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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
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My goal is to work through adolescence.
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Wounded is wounded

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:47 am

The wounds don't go away! neither do the stupid people I must deal with on a daily basis. Things are better when I get away from them, However, I feel scared and intimidated by them! And Im all alone. Ive always been " all alone"
I would like to walk by people without budging! Without giving in. Im to weak. At times I want God to take me away, let me die so I can go to heaven, get away from this place. I am defeated all day long, No one is on my side. Im alone all the time! and I cant seem to see the real picture.

I start making demands of the people around me! they laugh at me! they are not trained nor care nor have the conscious for such things... I am not taken seriously and thrown out!

Its impossible to be around the stupid white middle class! Because they know no more then what they know! Im spit on in this arena...
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I continually look for answers to my PTSD problems, yet, I am mortally wounded, the wounds do not go away no matter what I do or try! The symptoms have gone down, the wounds have not!

Im not sure where to go! Im treated like Im no one!

I would like to get to the point that I can trust God and wake up enough to get away from the trouble makers.

Im around dumb people, and I forget this at times! I wish God would take me out of here or show me why Im here! what this is all about!

Why am I to stay alive, for what! I have to talk to God. Ive exposed myself, my problems that I get better, However, in the long run Ive exposed myself to the wrong people, people who take advantage of others by looking for power over them. Ive exposed myself to people that bully me or see me from a white shallow middle class point of view! So they see me as a bad person! I hate these people and what they stand for, they are no better then nazis. Most of these people are spoiled types who know nothing and have no real problems.. My problem has been the needing of them! They are game player voids. They drag people along or into there game for the fun of it, and leave them! They are not to be trusted..

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Im not a traditional soldier from the vA. I do not have other soldiers to run with or talk to! So, I don't fit in with them! and its made clear that I don't. They are great people, the vets, some of the best people Ive ever met ( the combat soldiers) The problem is; Im not one of them! Im this strange loner person out on the far edges of society that, although I had a chance when I was young, it was destroyed and taken from me! I was destroyed and sent into poverty! I never had away out!

Ive needed relief so, Ive told everyone about my problems, Ive got the secrets out, However, Now, I have lots of enemies that have fuel to use against me! to put me down when they see me!

Part of me wants to run away! run! the other part wants to kill or go to war!

I would walk away from the scum Ive surrounded myself with or around, but I end up alone, and people have made it clear they want nothing to do with me regardless.

I would like so much to leave and never come back, but where do I go! Who do I talk to, Im like a ghost.

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The people that originally wanted to help me thought I was one of them because I looked like one of them! Now they know Im from poverty and regret getting involved. They look at me like Im a seedy weirdo.

Strangely I have no one on my-side, Im alone and its been this way all my life.

Even at 50 I attract exceptionally beautiful women half my age! Ive never been able to get close to them! The last couple of years it was possible, but I ran away! most women who tried to get close to me shun me at this point as a weirdo because of my aloof behavior!
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Ive tried to get help at church! Its all white middle class, there is no help for the poor! its all the biggest lie!

My biggest problem is: where do I go! If I let go of one set of people places and things, what replaces it! I have to talk to God about the answer to these things! Im treated with such disrespect I want to leave and find a place of respect; I cant find it! Im afraid my PTSD problems are looking for relief by looking for the kinds of people that originally hurt me! this has been a problem.

At times I want to die! leave and never come back! However, I know this is the PTSD talking! and it talks to me!

I never really understood that I was not accepted, Now Im starting to know! Im alone. I have God! I have to remember, I have God!

I am not strong enough to defend myself against others when they verbally attack! There attack is to penetrate my boundaries. It works. I want them away from me!

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Im in the middle of things! I pray that I can get stronger to move into a newer direction!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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