money coming from her last marriages families; she is loosing all that. She is now in the poor house in a sense. The guy; her x; as all the good lawyers and money to pay for them; And she's enraptured in all the money she doesn't have to pay for the lawyers to keep up with his. And she might loose her house and she might loose her land or what ever else she's got; or the boat or what ever it is she has. And then her kids are brought up; and her family is brought up and how her relatives don't respect her anymore because she's no longer part of their family; they dropped her like good little rich people do... Now; she keeps up with appearances to all with her soccer mom children; many are adult children at this point...
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Soccer Mom;
So; when I show up; I have to work through 1500 tests she throws at me; just to get her down to working level so she will admit she's interested in me; I have to wrestle through all the complications just to get the little girl to bust through the victorian style martyrism she is implying every time she brings up layers and layers of pretension qualities that are under fire.
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Ive been through several of these soccer moms; meaning; Ive taken an interest and asked several out. The problem is; they screw the whole thing up. they wont stay in their own lane; at some point they want to act like big shots then do something that destroys the courtship process. And then I simply walk away; and I cant believe I waisted my time on it.
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Talking with God; God said me; " Omnicell"; If you want a nice girl then you have to become a nice guy; or I will continue to send you these good looking soccer mans you want to sleep with but are getting nowhere with"; and its true; Im getting nowhere with them simply because of their behavior. I stop immediately taking any interest. Once I here; one more time about their children or their house or divorce or x husband or his relatives; and on it rolls. I get this picture that all Im doing is batting through a grave yard of stuff simply to get at the person; and its 2 much work; not worth it. And its not. The problem is; the girl wants to sleep with me. but her pretentious act goes on n on n on to the point; I drop my hands in frustration and leave.
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God told; " if you want a nice girl Omnicell; you have to become a nice man"; and that is part of the reason Im still in recovery; I want my free spirited expressive personality back. The person that is here now; I want this person aligned again doing what Im suppose to be doing; not playing the victim or martyr or revenger. Revenge is a waist of time and I want out of it; Im addicted to it; I want free of this. I want free of who ever it is that Im focusing on that I want revenge at a deep level; I just want out.
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I spend allot of my time on recovery for the sake of preparing myself to meet women outside the recovery process; thats the biggest reason right now; social; I know that my personality must be cleared of this hardness and I have to start learning how to go after what I want in life and feel good inside. and learn to be myself.. And meet people in that prospect.
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When it comes to women; I have to get inline to asking women out and dealing with the consequences; many of them will say no. So; I might as well get started with it.
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I would like to meet the right people to go with it. I will have to start writing stories about having the right people with me.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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